Urgent Prayers

Well, per my usual I have completely forgotten to update about anything in my life. I guess that's what happens when you have a lot going on!  But at this moment, if you are reading this, my family desperately needs your prayers.

My best friend's/pseudo sister/asexual soul mate's father, Scott, has been diagnosed with Stage IIIc melanoma. He is more than just her dad to me - he is in a sense, a father to me as well. I was blessed with a wonderful father of my own - and also this family, this man, who have taken me in as their own. When I think of him - I think of strength, logic, zest for life, a love of family and all things southern.

This is the man who stopped at nothing to track us down when we were up to no good. When we thought we couldn't be found out - we were wrong. He dragged our butts out of several bad situations as teenagers. He encouraged us when we needed it. At times, he kicked us straight in our posterior. He took me to football games and taught me what real man's sarcasm was and how to take it. He held my hand and reassured me everything would be OK when I was in the ER, scared to death, and strapped to a stretcher. He was never short on kind words and praise for me, and was always there when we needed him - even if we didn't think so. He loves my babies like his very own grandchildren - and they love him...and so do I.

And now, he is fighting for his life. And we are all - SO. SCARED. When we asked what the prognosis was, we were told he will have to fight hard and it will be treated aggressively. This particular type of cancer is very resistant to typical treatment and the best recommendation is clinical trials. It is very likely once treated it will come back and the 5 year survival rate is 24-29%. Drop that by 10% for the 10 year survival rate. He is 43 years old with a 24, 20, 17, and 10 year old children. He has his first grandchild on the way and a wife and family who adore him. He has to live.

He is determined and strong - and if nothing else he has his otherwise healthy and active lifestyle to help him fight this battle. If anyone can beat this, he can. We are just at the beginning stages of this journey - but every prayer counts. If you are reading this, please pray with us, for this wonderful man's strength, health, determination, and peace....it will be a long road ahead but I am as sure as I am in God above, that this is a battle than can be won by Scott Petty.

The Lights in my Life

Lately, I have been feeling a little less than great. The world, life, and love have all been laying heavily on my shoulders. So, I haven't written in awhile. Today that changes.

Many wonderful things have happened that I've missed the chance to share and linger over. I don't want to let a couple discouragements move me from the amazing work God is doing in my life. I am so blessed, at times it brings me to my knees in awe and gratitude.

First, I am developing wonderful friendships with people who understand me and everything I want to be. I don't have to feel like I need to hide or under-exaggerate the new love of my life, Jesus Christ. They just get it. They just get ME. I have true friends I imagine will grow to be life long friends, and the most amazing mentors and supporters. For the first time in a long time, I have a guiding and encouraging force in my life from people who can move me in the RIGHT direction. What a blessing God's love is when working through God's people. As a unit, we are unstoppable, I truly believe it.

Secondly, my girl accepted Christ into her life yesterday at the age of 6! It brings me so pride and indescribable joy to my heart to know she will have God with her always. She told me she prayed to Jesus to wash her heart clean - how precious. I love her so much and pray for continued growth and understanding of our God and his word. I want her to live an amazing Godly life and be a driving force of our Lord's love in her generation. God has given me this sweet, innocent life to raise up in Him - I am loving the chance at making that happen. We've been working on prayer at home, it makes her a little uncomfortable and she doesn't know what to say, but she has the Holy Spirit on her side now. I will just keep praying over her and I know one day soon she'll have the confidence to do it on her own or chime in on mine.

I just love what God is doing in my family's life. Both Marilyn and Skylar have accepted Jesus and we go in for a Baptism class on Wednesday evening. If all goes well and they feel they are ready they will be baptized on Sunday! How amazing :) Praise God!

Lifting up others

Blake Goss preached a powerful message 2 Sundays ago about the power of partnership and prayer. We are meant to be part of God's vision and be his hands and mouth - that requires boldness! We are also meant to send all our worries, praises, thanks, requests, and struggles to our Lord. It pleases him to hear from us no matter what the context is.

What I have found more than anything, is that it pleases ME to pray for others. I feel like I ask for too much if I pray for myself, because I really don't deserve anything. If God was 'fair' we would all be in Hell - anything short of hell is GRACE! So when I am praying for something outside of myself and my desires it makes me feel better to pray for others.

When I look at my friends and family, or strangers for that matter - and think to myself, "It is out of my hands, I have done all I can do.." I am reminded that it was never in my hands to begin with. Some people are fond of saying, "All I can do is pray," however...I don't believe that. Prayer is the absolute GREATEST thing we can do for ourselves and others.

 God already knows our hearts before we come to him, but unless we trust him with what is buried deep within ourselves and show that we have faith in him - nothing is going to happen. It is comforting to know that YES - my loved ones lives are not in my hands....I can encourage, empower, and lecture until I turn blue in the face. But, by faith and prayer alone I can have a hand in helping them.

Don't be afraid to lift EVERYTHING up to the Lord. The trivial, the seemingly stupid, or the impossible. I think the greatest form of faith is handing over something that seems impossible to God - because ALL is possible through him. When you have faith in that - God will bless you.

Dream Big. The HOW doesn't matter - God will give that to you when you trust him with the WHAT. So keep praying for those you love who seem lost. Keep praying for those suffering from addictions, afflictions, insecurity, or down right malicious intent. Nothing is too big, no one is too far gone, and we are not so insignificant that God is not listening. He is omnipresent - he is always there, always listening, always caring, and always working. Let him work for you - and don't be afraid to work for Him!

All I needed

If you couldn't tell from yesterday's post...it was not a good day for me! I try to look on the bright side of life everyday, but I could not get my focus off of what was going on. When someone you think was your friend comes up with all these cruel criticisms and presumptions about you, and then responds in an even more hostile manner when you try to work it out, it's hard to accept. I couldn't understand, I couldn't wrap my mind around it - I still can't. It is a hard pill to swallow. I obsessed about it all day, I didn't get anything accomplished, I wallowed in self pity and ranted all. day. long. I woke up this morning and it was still heavy in my heart. I have never felt so misunderstood and judged, and even worse than that I don't like to spend any amount of time in those negative feelings and actions....it is just not me.

Today, my best friend wrote me this, and it was all I needed to let go and move on:

"I have known you your ENTIRE life and I know what type of person you are. You are the most FAIR, understanding, helpful, trustworthy, fun, responsible person I have ever known. DO NOT allow one person - who has only known you a short time in your life to affect you with their small minded opinions."

It went on, but that was the important part. It was easy for me to feel that the attack was undeserved, and that she was in the wrong. It is hard for me to accept someone won't meet me halfway to work it out, when it took all I had not to react harshly. I let it drag me down and affect me deep into my core. It is even easier to forget who you are and WHY it is important not to listen to people who unleash negativity like this.

I know who I am...and I know who I am not. The people who matter, those who KNOW me and what I am about - would never say anything like what was said. And they certainly wouldn't go on the defense about it if we didn't see eye to eye. All I needed was a little encouragement to remind me of what my character really is, and that those that love me would never question that. Thank God for true friends who know me and love me, and never let me lose myself over insignificant naysayers.

Learning Process

I think it is unfortunate that people think they have any place to look into my life and judge me for it. No matter what you 'see', you will never know the depths at which I live in. I have heard that people only show 10% of who they really are, I don't know how much truth there is to that because I have also heard that there is a statistic to prove anything. Nonetheless, I am certain it is true that people only show a portion of themselves. If you are not taking the time to probe me for the truth, and get behind my actions, motivations, and drive - who are you to speak on what I hold in my heart?

The path I have chosen to go down is not an easy one for anyone involved....including me. I can't just snap my fingers or open a Bible and make it all go away. I never claimed to be perfect - I never have, I never will. But if you aren't conversing with me about that which you choose to throw your opinions around about, then you'd never know. I have always been someone who puts on a smile and acts as if everything is all right. Only the people I am close and comfortable with will know when something is going on - unless you ask me. I am an honest person with true feelings, and they can be hurt even when it looks like they aren't.

This hurts....everyday. It is just as hard for me as it is for Joey. It took me a little bit longer to figure that out, but should I not have support when I am hurting too? We are taking the steps we are comfortable with that work best for us. We're not living together anymore, but I will always be his friend. That is NOT leading him on, I couldn't be any more honest with him, he knows exactly what I'm striving for and why I'm doing this. We are both at peace with it now and are just working together to get our family through this. At the end of the day we still have to be friendly to raise our kids and keep our family together.

Our kids are doing GREAT, they love having two houses and more one on one time with their parents. I really don't feel like they would have adjusted so well if we hadn't taken the steps necessary to keep it copacetic. Why does everyone seem to think that if we are not at war with one another than I am 'using him'. I'm not getting ANYTHING from him, I don't understand where this comes from.

 I am not a mean spirited person and I don't find it necessary to be heartless in order to go through a break up. I loved him once, in some sense I still do, and I am not going to destroy all of us to get my point across. He gets it! Really people, he gets it. This is all new to me - every bit of it. I am a new Christian, I am learning as I go! I wish that I could say I have done EVERYTHING right, but I haven't. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and try to go the way I feel called to go. Do I mess up? Absolutely. And so does everyone else.

 Isn't being peaceful, gentle, and patient what Christians are supposed to be? But I am 'leading him on' and 'using him' and 'having my cake and eating it too' when I try to embody these qualities. It is hurtful, because I am only trying to balance what is best for my relationship with God, my family's needs, and Joey's heart. It is not the easiest thing I have ever juggled. I'm doing my best. I fumble, and I get back up and try again. But I will never compromise myself or my values to appease everyone else.

My relationship with Joey and with God is MY relationship. Unless you are there every step of the way you really don't know what is going into this. I just wish people would come to me with their 'opinions' before they try to blast me or make assumptions. I am more than willing to talk about it. So for all my 'friends' who might be reading this - please, come to me if you have concerns. I am learning as I go and I am open to any suggestions people have to dealing with this situation as long as they are constructive and you take the time to know my heart first. I know what's going on in my life and the steps I need to take to get there, if you care about me then talk to me, if not...keep it to yourself.

Revelations

I don't know about everyone else, but I am just in awe of the way God can reveal things to you. I have been sitting here for the past week struggling with the idea of being alone, and not coming to realize it is exactly what I have needed. It is something I have prayed for, but not fully understanding the opportunity knocking at my door.

I was hit with the realization, that YES this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever put upon myself. YES I wanted changed and I really did  realize that it would be hard. I did not however realize the power of change, or even more so, the power of my God who enables this change to happen in my life.

Without even trying, the realization of what God is doing in my life washed over me. I think God reveals things in pieces, because only so much can be handled, or in my case, comprehended. I couldn't have realized that not only would being alone be the RIGHT thing for me, but that it was much more than that. It is exactly what I needed at this time in my life.

I have always had the support of other people; my parents, joey, my best friend, ect. Now, it is really up to me to see what I am made of. I know I cannot be the only mother in the world who doubts myself. We are all constantly struggling with making the right choices for our children. Are we saying or doing the wrong things? Am I interacting with them enough? Am I allowing them to be to reliant? Am I giving them all I have? Reading books and magazines, talking 'game' with other moms, comparing ourselves and our kids to everyone else. I am so guilty! After all, children are a product of their parents. Who do I want my kids to be?

So I am presented with an opportunity to not just be obedient to what God wants to do in my life, but to come to know myself. For the first time I can really be me, and implement exactly what I want in my children's lives - just the way I see fit. I am so self sufficient and independent, I hate asking for help with anything. I think this experience will really teach me to trust God, and to lean on Him when I have no one else to lean on. And through that, I can trust myself.

So, this is me...yielding to the spirit. I'm just along for the ride...

It's not even 1

but you can go ahead and stick a fork in me....I am DONE!

(DISCLAIMER: Major ventage post!)

I went to bed early last night so I could get some assignments and cleaning accomplished early this morning. Then the school's website was down. Fail! I did a little laundry and kitchen cleaning, and relaxed until my Joseph Jay woke up. 

..and then..I found the saboteur! 

A little notice in the mail from my school notifying me I owe almost $2,000 in tuition and fees(some of which were wrongfully charged). It also states if this balance is not paid in full, not only can I not continue at South University, but I will also not be able to get my transcripts. Not cool.

It is starting to become clear why my account has been reflecting no sort of financial aid. I am NOT sure if this is why my financial aid adviser has not been returning any phone calls and emails from the past 2 weeks, but it is suspicious. I already KNEW there was a problem b/c what was previously showing as my pending financial aid disappeared from my account right before it was supposed to be applied. I have been trying to get in touch with my supposed adviser for 2 weeks now with no luck. Then, this happened. 

At this point, I emailed my student adviser, my OLD financial aid adviser who advised me this would NOT occur and that all was on track, and my 'new' financial aid adviser who has yet to prove her existence. Am I surprised I have not received an email or a phone call? ...I am sure you would not be surprised to hear me say NO! I WILL go over their heads as soon as the website is back up and I can find the information and contacts I need.

 If they don't fix this problem, I will also leave this school. I don't care if it costs me the full $2000 to leave, if I have to pay it I am certainly not paying them one more penny after the fact for royally screwing me. At least I have learned to get ALL things in writing. I am almost convinced to not even speak to anyone over the phone at this point b/c I want everything documented.

In order to get my mind off of this situation that is basically out of my hands until someone decides to respond to me, I took up the cleaning again. Got a little vacuuming done, and decided to move the furniture. I've been wanting to change it up for awhile, and now that I have no one here to disagree with the placement of furniture it was TIME!

I like the set up, but I discovered there was much more vacuuming to be done - and then....

*dun dun dun*

...the vacuum broke. Epic fail.

To make matters worse...then my son proceeded to spill an entirely full bottle of lotion all over the dirty carpet I can't clean. 

This has brought us to the present...and this is why I am DONE! I have declared it time to refocus and regroup. I am diving head on into a book for Momentum b/c it is incredibly uplifting and I am not wasting another minute of this day wallowing in negativity. So, I am done, but I am moving on as well!

Here's to better days..

The Waci Wars

I am trying gear Joey up for the big "waci" removal. I've been taking it away when we are at home, and he only gets it during naps, night time, and outings. He has gotten pretty good about trading his paci out each morning for a sippy cup without a fight.

I have been trying to be more consistent about this, and once I do take it away I NEVER give it back unless we are about to face the 3 exceptions above. The problem is remembering to do it as soon as he gets up in the morning. If I delay even twenty minutes, it makes for a war of wills ALL DAY LONG.

Today he decided to sleep in so I took my advantage of my rare time slot of silence and was getting some cleaning done. When he woke up I was right in the middle of my cleaning spree, so I brought him out and let him keep his paci until I could get him some breakfast ready. BIG MISTAKE! After breakfast came bath time and at this time I took away his paci. He got very mad for a minute, but I calmed him down with a little talk. This is how it went;

Mommy: "Joey, you don't need that waci because you're a big boy now! Waci's are for little babies and you are growing up."
Joey: "Yeah...babies!"
Mommy: "Soon we are going to give all your waci's to another baby for them to use."
Joey: "Okay mama, babies!"
Mommy: "So are you a big boy or a baby?"
Joey: "I  BABY! WAAAAAACCCCIIIII!!!!!!!!"

More indecipherable wailing ensued, which went to prove his point that he is very much a baby...at least in his eyes!(Okay and mine but we are both tryingto grow, right? RIGHT?!) Boy, did he have me fooled!

..and the waci fights to see another day.

Today Marks a New Beginning

This has been a long time coming, and up until this point I have been at excited for what may come from the changes I am making in my life. Today, I am just petrified. I woke up fearful with a heavy heart and nothing seems to make it subside.

Today is the day that Joey moves out and I start a new direction in life being a single mom. We broke up about 2 months ago, but he has been here trying to find a place to stay and getting prepared to move. At times it has been awkward and emotional , and at others it has been comforting to have him around. As much as we butt heads he is my immediate source of support. We may have faced our issues but he is someone who I will always care for.

 I am certain we will both be better off after everything is said and done because my Father in heaven has promised to provide for me when I am in obedience to his word. That has driven me through this emotional roller coaster because I KNOW there is a happy ending. That doesn't stop be from being scared out of my mind to turn the page into this new chapter of my life.

Today marks a new beginning - one that I know I am capable of doing. I am familiar with this, and I am also familiar with how difficult it can be at times. However, my life at 20 was completely different than it is now. At 20 I had only one child, the help of both of my parents, and a career on which to support myself.

At age 24, I have my own 2 children and a little girl who I am very much still involved with - so 3! No job and no immediate plans to have one because I am trying to concentrate on family and school. Thank goodness for my dad stepping in and giving me some financial support until I am done with school. The part that scares me the most is living on my own - I have NEVER lived without my mom or dad, or Joey. But this time I am on my own....

ON MY OWN! I have never had so much on my plate and I am thankful and blessed to have received the opportunities I have. I am confident I can handle whatever is coming my way - it is just frightening because I don't know what that may be! I am sure that I will be stretched thin, challenged, and moved beyond my wildest dreams - which is ultimately what I want.

I have been praying for God to open my heart and mind to a life I never dreamed possible for myself. I am sure this is my opportunity to see what I am made of, and find some things out about myself I never knew were within me. When I look at it from that perspective it takes the concern I've had out of the equation and gives me a sense of peace and excitement.

PS...I feel much better now. Sometimes all I need is prayer and an outlet for what I have been internalizing. Journaling/blogging rocks my world.

Sweeping Underneath the Rug

If you know me at all, you know I am a pretty laid back go with the flow type of person. I embrace change(really!) and try to take things with a grain of salt. I don't like to sweat the small stuff - it's no way to live and only encourages negativity. I am not a person who can handle an abundance of negative thoughts and feelings because they will drag me

D

O

W

N.

Therefore, I do not let things that don't matter in the long run get to me. I prefer to concentrate on the bright side of life - I've lived in the dark side, I don't need reminders of what lurks in those murky corners of my mind. I try to always look for a positive in any situation and firmly believe one can always be found. If there remains no positive side - it's right around the corner. Life is what you make it..and I make mine worthwhile. 

Unfortunately, the tendency to look for the good and ignore the bad, at times means I look over things that do matter and need to be dealt with. I try to brush off things that do bother me down to my core, and tell myself it is not worthwhile to dwell on it. Most of the time it isn't, but there are times when sweeping things under the rug is not beneficial to anyone involved because nothing is being resolved.

Another little tidbit about myself; I can't stand confrontation! I would rather just keep issues to myself and deal with it internally than to come to a point of confrontation with someone. It is uncomfortable, undesirable, but sometimes needed. This week I confronted a situation that has hardened my heart to someone I love for years, perhaps my entire life. 

I realized life is too precious and too short to just let those who matter to you trespass against you and never say anything. It is a great possibility they never realized the effect of their actions, and if you don't at least try to save that relationship - you never know. I couldn't live with that regret when their was a possibility of fixing something that had been broken. 

So, I spoke my heart. I was completely honest and direct even though it was terrifying. And guess what? The person on the other end was more than receptive to what I had to say. I have no doubt in my mind things will improve exponentially and I will have another shot at building a strong relationship with a loved one.

I am committing myself to facing my problems and not pretending like they aren't there. I pray that I can continue to assert myself in a positive way when it is needed for the improvement of my life or someone else's. Fear of consequence when change is needed does nothing but squander relationships. Sometimes all it takes is a sincere heart. Resolve your issues with one another - it is the only way to love whole heartedly.

Saying our goodbye's to summer

Because it's the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! The girls weren't too keen on the thought until Sneak - a - Peek, and then they both got EXCITED!

We got prepared by cleaning out closets and drawers, and of course I cannot forget back to school shopping which is my favorite part! Probably their's too, because who likes cleaning to get ready for school? At least I reward for good works!

After an entire summer with close to no schedule - I pulled it off in a day! I got them up early, wore them out and they were fed, bathed, and in the bed by 8:30. That is immensely better than last year and they both woke up like little jack in the boxes and started their day. We will DEFINITELY be keeping bed time this year!

I took them to school and practically had to CHASE Skylar to her classroom because she was so excited. It kind of makes me sad to have them gone but I am really happy she took going back to school so well. Nothing hurts a mama's heart more than her baby crying because they want you!

All in all, I think things will be just fine! I have a little empty nest syndrome as of now, but I know me and baby man will get used to it and might even have some fun along the way! We are hoping for a happy, successful, busy year full of learning and friendships!

Meaningful to ME.

Tattoos.
Yep, I have 'em.
..and no...
I do not care if you like them or approve of them.

I will admit that my first tattoo was a mistake - it meant nothing to me I just wanted it to say I had one. It turned out awful and it is a constant reminder never to get a tattoo that doesn't mean anything to you.

Since then - I haven't.

I have started a piece on my leg of one of my favorite artists Amy Brown. My mom and I have always loved her - she got me something Amy Brown EVERY year for Christmas. It is just us. She got her favorite fairy drawing tattooed on her leg and it has always been something I wanted to mimic ever since she died. It is VERY meaningful to me because it reminds me of our happy times together, our similarities, and has come to symbolize her in heaven looking down on me. When it is completed - I will have added a fairy that symbolizes ME and will work them in together. I will NEVER regret that.

My other two are also very close to my heart. I got 'love' tattooed on my wrist with my friend Jenny on TWLOHA day(To Write Love on Her Arms) which is an organization for suicide, self mutilation, and depression. OBVIOUSLY very close to my heart - it will always remind me of my mom and anyone else who suffers from depression - because I got it ON TWLOHA day specifically in remembrance and support of those who do live with such painful disorders. The most recent one is 'faith' on my wrist. Not only does it symbolize my walk with Christ, my transformation as a person - but it is also my daughter's middle name. I HATE name tattoos - I will never get one, but this holds double meaning for me.

No matter what anyone says, thinks, or 'sees' in me because of these tattoos, I am comfortable in my decision to have gotten them. Save the criticisms for yourself - open your mind and practice what you preach. We are all created equal in the eyes of God - He loves me AS IS and part of ME is how I choose to express myself. Instead of criticizing me for having one in the first place - ask me what it means to means.

Ask me what memories it keeps bright in my mind - ask me if I don't DESPERATELY need something to remind me of good times with someone that I loved dearly ...in which I struggle daily to remember in a positive light. Tell me that I shouldn't change anything God gave me and I'll ask you why you don't question people who dye their hair, pierce their ears, or WEAR CLOTHING for that matter.

I don't like being criticized for having tattoos - I guess that comes with the territory. At least I know that it means something to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone says to me. My tattoos bring me cherished memories and daily awareness of the things closest to my heart...that is something no one can take away!

When I am committed - I am capable!

It is sometimes hard to really look into yourself and see the good. And I don't mean that in a self loathing type of way, just that you just don't always recognize the character inside yourself because it is just you. Well, today I had a light bulb moment. I couldn't put this any more plainly than saying; I honestly like myself.  I have never lacked confidence in my own abilities - and I trust in who I am.

I have always believed anything can be accomplished where desire is had. I have never met a challenge I couldn't face head on. I truly believe anything can be worked out with patience, understanding, and diligent effort. Sometimes creativity and change are a must; one must be willing to roll with the punches, so to speak. One roadblock doesn't mean there isn't an alternate route just around the next corner. If you stop and retreat at the first one - you never come to a solution and there is never a breakthrough.

Because of this I feel that I have  been able to meet whatever expectation is put upon me. I like to think I have excelled at most everything that I have ever put my mind to. That is not to say I have not seen failure - but I know that with my failures there was a failure to commit on my behalf. When I am committed I am capable. I don't live my life by doing anything I am not committed to which ensures success. Anyone who tries wholeheartedly can never fail...the only failure is not trying.

Even saying this out loud sounds arrogant, because having confidence in oneself is much different from being cocky - and it is a fine line. But I feel like my own understanding of what I can handle, can do nothing but propel me forward - ultimately benefiting whatever I am channeling my energy into. I believe if I use this can do/will do attitude to serve God's calling will lead me to truly make a difference.

I've been asking God what my next step was in Freedom Church. How can I a stay at home-now single with no income momma, be generous and support my church. The answer I have received time and time again is keep experimenting. Keep joining, keep connecting, keep on keeping on. I have no super talents that stand out or lead me one direction over another - but I do have the utmost confidence in myself to do anything asked of me.

Perhaps my calling to try it all out is because I know that I can do it - whatever His will, it will be done. For the past couple of months I have felt called to experiment in different ministries, to find where my niche is. I haven't felt called to one particular thing but to try every opportunity I am capable of. For some, this may seem like a very obtuse calling, but for me it makes sense. I believe wholeheartedly that I am capable of anything - it is just a matter of do I love it or do I not.

I love God and I love my church. I feel God led me to recognize this quality about myself at this time in my life for a reason. I have always been able to understand, manage, and excel in school or my job - but I didn't have the level of commitment I now have in my life that made me feel I could do anything. It is something he instilled in me for this very season of my life. I am thankful that in a world ridden with doubt and second guesses - that God has blessed me with this little chunk of the self realization. Consequentially enough - my pastor posted this message on his blog today AS I was writing this and considering whether I would post it or not. We are in a season where we are being challenged to step up and into our calling. I can't wait to see how it will be used for the glory of God and the good of others.

Daily Reflections

I have decided to start 2 new journals - just for me. After reading 'Too Busy Not to Pray' I realized I really need to amp up my prayer life. I haven't done this in years up until a few months ago, and it is important to me to make the most out of my moments with God.

So first, I have a journal for daily reflections. It is limited to one page per day, and I can write any sort of reflections I have on the previous day. I start every entry with 'Yesterday,". Nothing has to profound, it is just a way to really think about things and give myself a chance to ponder on something I may have just moved on from and forgotten about. I think I will enjoy it...I like getting in touch with myself, and it will help me get in touch with God.

The second step of this journaling process is a prayer journal. I am really ADD especially when doing anything silently. It is sometimes hard for me to just listen to things, and even harder for me to pay attention when speaking to God. My mind wanders, I start having a conversation with myself about the events of the day or something that is bothering me, rather than with God. So I am going to start writing down my prayers, also limited to a page per day. After the fact, I will read my prayers aloud, adding comments or whatnot where I see fit. That is not to say I will only have one interaction with God per day, because I pray throughout the day. But it WILL be one, concentrated and purposeful moment with God each day.

I am super excited to see where this will lead me in my walk with Christ.

Busy Gals!

Tsk tsk on moi. A brand  new blog and I can't even keep up with it! In all fairness this summer has been busy! I am not complaining because I know without a shadow of a doubt my kids have had an amazing fun-filled summer they won't forget. With the exception of Joey, unless he turns out to be some super human memory master baby...which I am highly doubtful of - but anything is possible, right?!

Here are some highlights

• Many, many, many pool days. - Girls love it, I love it, baby man not so much. He enjoys flying all around the edge of the pool and giving mommy heart attacks. We got our tans on anyway!

• 2 vacation Bible Schools - and the best part of that is MARILYN GOT SAVED! I am so happy for her and she is so dedicated to reading her Bible it just fills me with joy.

• Fun arts and crafts with the girls - in addition to some organization and PURGING of old things taking up space. I love goodwilling it and my girls do to. When I say do you think you can find some toys to give to kids who don't have any - they always shock me with their generosity. Love their little faces!

• Cheerleading camp - it was hot, it was muggy, it was buggy, but Skylar LOVED it. And she gets to cheer with one of her best friends. ...Oh, and somehow I got swindled into becoming team mom. I blame it on my dear friends who have done it before and decided it is for the newbie. Thanks guys, if I have any problems I know who to come after!

• Quality time with our family - Many dinners together..I found alot of new recipes we tried out and loved. McKenzie(Aunt Mac) has been spoiling them rotten and I love having her around. Kirsten moved back to Georgia and we are so glad to have her back...our family isn't the same without her! Spent some time with my grandparents, they just love seeing the kids, and I just love seeing them. WIN WIN!

• Playdates, playgrounds, sleepovers, and a new next door neighbor to get to know - same age!

• And MOST fun of all was our vacation to Panama City Beach! My Uncle hooked us up with an amazing deal at a the beautiful Grand Panama Resort. I got to visit with my aunt and uncle, spend lots of time with my dad and the kids, shop shop shop til I dropped(not really I could've kept going but the card wouldn't have kept up with me!), and best of all my sisters were down at the same time. It was awesome to have them there, the kids got to play with Ben, I got to visit with Lisa and Aunt Tammy, and I had my BEST friends with me - it was amazing.

Only one week left of summer! For once I got school shopping done early - no fighting crowds and depleted aisles for me! What to do to keep us busy from now until next week...

Remembering the good, bad, and all inbetween

I am a 'Suicide Survivor' which doesn't mean I tried it and didn't succeed, it is an organization for loved ones of those who have committed suicide. Most people know my mom took her own life just over 3 years ago, and suicide itself is something very close to my heart. I am completely open with my story(which I plan to write on in the near future), even when it makes me and/or someone else uncomfortable because I believe some of the most uncomfortable subjects are the ones that most need sharing.

I have not met anyone other than myself who has lost a parent to suicide, so I cannot speak for the group as a whole. I would imagine that others feel the same way as I do, but I really don't know. Speaking only for myself, I can say it is VERY difficult to remember the good times with my mom because they are so overshadowed by the horrible end to both her life and our relationship.

Yesterday in the car I was listening to Taylor Swift with the girls - they absolutely love her and ALTHOUGH I think she looks like a praying mantis (haha!) she is growing on me(she's kept herself much classier than their other idol Ms. Miley Cyrus!) Her song 'The Best Day' just brought me back to the GOOD times which are so hard for me to remember.

I attribute a lot of who I am today to her, she was not always a troubled person and was often a very good mom to me. She loved me endlessly. While my dad was my 'support' my mom was my encouragement. She really saw me for who I was and never allowed me to doubt myself. She understood me completely, and even if I was wrong she stood beside me and let me figure things out for myself. I never felt alone because I knew she was always on my side. She had the best way of relating to me and giving me the advice I needed without meddling like a lot of mothers have a tendency to do. I always respected that about her and it really kept our relationship strong.

She was my person. The one who could take away the feeling of the world being on my shoulders. The one who would never lie to me - she was always honest and real. Much of my rationality comes from her. My dad tried to keep my sheltered - which I admired and was probably necessary to balance out my mom. She wanted to make sure I wasn't faced with a situation I couldn't handle and didn't sugarcoat the reality of the world for me. She laid everything on the table for me and trusted me enough to know what to do with it. I like to think I am the person I am today because I was always given options and KNEW how to process information in order to make the best decision. I didn't ALWAYS make the best ones - but I never sacrificed my morals or character. I am thankful she taught me to be a strong, independent, woman.

Most of all, I am glad I can still recognize the positive influences she had on my life - even if I only acknowledge it every now and then. It has taken me a long time to forgive her and even longer to get back some of the memories of my childhood and my mother. Nonetheless, I am grateful. For 21 years I had a mom who loved me more than anything - she always told me I was the best thing she ever did.

Love you mama, and I really DO miss you more than anything.

Work in Progress

Once upon a time I thought that each day, month, and year was a step by step process to growing up. What I did not know that just because another day passes doesn't mean you are any closer to growing up. It is a heart wrenching and grueling process, at least it has been for me. There is nothing more true than the fact that we are all ever changing, evolving, and growing.
 

When 'change' happens it is so hard to notice because you are so focused on making it through whatever is happening. Looking back it is easier to see what a major/minor transformation has occurred. Who I was 6 months ago(let's not even go further than that!) doesn't come close to comparing to who I am today.

Once I was lost, now I am found.
I was damaged and now I am healed.
I was fearful and now I am faithful.
I was broken and now I am complete.
I was judgmental now I am 
I was self absorbed and now I live to serve others.
I was settling for less and now I am reaching for greatness.

I hope that each moment I am given in this lifetime, I am working on bettering who I am. I will never be content with just 'being' anymore. I live to serve a greater purpose outside of myself - 'me' doesn't matter...only He and His matter!

Baptism

Last Sunday I was baptized! It was an experience I couldn't put into words if I tried, and I have! More than anything I just felt this overwhelming sense of accomplishment, pride, and joy in my heart.

I have come a long way as a person in just a few short months since accepting Christ into my life. Being baptized was my symbol of commitment toward living my life by God's will. It was a beautiful day in my life and is VERY close to the top of the 'Best days of my life' list.

I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be baptized in Freedom Church by Pastor JR supported by my dad, daughter, two of my closest friends, and my Freedom family. The support and congratulations were so encouraging and I am just counting my blessings to have been given such a spectacular group of people to add to my life. I'm loving life...God is SO great!

Joni giving me congrats and well wishes. She is a doll and has been so encouraging to me. Just one of many!

Saved by grace - and dunked by Pastor JR! ;P

Overjoyed - Ecstatic - Triumphant - BLESSED!

Life Swap

I'm a little late on my updates this week, but I absolutely wanted to start with a Sunday Scribblings Post. This week #221 is about life swap - something I would assume many people would think I'd be into.

I'm not. Not in this crazy season of my life, and not the ones I've faced before. Those seasons of life that I fought tooth and nail through to climb out of the trenches, or felt like I was drowning in a sea of  doubt and hopelessness - those seasons are what seasoned me.

Some who have heard my 'testimony' are often rendered speechless or give me their condolences. In the past I would have taken them. There have been times I have longed to be someone else - somewhere else. There has been an undeniable and larger than life sadness in my life. The suicide of my mother marked the coldest and darkest season of my lifetime.

How many times did I wish to be someone other than me? I can't even answer that question. An answer I do have, is how fortunate I am to have been given this life. The value I place on my life is immeasurable. I was given a life to live by my God, and I am driven each day by a purpose that remains unknown - but still I am carried forward.

If we were given the ability to swap lives I know that I would absolutely be someone else today. Oh, the joys I would have missed! How thankful and blessed I am to have stayed the course and found that life leads you places you never expected to be.

For those who think the grass is greener on the other side - it very well may be, but don't let envy into your heart. Keep walking...I urge you. Greener pastures await if you just keep climbing those mountains laid before you.

Psalm 23 -  ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. ² He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, ³ he restores my soul.


....and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

Father's Day

This will be my very first inspirational response from the blog Sunday Scribblings.In response to their #220 prompt "Birth" I have chosen to incorporate that into a tribute for Father's Day....to the man who gave me life!

In today's society we make a big to do about mother's day. I am not discrediting mother's - I happen to be one and I love and miss mine dearly. I simply feel that father's don't get enough credit! Many of the tributes I saw to the dads in the world yesterday were characterized by the standard 'real' father cynicism instead of just saying Happy Father's Day. Mother's can be just as undeserving of a day in their honor, but there doesn't seem to be the same stigma attached to them...no matter the level of involvement and dedication they have to their children. Not all fathers have lackluster parenting skills. Not all fathers run away. Not all fathers are shut up and sit down disciplinarians yielding belts and beer bottles. There are many men who deserve some credit.

I for one, was born to a manic depressive, addiction prone, anxious mama. I cannot allow those to be her only descriptive qualities, because she was much more than that. But honestly, I have both many good and bad things to say about her. On the other hand, I was blessed at birth to this man who loves me more than anything on this Earth and I couldn't find a bad word to say about him if I tried.

He did it by himself. I can imagine it isn't easy raising a little girl all alone but he never let it show. I wasn't the best dressed girl because I had a very plain(I.E.unfashionable) daddy doing the buying and laundering. Today I love that my dad was never materialistic - he never bought my love and he never taught me to be more concerned with appearances than what was on the inside. Looking back, I'd much rather have time than things. And time I had.

We spent weekends camping, hiking, canoeing, horseback riding, and crafting with our Indian Guides troop in Elementary. We spent weeks of the summer in California, Texas, and Florida. Just he and I and our extended family. A single dad toting a little girl around the country without a woman's help. Unheard of. Admirable.

In middle school there were practices and games up to four or five times a week - he was at EVERY single one. He shuttled me to and from my weekly music lessons and never missed a performance. He went to church twice a week because I wanted to. He made sure I was at every bible study and youth group activities the rest of my schedule allowed. He worked ALL THE TIME. I cannot imagine he ever slept. I was a busy girl and he was a dedicated daddy.

Then we have the high school years. In which our home served as a boarding house for all of my best girlfriends EVERY weekend....all weekend. On any given weekend there were at least 4 chatty teenagers who thought the world revolved around them.The best part was he let us think that. I recall a grocery list about a page long in junk food - he looked at us like we were crazy...then brought it all home. He facilitated my numerous trips to the movies or the mall. He tolerated the INCESSANT obsession with all things NSYNC and was forced far to many times to listen to the pop music reverberating throughout his sound system. As if he could even hear it with us shrieking and giggling.. as 15 year old girls do. Did I mention the time we had tickets to the concert and I became extremely ill and couldn't go. He was our ride and he took all my friends anyway AND treated them to some late night dinner downtown afterward. He was always completely unselfish and so generous with both me and anyone who I loved.

What stands out the most about the man I am blessed to have been born to is his unending support throughout all of my trials and tribulations. I was a sharp tongued teenager who wasn't interested in rules. I got myself in trouble too many times. I never got arrested or terribly hurt but I definitely contributed as a financial burden and stress inducer. He never gave up on me. He respected my feelings and gave me space when I needed it. He screened my phone calls and followed me when he thought I was up to no good. He stuck his nose where I very much liked to believe it didn't belong and asked questions I never wanted to answer. He put strict limitations on my driving - including counting every mile I should have gone vs every mile I did go. He was in a relentless pursuit at making sure I was safe - even if that meant I held it against him.

He was there doing all those things parents don't want to have to do...especially dads with daughters. He was loving his daughter with every second, every ounce, and everything he had. Why? I can't say for sure. I was important and loved - that I know. So thank you dad for giving me your all and being so completely selfless. You are a wonderful father and grandfather. I am so blessed to have been given YOU as my father the day I was born and everyday thereafter.

Power of Prayer

I am still amazed by the power of prayer when you REALLY mean it.

I never knew how meaningful private moments with my God could be and the sense of peace that could be attained.

When I need it and I ask for it - He is there. When I desperately need my vision cleared and my heart opened and my butt pushed pulled and redirected - He is there. When I am lost - He finds me.

Every time.

I stand amazed everyday. Thank you God and thank you Jesus for guiding me, and loving me, and being all knowing, all powerful, and PERFECTLY holy.

I am undeserving but ever grateful. 

To Remember...

Capricorn.

Killing you is killing me

My love, my partner, my best friend.

I am so sorry.

Please forgive me for doing this...

and know that I am hurting with you.

For you.

..for us.

 And our babies,

and our life that we will still have

Just not together.

So much remains unseen,

and unanswered,

and unknown.

I do know this,

WE WILL SURVIVE THIS

All of us..

and we will be better people for it.

Whether you understand that now,

or not.

I have just found a strength that you aren't comfortable with knowing yet...

and for that reason there is nothing I can say that will make you understand. 

Please don't lose yourself.

If nothing else,

make the best of this.

Look inside and search for answers within

Seek and you shall find.

I promise.

Keep faith, keep going,

You will find happiness

When it is RIGHT

We have done everything wrong

And I cannot go back...

just forward.

I'll always be there

and you will always be a part of me.

Be strong my darling.

Writing

I love writing.
 There aren't 3 words that could better describe it - I LOVE writing!

I am one of those freaks who enjoys writing essays and papers.
I love writing personal emails and letters.
Shoot, I even love writing text messages and status updates!

Anything employing the use of language brings me joy.
I take much pride in my work and it has always come easily for me.
I've just always been a 'good' writer.
Writing is something I do not do just for school and/or work(when I'm working...ha!) but for pleasure.
I am definitely not planning on becoming a journalist or an author or even a famous blogger because I write for ME.

The funny thing is - I haven't written for ME in close to 3 years now.
It just hurt too bad and I was afraid of what I would have to say.
It doesn't hurt anymore.
...At least not enough to hold me back on something that is therapeutic to me.

I have dived back into writing by getting back into school which is all fine and dandy except that is not writing for ME. I can do it and I do it well - but I want to pick the topics and write in the way I feel comfortable.

I want to let my mind wander and my fingers do the walking and just GO.
It's better that way.
When you're not thinking of sentence structures and punctuation and APA format and citing references.
I can do that.
..But that is not writing for the soul.

I started this blog for a reason. To document some personal transformations I am going through. I want it to be so much more than that. A place to go to let it all out in whatever format I feel like. I want to find new depths to draw inspiration from and I want to develop as a writer. For those reasons I will write when I feel inspired by my own life or something I have come across. But I am also going to journey into prompts and see what I can come up with, when otherwise I would go without writing that day.

I found the cutest craft that I will have much fun making. Who wouldn't draw inspiration from such a cute idea customized to your very own style. You can find the 'tutorial' here: but it is pretty self explanatory.

I have also started following a blog called 'Sunday Scribblings' that posts one prompt a week, that you will in turn write on. You then comment their blog letting them know you have participated and they will link to your blog. Seems like a fun way to develop some creativity, read others, and possibly find yourself some readers in the process.

Happy Bloggin' Y'all!

Perpetually Perplexed.

I'm not comfortable taking criticism over my new found devotion to my Lord and Savior. Let me rephrase that...I am WILLING, by all means. I am just not certain of how to react when I face criticism and it makes me uncomfortable.

The people I've had in my life for a long time may know I used to have a relationship with God. They at least know the tragedy I have faced since then and what it did to my beliefs; however faltering those may have already been. Those whom I call my family and friends have always been so supportive of me. Christian or not, I have amazing people in my life that I have ALWAYS thanked God for. Overall I have received nothing but congratulations and interest in what is going on in my life.

On the other side, there are many other people who have only been in my life the past few years or possibly even less time than that. These people have remained mum, as to be expected, because we are not so close they would feel comfortable criticizing or congratulating me. Some I know are not close to God, and still others I have no idea about. I can imagine many of these people don't care about the transformation that is happening in my life or the overwhelming joy and passion I have now. I can imagine some people do care - they care not to hear anything about it at all.

That is okay with me. I never expected to have some sort of 100% support rate in my pursuit of God. I am not so far detached from who I used to be that I don't remember not caring about what anyone had to say concerning God. In fact I recall even being annoyed by some people relationship with God. However, I can say with all honesty I never felt the urge to discourage, criticize, or mock anyone for their beliefs.

I believe that a relationship with God(no matter what your religion) is a very personal thing.

I don't believe it should be forced on anyone who isn't ready for it - doing so will only push them further away.

I also believe that I should be able to freely express MY love for Jesus Christ. I should be able to worship, praise, study, and practice my faith without facing harsh judgments or being made fun of. I also realize that is probably not a realistic expectation and that I will inevitably encounter some who set out to destroy my relationship.

Reading the word of God and searching for meaning and inspiration is ENCOURAGING to my relationship with God. When I write or say something - it is because it has impacted ME and I wanted to share in hopes others might feel the same way.

I do not expect for everyone to feel the same way as I do. I wish I could always expect respect and honor because that is what I always try to give to others no matter what their beliefs are. Unfortunately that expectation has not been met and I don't know what to do with that.

Because I am still learning and seeking truths that have not yet been revealed to me - I feel I am vulnerable. I am not nearly who I want to be. I hope to always be able to say I am growing and changing. I want an active relationship with God and I have no problem standing up for that. But because I am so new in this life I feel like those who are blatant in their disdain or disagreement with me are hindering my growth.

I want to keep going full steam ahead into the light. It seems like people who out-rightly voice their negative opinions are just trying to hold me back. It hurts my feelings and makes me lose confidence in myself. I don't relate to wanting to stifle people's happiness or cast doubt into their beliefs.

My initial reaction when faced with someone like this is to just shake it off and move on. And then as I internalize it just feels like a personal attack and puts me into defense mode. I am non-confrontational so that displays as an all out cold shoulder. Deletion. Period.

I do not want toxic people in my life - I do not desire to be harshly criticized and made into a joke. Simply put...it pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed. I don't want to harbor negativity and bad feelings toward people AND I don't want to be hypocrite and turn my back on someone because they do not hold my beliefs. But if they aren't respecting mine as I respect theirs isn't that just a burden on my own attempt to live a life for God?

What do you do when you are offended and feel you need to protect yourself against a poison to your own heart, but desire to continue to spread the word of God and a new zeal for life?

They make me PROUD!

Marilyn and Skylar met a little girl at the pool a couple of weeks ago. She was just one of those not so nice little kids who you could tell was very much a direct effect of the example her parents set. My girls are sweet though and tried to play with her nicely and share their things. Eventually the little girl and Marilyn discovered they both went to church. The little girl asked Marilyn what church she went to and she said Freedom Church. The little girl said "Well MY church is Baptist so what kind of church is that." Marilyn replied it was a church for God. The little girl then told Marilyn that ALL churches were for God and called her a not very nice name and began to say that Baptist churches were the best and that our church wasn't a 'real' church unless it was a 'kind' of church. Marilyn's response? It's a CHRISTIAN church. 'Atta girl!


Joey Jay and Marilyn are very close and sometimes Skylar gets a little jealous. I always explain to her Marilyn is just older and is able to do more with their little brother than Skylar can. But lately he has started to bond a lot more with her and they have been playing very well together. The other day we were having a rare moment of relaxation and peace. Joey was laying with Skylar and she said "Did you know people love you? Did you know God loves you? Did you know I love you? I loooooooooooooooooove (in crazy robot voice) you!" He responded with an enthusiastic "YAH!" Speaking of who loves who...did they know I love them?



And this is just funny, surprising, and adorable...I'll post a video soon! We were walking out of church and 'We Will Rock You' by Queen was playing. I've never played this for him in his life and didn't even prompt him. Sure enough, baby man starts singing "We will we will rock!" It was adorable and I have continued to make him say it so he doesn't forget how in preparation for said video. Just wait ...my kid is awesome.

Making it Meaningful

For the most part I am well spoken and have a firm grasp on the English language. 

But words I though I knew are all taking on different meanings that I had never considered before.

Words I thought I knew are becoming so much more than they were before. They are clear and expansive and specific and my understanding of them is so much richer than it was 6 months ago.

My world is opening up before my eyes.
My horizons are widening and my perception of life is reaching new depths.
I have oceans of possibility before me and life is becoming so much more meaningful than I ever thought it could be. 

Grace.

Obedience.

Sincerity.

Redemption.

Faith.

Compassion.

Growth.

Strength.

I'm getting to know you a little more each day. 
 

Leaps of Faith

I am a newly restored believer in Christ.

I am effin proud. And I feel so enthusiastically I just needed that effin(in all clean intentioned manner) for oomph.

And then there is me who needs some oomph as well. A swift kick in the butt could do me some good b/c I am staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiing.

I just had to write THIS INSTANT I think because I need to just call myself out so I can move on.

But I digress, I am a newly restored believer in Christ. And I am completely new to this whole listening to God and acting out his will deal. I am open to it..I yearn for it even. I have been listening to my heart and God's word and acting in Him the best I know how. From the smallest decisions each day I make a conscious effort to involve God and I am listening to what He speaks into me...I have seen results daily!

Except...
(and aren't there always exceptions...darn you exceptions for you just make everything much more difficult)

...this one HUGE thing that I feel is just being SCREAMED into my very being and etched into my heart mind and body in every way.
I.
Know.
What.
To.
Do.

Except...that I can't or won't do it. I'm putting it off and putting it off and pushing it out of my mind until this more convenient moment or place. But that moment is not coming. God is funny that way. How there is this overwhelming command that you absolutely cannot ignore even when it is the most inconvenient thing you could conceive. Because ignoring it is turning you back on Him, but following it is smashing yourself into a brick wall going 100mph KNOWING that you are without a doubt making it to the other side alive. Because my God is that great and I have that much faith. I know for certain there are better things in store for me if I just DO IT. It's that smashing part that is going to hurt like hell and it is holding me back something fierce.

That is the point, I believe. I have the faith - it pulses throughout me. I have no doubts concerning what needs to be done and why. I am not worried that things won't be better...I believe they will be almost immediately. I have no doubt in myself or my children or the people around me to be supportive. I will have all the support in the world, I am more than capable of dealing with what needs to be done, and I know I will be a better person for doing so. Best and MOST importantly - closer to God and a more faithful servant. But I have just got to get past this fear of the doing itself. It will be painful and it will be LESS than convenient.

I'm beginning to learn God is not always about convenience. I am afraid to learn that MOST of the time convenience is just not even a factor. To be faithful means to follow God's will no matter the hardships you may have to go through to do so. No matter the inconvenience or the struggle, you sometimes have to just take that leap of faith to keep up. Stalling and procrastinating and avoiding are not doing me any good. Until I just take that leap of faith I am stuck here when all I want is to move forward.

Feeling better!

I took a nap after that last post...it made all the difference! I don't like being that negative and make it a point every minute of every day to find as much GOOD in life as I can...because there is tons. I am blessed to have wonderfully supportive friends and family around me and have everything I need.

I have one incredible thing to rejoice for....I quit smoking! It was really so easy and I don't know why I never did it before. I was really just a social smoker anyway and the only time I could ever finish a whole one was if I was having a drink which I'm also not really doing anymore. May I please add...I feel GREAT! No more hacking up nastiness...and hopefully no more bronchitis...we'll have to wait for fall for the answer to that though. MAYBE I'll even get my singing voice back that would be great because I really miss it!

I got ALL my school problems worked out AND money problems as well. Can we say double the amount of financial aid? Yes we can :)

AND the best part is I have come to a solid decision on my biggest problem. Now I just need to muster up the courage and resolve to get it done. I'm ready for it to be done and I am going to be okay and a much better person for doing so. I hope that I will not step on too many toes on the way I don't want to hurt anyone but unfortunately it is inevitable.

...for that reason I've been doing alot of praying. Not just for me but for the ones involved...that they might have a better sense of understanding than I expect them to.

No matter what things are in motion in the right direction and it feels so good. I am so happy with where my life is headed. So happy I chopped off all my hair and I love it!

Change sucks..kind of

I'm trying to make so many changes in my life the anticipation of doing so is just driving my crazy. Overwhelmed does not begin to describe it. I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide...except that isn't going to get things rolling any faster. I feel like I'm just dropping balls left and right in preparation for this. I have to drop this class just so I have time to deal with what's coming, but I CAN'T drop this class b/c my financial aid hasn't been received yet so I have to pay for this and the next class out of pocket if I do so. And I HAVE to do so but have no money to pay out of pocket...or for anything else for that matter. I'm stressed. I don't see how what I have to do is going to make things any easier on any of us. I have faith and that is why I am doing what I am doing but it is SO HARD I want to just scream and cry like a toddler right now. There is a solution to all of this I KNOW there is I just have to find it...whatever could it be?

My KyKy

This was my girl 5 years ago.

Skylar is officially a 1st grader. Can I please reiterate that... A STINKIN FIRST GRADER!

My girl is a full blown kid. She's been a full blown kid for awhile now but I am in complete denial. This little girl can almost read an entire book and rarely needs help sounding anything out. Her teacher was great and I am so sad to leave her...but we're hoping for the best next year!

She has gained such a sense of independence and her personality is coming out more everyday. She can just talk and talk and busts out with some pretty funny one liners! She is definitely her mama's daughter and I cannot believe how much she looks like my mom.

While I'm reveling in her development I want to take the time to remember my baby girl as a TRUE baby girl. What prompted this entire post was not her advancement into first grade, but simply her advancement as a child who is growing up before my eyes.

Just last year she still called her swim suit a "bay bay suit", and today without warning(which mommies sometimes need but don't often get) her pronunciation was on point. Bathing suit. Tear...seriously....

Milk is no longer 'nilk' and don't ask me when that happened, it just did. I corrected and corrected for years and someday it worked.

She no longer says purple and paper like a little french speaking child. She no longer delights in pointing  out to mommy the little flying creatures in the sky and saying 'burr?' for bird. She doesn't even remember her 'money bunny' or when her uncle taught at a year old to say "Show me the money!"

She is still such a sweet girl and reminds me of all the wonderful parts of my mom. I have a tendency to harp on the negative aspects of my mother, but she truly contributed such a spunky sweetness to my little girl that she hasn't ever seemed to lose. I hope she never does.

For now, I will soak up the hugs and "I want you's." Her desire to help me every way she can and her love of washing the dishes. The stick figures and JUST quite in the line drawings that say I love you mom. Her enthusiasm and exuberance and sassy disposition. She is just the slightest bit bossy but mostly just wants to love and be loved by everyone.

I have a couple little babyisms I can still treasure that will probably be kaput by next year.
Lemonade=Lemonlade
Heavy=Havy
and my absolute favoritist(give me a break I'm talking babyism's here)
Fabulous=Fablious.

To my BIG little girl your mommy treasures you so much. Watching you grow is such a blessing...bittersweet or not. I'm sure in 5 years I will be looking back at this post feeling the same as I do right now. A mother's love never subsides and neither will the memories.

Through the Fire

If anyone has been through trials and tribulations...it is me. See HERE for a very condensed version of which I wanted to share with the people who have helped change my life. I am lucky I was never completely consumed by some of the things I have faced in my life.

That is not to say they were not completely soul shattering, but somehow I made it through in one piece. Sometimes for the better - sometimes for the worse. Always in one piece.

Whether I acknowledged it or even wanted the presence of God with me, he was always there. Had I known in my heart He was with me, things may have been a lot easier. Maybe not. Bad things happen to good people. You can choose to have faith in the face of adversity or you can hang your head low and give up. I gave up...but I was carried through the flames anyway. I believe that was because I was meant to serve a purpose. I was meant to share my story for proof that HORRIBLE things can happen and you can still come out victorious.

I was meant to be where I am today, and I now know that having God in my life doesn't mean I am guaranteed an easy way out. There will still be(and are) huge mountains to move, roads to navigate, and adversaries standing in my way. But having faith in Him does give you a guaranteed happy ending after is all and said is done. 

A faith that hasn't been tested can't be trusted. Keep walking through that fire, for He is by your side.

Plans in Motion

After an inspiring message from Pastor JR about how to hear from God, I have decided to take up a Bible reading plan - TODAY! I knew I wanted to read the Bible, it just looks SO intimidating. But I found a plan that will work with my schedule and I am excited to get started. You can view my particular plan here. There is a plan for everyone - both intense and relaxed at www.youversion.com/reading-plans/

I already know that God is speaking to my heart. I have felt it since the day I came to Freedom Church, but I am very afraid to do what he is speaking to me. Pastor JR said following the word of God can be torture. The thought of this is torture but necessary for me to continue on my walk with Jesus. Pray for my strength in this matter, as I am everyday. I am willing to listen and ready to act. I am. It's scary. It will be done, because God's will never goes against God's word. I knew that already but it took my Pastor saying it to make me realize it HAS to be done and I did not just conjure this up into my own head for selfish reasons. It is not a cop out. It is not an excuse. I know that is how it's going to be perceived by some, but those some are exactly who WOULDN'T understand because they are not heading in the same direction I am.

I am not going to let others define me and my decisions, or my motives for that matter. I am not letting myself define me. God defines me and I pray He will continue to speak into my heart. Everyday for the next year I am going to actively seek that out in my reading plan and my everyday decisions. I am willing to listen and ready to act....come get me!

It's never too early, right?!

My kids say the darndest things. So I've decided since I'm officially a blogger now(even if I have no followers..ha!) this is the perfect place to document it.

We are gathered into our kitchen holding hands preparing to pray and bless our food. Baby J man of course hauls it into another room and Skylar takes it upon herself to try to wrangle him. This was her first mistake. He is half her weight but MUCH more passionate about his desires. If you're a parent you get the drift. She chases him around in vain for a few seconds. She realizes it is a losing battle and retreats saying in exasperation, "He is just a baby and they don't have to pray." Well Sky...I guess you're right! Haha.

And on a side note my son can now say "You a punk." Thanks daddy, as if the NO!!!!'s weren't enough he can add an insult for injury. I make myself giggle.

Goodnight.