6.08.2010

Perpetually Perplexed.

I'm not comfortable taking criticism over my new found devotion to my Lord and Savior. Let me rephrase that...I am WILLING, by all means. I am just not certain of how to react when I face criticism and it makes me uncomfortable.

The people I've had in my life for a long time may know I used to have a relationship with God. They at least know the tragedy I have faced since then and what it did to my beliefs; however faltering those may have already been. Those whom I call my family and friends have always been so supportive of me. Christian or not, I have amazing people in my life that I have ALWAYS thanked God for. Overall I have received nothing but congratulations and interest in what is going on in my life.

On the other side, there are many other people who have only been in my life the past few years or possibly even less time than that. These people have remained mum, as to be expected, because we are not so close they would feel comfortable criticizing or congratulating me. Some I know are not close to God, and still others I have no idea about. I can imagine many of these people don't care about the transformation that is happening in my life or the overwhelming joy and passion I have now. I can imagine some people do care - they care not to hear anything about it at all.

That is okay with me. I never expected to have some sort of 100% support rate in my pursuit of God. I am not so far detached from who I used to be that I don't remember not caring about what anyone had to say concerning God. In fact I recall even being annoyed by some people relationship with God. However, I can say with all honesty I never felt the urge to discourage, criticize, or mock anyone for their beliefs.

I believe that a relationship with God(no matter what your religion) is a very personal thing.

I don't believe it should be forced on anyone who isn't ready for it - doing so will only push them further away.

I also believe that I should be able to freely express MY love for Jesus Christ. I should be able to worship, praise, study, and practice my faith without facing harsh judgments or being made fun of. I also realize that is probably not a realistic expectation and that I will inevitably encounter some who set out to destroy my relationship.

Reading the word of God and searching for meaning and inspiration is ENCOURAGING to my relationship with God. When I write or say something - it is because it has impacted ME and I wanted to share in hopes others might feel the same way.

I do not expect for everyone to feel the same way as I do. I wish I could always expect respect and honor because that is what I always try to give to others no matter what their beliefs are. Unfortunately that expectation has not been met and I don't know what to do with that.

Because I am still learning and seeking truths that have not yet been revealed to me - I feel I am vulnerable. I am not nearly who I want to be. I hope to always be able to say I am growing and changing. I want an active relationship with God and I have no problem standing up for that. But because I am so new in this life I feel like those who are blatant in their disdain or disagreement with me are hindering my growth.

I want to keep going full steam ahead into the light. It seems like people who out-rightly voice their negative opinions are just trying to hold me back. It hurts my feelings and makes me lose confidence in myself. I don't relate to wanting to stifle people's happiness or cast doubt into their beliefs.

My initial reaction when faced with someone like this is to just shake it off and move on. And then as I internalize it just feels like a personal attack and puts me into defense mode. I am non-confrontational so that displays as an all out cold shoulder. Deletion. Period.

I do not want toxic people in my life - I do not desire to be harshly criticized and made into a joke. Simply put...it pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed. I don't want to harbor negativity and bad feelings toward people AND I don't want to be hypocrite and turn my back on someone because they do not hold my beliefs. But if they aren't respecting mine as I respect theirs isn't that just a burden on my own attempt to live a life for God?

What do you do when you are offended and feel you need to protect yourself against a poison to your own heart, but desire to continue to spread the word of God and a new zeal for life?

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