Learning Process

I think it is unfortunate that people think they have any place to look into my life and judge me for it. No matter what you 'see', you will never know the depths at which I live in. I have heard that people only show 10% of who they really are, I don't know how much truth there is to that because I have also heard that there is a statistic to prove anything. Nonetheless, I am certain it is true that people only show a portion of themselves. If you are not taking the time to probe me for the truth, and get behind my actions, motivations, and drive - who are you to speak on what I hold in my heart?

The path I have chosen to go down is not an easy one for anyone involved....including me. I can't just snap my fingers or open a Bible and make it all go away. I never claimed to be perfect - I never have, I never will. But if you aren't conversing with me about that which you choose to throw your opinions around about, then you'd never know. I have always been someone who puts on a smile and acts as if everything is all right. Only the people I am close and comfortable with will know when something is going on - unless you ask me. I am an honest person with true feelings, and they can be hurt even when it looks like they aren't.

This hurts....everyday. It is just as hard for me as it is for Joey. It took me a little bit longer to figure that out, but should I not have support when I am hurting too? We are taking the steps we are comfortable with that work best for us. We're not living together anymore, but I will always be his friend. That is NOT leading him on, I couldn't be any more honest with him, he knows exactly what I'm striving for and why I'm doing this. We are both at peace with it now and are just working together to get our family through this. At the end of the day we still have to be friendly to raise our kids and keep our family together.

Our kids are doing GREAT, they love having two houses and more one on one time with their parents. I really don't feel like they would have adjusted so well if we hadn't taken the steps necessary to keep it copacetic. Why does everyone seem to think that if we are not at war with one another than I am 'using him'. I'm not getting ANYTHING from him, I don't understand where this comes from.

 I am not a mean spirited person and I don't find it necessary to be heartless in order to go through a break up. I loved him once, in some sense I still do, and I am not going to destroy all of us to get my point across. He gets it! Really people, he gets it. This is all new to me - every bit of it. I am a new Christian, I am learning as I go! I wish that I could say I have done EVERYTHING right, but I haven't. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and try to go the way I feel called to go. Do I mess up? Absolutely. And so does everyone else.

 Isn't being peaceful, gentle, and patient what Christians are supposed to be? But I am 'leading him on' and 'using him' and 'having my cake and eating it too' when I try to embody these qualities. It is hurtful, because I am only trying to balance what is best for my relationship with God, my family's needs, and Joey's heart. It is not the easiest thing I have ever juggled. I'm doing my best. I fumble, and I get back up and try again. But I will never compromise myself or my values to appease everyone else.

My relationship with Joey and with God is MY relationship. Unless you are there every step of the way you really don't know what is going into this. I just wish people would come to me with their 'opinions' before they try to blast me or make assumptions. I am more than willing to talk about it. So for all my 'friends' who might be reading this - please, come to me if you have concerns. I am learning as I go and I am open to any suggestions people have to dealing with this situation as long as they are constructive and you take the time to know my heart first. I know what's going on in my life and the steps I need to take to get there, if you care about me then talk to me, if not...keep it to yourself.