Change sucks..kind of

I'm trying to make so many changes in my life the anticipation of doing so is just driving my crazy. Overwhelmed does not begin to describe it. I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball and hide...except that isn't going to get things rolling any faster. I feel like I'm just dropping balls left and right in preparation for this. I have to drop this class just so I have time to deal with what's coming, but I CAN'T drop this class b/c my financial aid hasn't been received yet so I have to pay for this and the next class out of pocket if I do so. And I HAVE to do so but have no money to pay out of pocket...or for anything else for that matter. I'm stressed. I don't see how what I have to do is going to make things any easier on any of us. I have faith and that is why I am doing what I am doing but it is SO HARD I want to just scream and cry like a toddler right now. There is a solution to all of this I KNOW there is I just have to find it...whatever could it be?

My KyKy

This was my girl 5 years ago.

Skylar is officially a 1st grader. Can I please reiterate that... A STINKIN FIRST GRADER!

My girl is a full blown kid. She's been a full blown kid for awhile now but I am in complete denial. This little girl can almost read an entire book and rarely needs help sounding anything out. Her teacher was great and I am so sad to leave her...but we're hoping for the best next year!

She has gained such a sense of independence and her personality is coming out more everyday. She can just talk and talk and busts out with some pretty funny one liners! She is definitely her mama's daughter and I cannot believe how much she looks like my mom.

While I'm reveling in her development I want to take the time to remember my baby girl as a TRUE baby girl. What prompted this entire post was not her advancement into first grade, but simply her advancement as a child who is growing up before my eyes.

Just last year she still called her swim suit a "bay bay suit", and today without warning(which mommies sometimes need but don't often get) her pronunciation was on point. Bathing suit. Tear...seriously....

Milk is no longer 'nilk' and don't ask me when that happened, it just did. I corrected and corrected for years and someday it worked.

She no longer says purple and paper like a little french speaking child. She no longer delights in pointing  out to mommy the little flying creatures in the sky and saying 'burr?' for bird. She doesn't even remember her 'money bunny' or when her uncle taught at a year old to say "Show me the money!"

She is still such a sweet girl and reminds me of all the wonderful parts of my mom. I have a tendency to harp on the negative aspects of my mother, but she truly contributed such a spunky sweetness to my little girl that she hasn't ever seemed to lose. I hope she never does.

For now, I will soak up the hugs and "I want you's." Her desire to help me every way she can and her love of washing the dishes. The stick figures and JUST quite in the line drawings that say I love you mom. Her enthusiasm and exuberance and sassy disposition. She is just the slightest bit bossy but mostly just wants to love and be loved by everyone.

I have a couple little babyisms I can still treasure that will probably be kaput by next year.
Lemonade=Lemonlade
Heavy=Havy
and my absolute favoritist(give me a break I'm talking babyism's here)
Fabulous=Fablious.

To my BIG little girl your mommy treasures you so much. Watching you grow is such a blessing...bittersweet or not. I'm sure in 5 years I will be looking back at this post feeling the same as I do right now. A mother's love never subsides and neither will the memories.

Through the Fire

If anyone has been through trials and tribulations...it is me. See HERE for a very condensed version of which I wanted to share with the people who have helped change my life. I am lucky I was never completely consumed by some of the things I have faced in my life.

That is not to say they were not completely soul shattering, but somehow I made it through in one piece. Sometimes for the better - sometimes for the worse. Always in one piece.

Whether I acknowledged it or even wanted the presence of God with me, he was always there. Had I known in my heart He was with me, things may have been a lot easier. Maybe not. Bad things happen to good people. You can choose to have faith in the face of adversity or you can hang your head low and give up. I gave up...but I was carried through the flames anyway. I believe that was because I was meant to serve a purpose. I was meant to share my story for proof that HORRIBLE things can happen and you can still come out victorious.

I was meant to be where I am today, and I now know that having God in my life doesn't mean I am guaranteed an easy way out. There will still be(and are) huge mountains to move, roads to navigate, and adversaries standing in my way. But having faith in Him does give you a guaranteed happy ending after is all and said is done. 

A faith that hasn't been tested can't be trusted. Keep walking through that fire, for He is by your side.

Plans in Motion

After an inspiring message from Pastor JR about how to hear from God, I have decided to take up a Bible reading plan - TODAY! I knew I wanted to read the Bible, it just looks SO intimidating. But I found a plan that will work with my schedule and I am excited to get started. You can view my particular plan here. There is a plan for everyone - both intense and relaxed at www.youversion.com/reading-plans/

I already know that God is speaking to my heart. I have felt it since the day I came to Freedom Church, but I am very afraid to do what he is speaking to me. Pastor JR said following the word of God can be torture. The thought of this is torture but necessary for me to continue on my walk with Jesus. Pray for my strength in this matter, as I am everyday. I am willing to listen and ready to act. I am. It's scary. It will be done, because God's will never goes against God's word. I knew that already but it took my Pastor saying it to make me realize it HAS to be done and I did not just conjure this up into my own head for selfish reasons. It is not a cop out. It is not an excuse. I know that is how it's going to be perceived by some, but those some are exactly who WOULDN'T understand because they are not heading in the same direction I am.

I am not going to let others define me and my decisions, or my motives for that matter. I am not letting myself define me. God defines me and I pray He will continue to speak into my heart. Everyday for the next year I am going to actively seek that out in my reading plan and my everyday decisions. I am willing to listen and ready to act....come get me!

It's never too early, right?!

My kids say the darndest things. So I've decided since I'm officially a blogger now(even if I have no followers..ha!) this is the perfect place to document it.

We are gathered into our kitchen holding hands preparing to pray and bless our food. Baby J man of course hauls it into another room and Skylar takes it upon herself to try to wrangle him. This was her first mistake. He is half her weight but MUCH more passionate about his desires. If you're a parent you get the drift. She chases him around in vain for a few seconds. She realizes it is a losing battle and retreats saying in exasperation, "He is just a baby and they don't have to pray." Well Sky...I guess you're right! Haha.

And on a side note my son can now say "You a punk." Thanks daddy, as if the NO!!!!'s weren't enough he can add an insult for injury. I make myself giggle.

Goodnight.

Mother's Day THIS YEAR!

I have never been a fan of mother's day. Actually, never might be a strong word. For the last several years I have not been a fan of mother's day. There are several reasons for this

• My mom is gone and I am still harboring many painful memories that seem to outshine the good times. On a day like Mother's Day, honoring her and her memory seems impossible to me. Which transforms into major guilt. Yeah...major yuckiness. Blah!
• Ever since I have become a mother I've never had anybody try to make it special for me. On my very 1st Mother's Day I was completely forgotten by Skylar's dad "because I wasn't his mom" and it took tears to my parents at 11pm and a confrontation between he and my mom for him to care. I won't dwell on that because it is in the past and he is out of our lives, but let's just say that problem has rang true in the years since.
• Because I've either been single or around people who don't seem to care it just turns into another day that I am doing it all. Hear me out here ladies...a break from the kids is sometimes very welcomed!

I wasn't expecting much else to change this year. I guess I had forgotten I have changed.

This year it didn't hurt so bad. I remembered her but I didn't let it get me down. I was very busy and didn't have much of a moment to dwell, but I like to think I wouldn't have anyway. She is loved and missed terribly and I'm going to stop feeling guilty when it isn't destroying me - it's not supposed to!

This year I reveled in the fact I am a mom. I am SO blessed beyond belief with my children. They are a constant source of joy and pride in my life and my BEST accomplishment. Getting to see them grow as people and develop their very own unique personality is a gift every. single. day. 

This year I got to celebrate with an entirely new set of people in my life. Freedom Church! I am proud to call this church my home now and I am even more proud to partner with them. Since my babies were created by God himself there was no better way to spend Mother's Day but honoring Him and the blessings He has given me. We even got a performance by all the FreedomKidz that was too cute for words! The purse was nice too!

This year I spent the most of my day with my family. After church the kids took a little a nap and I did a little work. Then we went to my grandparents with my dad. I was elated to be spending my Mother's Day with my mom's mother and the sweetest grandmother in the whole world! I was even more surprised to find my aunts and uncle Warren there as well. The next best thing to spending my day with my mom is spending it with her family. My family. They are wonderful and supportive in everything I do - I wish I saw them more often!

This year my daddy got me exactly what I wanted - he might have had some help from a little birdie named ME! But nonetheless he came through and I can't wait to go to Sips n Strokes and get my paint on!

This year my biggest surprise was the gift from Joey! He had to work that morning and afternoon and didn't get off in time to make it out with us anywhere. I had been going non stop all weekend and still had quite a full plate(still do...here's my procrastination at it's finest!). I was exhausted and couldn't wait to get home. As soon as I walked in the door much to my surprise I walked into a ridiculously clean house. I'm talking spotless and organized and all at the hands of my man...and thank goodness b/c I had no time to devote to doing it and no patience for living in it. <3'd it!

So all in all, this year's Mother's Day was great. I know without a doubt I am loved and cherished...most importantly by my kids! It is a great feeling knowing you are the one their world moves around. Those bright eyes, huge grins, sweet kisses, and wet tears - they are all for me. Everyday I get to be a leader, encourager, teacher, chef, chauffeur, healer, dream catcher, soother, playmate, and MOMMY!

...and THAT is the reason I love Mother's Day this year!

The Mommy Meltdown

We had a little scare around here last night...well I guess I should say I had a little scare. Joey was the epitome of cool, calm, and collected. Thank God because I was having a MAJOR MELTDOWN. I am a mother so I feel that I am more prone to flipping out, and my gosh after birthing this 9 pounder I believe that's my right. It is quite customary for me to be brought to tears when my children are sick because I love them dearly and hate to see them suffer. However, last night was much more intense than usual!


It may be because I just recently read and watched 'Memory Keeper's Daughter' which was a great read and also a fuel to my fire of borderline hypochondriac-ness.  Possibly because of this blog http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/  which I came across a couple of months ago. I still follow it because she is THAT inspiring, talented, and just has a way of saying things. She has also suffered a tremendous tragedy and handles it with so much grace it has at times brought me to tears. It may be because reading her family's story is what prompted me to choose the topic of vaccinations for my research paper. That research has cemented in my the dire importance of vaccinations - and also educated me on more illnesses and ramifications than I care to know about. But mostly, I have a PARALYZING fear of losing another loved one. My mother was one thing, but my children are on that I can't handle it level. And I couldn't.

He woke up screaming at 1am, which isn't unheard of he usually just wants his paci. As soon as I picked him up I knew something was wrong. He was completely limp, like a dead fish. Disoriented and on fire. Joey called in the recruits and wrangled up the baby gear while I just held my baby and sobbed. Of course I had no fever reducers thanks to the wonderful likes of  McNeil products recalling motrin and tylenol. I cannot tell you all the thoughts that ran through my head. He was FINE and showed no symptoms of infection. I prayed and sobbed and sniffled until we were at the hospital.

He HATED the hospital. The bracelet was the first thing that set him off, and continued to set him off throughout our stay. Temperature and blood pressure checks were no piece of cake either. Don't even get me started on the doctor trying to look into all those little holes of infection. The only thing this kid was happy about was the popsicle he was given by the nurses(I'm sure to shutup the symphonic levels of volume my child can hit)

After MUCH screaming and tears(from him and I) it was a freaking ear infection. I bawled. I literally said THANK GOD it's in an ear infection and then collapsed into sobs of anxiety releasing joy. Joey kept telling him, "Mommy is only being crazy because she loves you that much." I couldn't have said it better.

One Day

To begin, here is a little background. I was raised in church, my grandfather is a retired minister, and my family was always very involved with our church when I was growing up. If I wasn't at church at least 3 days a week, we were doing something with/for someone from church. I feel that those times were some of the happiest of my life and I look back on them fondly. After my parent's divorce, everything changed and we stopped going. I was only 8 or 9 and accepted it for what it was, a change I had no control of. Life went on and I got into other activities and forgot all about church until middle school. I woke up one day with a desire to seek out God. Ironically enough our neighbor and long time family friend had been inviting us to go to his church for weeks. I came, I loved, I reconnected, and I devoted my life to this church and it's ministry and when I was old enough I went through the long confirmation process. I was dedicated and motivated and all about Jesus Christ. That is until our youth pastors were ousted because they were a lesbian couple and our pastor was accused of 2 counts of child molestation against little boys in our church. I wish I could say it wasn't, but that was like a boulder dropping on my faith, it was squashed. I had finally found somewhere I was comfortable and I loved God, I lived for God. All of a sudden my church is in shambles, and I was back on my way to being far from God. I won't go into detail about the ten years since, because they don't matter, but I was far from God. I still BELIEVED in God, but I did not accept Him, and I did not live my life according to word of God. After my mother's suicide, all hope was lost. I completely gave up any belief, faith, or desire to be close to God. I know that my family has been praying for my return to life in Christ for years. And that leads us to this one day, 4 weeks ago.

For the past several months I have felt that something was missing in my life, but I hadn't been able to pinpoint what it was. On a whim, I decided to take up an offer from a couple of my friends' to attend their new church which they had been raving about for weeks. This church was Freedom Church. For whatever reason, I felt compelled to go. It may have been because I sensed I was coming up to a crossroads in my life, or I wanted my children to enjoy the same wholesome childhood memories I had. I have been to church with family or friends over the years, and yes it felt normal because that is what I was raised doing. From the moment we walked in the doors, this did not felt normal. It felt exhilarating. It felt right. I was dumbfounded by the hospitality they showed me and my children. Everyone we came in contact with showed genuine interest and desire to have us there. Everyone there went above and beyond the norms. I was intrigued before I even got to my seat and experienced the worship service and Pastor JR's sermon. The service itself has to be seen for yourself, there are just no words, but I was hooked. I left there a changed woman. I did not leave having accepted Christ, but I left a whole lot closer to doing so.

The next week I couldn't get there fast enough. I couldn't  experience enough worship. I couldn't get enough of the Pastor's sermon. I couldn't get enough of the word of God. I went home and spent I don't know how many hours contemplating my life and my place in this world. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed and then some. And then I wept. And I became increasingly aware that God led me here, to this church, on that one day, to meet these people, and begin my journey back to redemption.

If you know me, you know I am shy and can't stand putting myself in a social setting where I don't know anyone. But I remembered Pastor JR's words..."The right time, to do the right thing, is right now."

At that moment I went FAR outside myself and extended a hand to get involved.  I decided to go forward and never look back to question or doubt myself. Sure, I have made bad decisions. I have cast God aside and turned my back. But I couldn't ignore the magnetic draw I had to this Church and this vision. The past doesn't matter, all that matters is RIGHT now I was ready to do the RIGHT thing and that could not be ignored. So, I faced my fears and joined a small group of people I have never met, and I loved it. And I decided I needed to be a part of this church, for myself and for other people who have been where I was.

I am now a partner, and had the pleasure of attending the partner's party on my very first day of partnership. There was a guest pastor from NC who was there to speak to us about the importance of what we are doing and why we are doing it. He spoke of how many of us are living just another day, day in and day out. And he asked us to think of the person closest to us who was furthest from God, and to pray that one day they would accept Jesus Christ as their savior. Then he gave an example of a first time visitor to the church, and how she could have been someone's daughter or sister or friend that had been prayed for that one day, God would speak to her heart and spirit and transform her life. And that our every smile, handshake, and conversation could make this her one day. I felt like a finger was being pressed into my heart while I was listening to this because that was me just WEEKS before. I was brought to tears. I was someone's prayer and a prodigal daughter of God. I had been in and out of churches I never felt right in and around Christians I never felt comfortable with. But on that one day I walked into Freedom Church, I walked out a changed person. And that was God moving through each and every person at this Church who volunteers their time and lives to reaching people far from God.

I am overjoyed to say I am a part of that now, and I hope to play a part in giving someone else their one day that changes it all. Praise God.

I am still awake because..

I am so excited about the things God is doing in my life!

My mind. heart. soul. will not stop racing with anticipation and energy.

Just needed to share my exuberance with the world.

"Weave in faith and God will find the thread."