If you couldn't tell from yesterday's post...it was not a good day for me! I try to look on the bright side of life everyday, but I could not get my focus off of what was going on. When someone you think was your friend comes up with all these cruel criticisms and presumptions about you, and then responds in an even more hostile manner when you try to work it out, it's hard to accept. I couldn't understand, I couldn't wrap my mind around it - I still can't. It is a hard pill to swallow. I obsessed about it all day, I didn't get anything accomplished, I wallowed in self pity and ranted all. day. long. I woke up this morning and it was still heavy in my heart. I have never felt so misunderstood and judged, and even worse than that I don't like to spend any amount of time in those negative feelings and actions....it is just not me.
Today, my best friend wrote me this, and it was all I needed to let go and move on:
"I have known you your ENTIRE life and I know what type of person you are. You are the most FAIR, understanding, helpful, trustworthy, fun, responsible person I have ever known. DO NOT allow one person - who has only known you a short time in your life to affect you with their small minded opinions."
It went on, but that was the important part. It was easy for me to feel that the attack was undeserved, and that she was in the wrong. It is hard for me to accept someone won't meet me halfway to work it out, when it took all I had not to react harshly. I let it drag me down and affect me deep into my core. It is even easier to forget who you are and WHY it is important not to listen to people who unleash negativity like this.
I know who I am...and I know who I am not. The people who matter, those who KNOW me and what I am about - would never say anything like what was said. And they certainly wouldn't go on the defense about it if we didn't see eye to eye. All I needed was a little encouragement to remind me of what my character really is, and that those that love me would never question that. Thank God for true friends who know me and love me, and never let me lose myself over insignificant naysayers.
8.28.2010
8.27.2010
Learning Process
I think it is unfortunate that people think they have any place to look into my life and judge me for it. No matter what you 'see', you will never know the depths at which I live in. I have heard that people only show 10% of who they really are, I don't know how much truth there is to that because I have also heard that there is a statistic to prove anything. Nonetheless, I am certain it is true that people only show a portion of themselves. If you are not taking the time to probe me for the truth, and get behind my actions, motivations, and drive - who are you to speak on what I hold in my heart?
The path I have chosen to go down is not an easy one for anyone involved....including me. I can't just snap my fingers or open a Bible and make it all go away. I never claimed to be perfect - I never have, I never will. But if you aren't conversing with me about that which you choose to throw your opinions around about, then you'd never know. I have always been someone who puts on a smile and acts as if everything is all right. Only the people I am close and comfortable with will know when something is going on - unless you ask me. I am an honest person with true feelings, and they can be hurt even when it looks like they aren't.
This hurts....everyday. It is just as hard for me as it is for Joey. It took me a little bit longer to figure that out, but should I not have support when I am hurting too? We are taking the steps we are comfortable with that work best for us. We're not living together anymore, but I will always be his friend. That is NOT leading him on, I couldn't be any more honest with him, he knows exactly what I'm striving for and why I'm doing this. We are both at peace with it now and are just working together to get our family through this. At the end of the day we still have to be friendly to raise our kids and keep our family together.
Our kids are doing GREAT, they love having two houses and more one on one time with their parents. I really don't feel like they would have adjusted so well if we hadn't taken the steps necessary to keep it copacetic. Why does everyone seem to think that if we are not at war with one another than I am 'using him'. I'm not getting ANYTHING from him, I don't understand where this comes from.
I am not a mean spirited person and I don't find it necessary to be heartless in order to go through a break up. I loved him once, in some sense I still do, and I am not going to destroy all of us to get my point across. He gets it! Really people, he gets it. This is all new to me - every bit of it. I am a new Christian, I am learning as I go! I wish that I could say I have done EVERYTHING right, but I haven't. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and try to go the way I feel called to go. Do I mess up? Absolutely. And so does everyone else.
Isn't being peaceful, gentle, and patient what Christians are supposed to be? But I am 'leading him on' and 'using him' and 'having my cake and eating it too' when I try to embody these qualities. It is hurtful, because I am only trying to balance what is best for my relationship with God, my family's needs, and Joey's heart. It is not the easiest thing I have ever juggled. I'm doing my best. I fumble, and I get back up and try again. But I will never compromise myself or my values to appease everyone else.
My relationship with Joey and with God is MY relationship. Unless you are there every step of the way you really don't know what is going into this. I just wish people would come to me with their 'opinions' before they try to blast me or make assumptions. I am more than willing to talk about it. So for all my 'friends' who might be reading this - please, come to me if you have concerns. I am learning as I go and I am open to any suggestions people have to dealing with this situation as long as they are constructive and you take the time to know my heart first. I know what's going on in my life and the steps I need to take to get there, if you care about me then talk to me, if not...keep it to yourself.
The path I have chosen to go down is not an easy one for anyone involved....including me. I can't just snap my fingers or open a Bible and make it all go away. I never claimed to be perfect - I never have, I never will. But if you aren't conversing with me about that which you choose to throw your opinions around about, then you'd never know. I have always been someone who puts on a smile and acts as if everything is all right. Only the people I am close and comfortable with will know when something is going on - unless you ask me. I am an honest person with true feelings, and they can be hurt even when it looks like they aren't.
This hurts....everyday. It is just as hard for me as it is for Joey. It took me a little bit longer to figure that out, but should I not have support when I am hurting too? We are taking the steps we are comfortable with that work best for us. We're not living together anymore, but I will always be his friend. That is NOT leading him on, I couldn't be any more honest with him, he knows exactly what I'm striving for and why I'm doing this. We are both at peace with it now and are just working together to get our family through this. At the end of the day we still have to be friendly to raise our kids and keep our family together.
Our kids are doing GREAT, they love having two houses and more one on one time with their parents. I really don't feel like they would have adjusted so well if we hadn't taken the steps necessary to keep it copacetic. Why does everyone seem to think that if we are not at war with one another than I am 'using him'. I'm not getting ANYTHING from him, I don't understand where this comes from.
I am not a mean spirited person and I don't find it necessary to be heartless in order to go through a break up. I loved him once, in some sense I still do, and I am not going to destroy all of us to get my point across. He gets it! Really people, he gets it. This is all new to me - every bit of it. I am a new Christian, I am learning as I go! I wish that I could say I have done EVERYTHING right, but I haven't. I just have to keep one foot in front of the other and try to go the way I feel called to go. Do I mess up? Absolutely. And so does everyone else.
Isn't being peaceful, gentle, and patient what Christians are supposed to be? But I am 'leading him on' and 'using him' and 'having my cake and eating it too' when I try to embody these qualities. It is hurtful, because I am only trying to balance what is best for my relationship with God, my family's needs, and Joey's heart. It is not the easiest thing I have ever juggled. I'm doing my best. I fumble, and I get back up and try again. But I will never compromise myself or my values to appease everyone else.
My relationship with Joey and with God is MY relationship. Unless you are there every step of the way you really don't know what is going into this. I just wish people would come to me with their 'opinions' before they try to blast me or make assumptions. I am more than willing to talk about it. So for all my 'friends' who might be reading this - please, come to me if you have concerns. I am learning as I go and I am open to any suggestions people have to dealing with this situation as long as they are constructive and you take the time to know my heart first. I know what's going on in my life and the steps I need to take to get there, if you care about me then talk to me, if not...keep it to yourself.
8.25.2010
Revelations
I don't know about everyone else, but I am just in awe of the way God can reveal things to you. I have been sitting here for the past week struggling with the idea of being alone, and not coming to realize it is exactly what I have needed. It is something I have prayed for, but not fully understanding the opportunity knocking at my door.
I was hit with the realization, that YES this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever put upon myself. YES I wanted changed and I really did realize that it would be hard. I did not however realize the power of change, or even more so, the power of my God who enables this change to happen in my life.
Without even trying, the realization of what God is doing in my life washed over me. I think God reveals things in pieces, because only so much can be handled, or in my case, comprehended. I couldn't have realized that not only would being alone be the RIGHT thing for me, but that it was much more than that. It is exactly what I needed at this time in my life.
I have always had the support of other people; my parents, joey, my best friend, ect. Now, it is really up to me to see what I am made of. I know I cannot be the only mother in the world who doubts myself. We are all constantly struggling with making the right choices for our children. Are we saying or doing the wrong things? Am I interacting with them enough? Am I allowing them to be to reliant? Am I giving them all I have? Reading books and magazines, talking 'game' with other moms, comparing ourselves and our kids to everyone else. I am so guilty! After all, children are a product of their parents. Who do I want my kids to be?
So I am presented with an opportunity to not just be obedient to what God wants to do in my life, but to come to know myself. For the first time I can really be me, and implement exactly what I want in my children's lives - just the way I see fit. I am so self sufficient and independent, I hate asking for help with anything. I think this experience will really teach me to trust God, and to lean on Him when I have no one else to lean on. And through that, I can trust myself.
So, this is me...yielding to the spirit. I'm just along for the ride...
I was hit with the realization, that YES this is one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever put upon myself. YES I wanted changed and I really did realize that it would be hard. I did not however realize the power of change, or even more so, the power of my God who enables this change to happen in my life.
Without even trying, the realization of what God is doing in my life washed over me. I think God reveals things in pieces, because only so much can be handled, or in my case, comprehended. I couldn't have realized that not only would being alone be the RIGHT thing for me, but that it was much more than that. It is exactly what I needed at this time in my life.
I have always had the support of other people; my parents, joey, my best friend, ect. Now, it is really up to me to see what I am made of. I know I cannot be the only mother in the world who doubts myself. We are all constantly struggling with making the right choices for our children. Are we saying or doing the wrong things? Am I interacting with them enough? Am I allowing them to be to reliant? Am I giving them all I have? Reading books and magazines, talking 'game' with other moms, comparing ourselves and our kids to everyone else. I am so guilty! After all, children are a product of their parents. Who do I want my kids to be?
So I am presented with an opportunity to not just be obedient to what God wants to do in my life, but to come to know myself. For the first time I can really be me, and implement exactly what I want in my children's lives - just the way I see fit. I am so self sufficient and independent, I hate asking for help with anything. I think this experience will really teach me to trust God, and to lean on Him when I have no one else to lean on. And through that, I can trust myself.
So, this is me...yielding to the spirit. I'm just along for the ride...
It's not even 1
but you can go ahead and stick a fork in me....I am DONE!
(DISCLAIMER: Major ventage post!)
I went to bed early last night so I could get some assignments and cleaning accomplished early this morning. Then the school's website was down. Fail! I did a little laundry and kitchen cleaning, and relaxed until my Joseph Jay woke up.
..and then..I found the saboteur!
A little notice in the mail from my school notifying me I owe almost $2,000 in tuition and fees(some of which were wrongfully charged). It also states if this balance is not paid in full, not only can I not continue at South University, but I will also not be able to get my transcripts. Not cool.
It is starting to become clear why my account has been reflecting no sort of financial aid. I am NOT sure if this is why my financial aid adviser has not been returning any phone calls and emails from the past 2 weeks, but it is suspicious. I already KNEW there was a problem b/c what was previously showing as my pending financial aid disappeared from my account right before it was supposed to be applied. I have been trying to get in touch with my supposed adviser for 2 weeks now with no luck. Then, this happened.
At this point, I emailed my student adviser, my OLD financial aid adviser who advised me this would NOT occur and that all was on track, and my 'new' financial aid adviser who has yet to prove her existence. Am I surprised I have not received an email or a phone call? ...I am sure you would not be surprised to hear me say NO! I WILL go over their heads as soon as the website is back up and I can find the information and contacts I need.
If they don't fix this problem, I will also leave this school. I don't care if it costs me the full $2000 to leave, if I have to pay it I am certainly not paying them one more penny after the fact for royally screwing me. At least I have learned to get ALL things in writing. I am almost convinced to not even speak to anyone over the phone at this point b/c I want everything documented.
In order to get my mind off of this situation that is basically out of my hands until someone decides to respond to me, I took up the cleaning again. Got a little vacuuming done, and decided to move the furniture. I've been wanting to change it up for awhile, and now that I have no one here to disagree with the placement of furniture it was TIME!
I like the set up, but I discovered there was much more vacuuming to be done - and then....
*dun dun dun*
...the vacuum broke. Epic fail.
To make matters worse...then my son proceeded to spill an entirely full bottle of lotion all over the dirty carpet I can't clean.
This has brought us to the present...and this is why I am DONE! I have declared it time to refocus and regroup. I am diving head on into a book for Momentum b/c it is incredibly uplifting and I am not wasting another minute of this day wallowing in negativity. So, I am done, but I am moving on as well!
Here's to better days..
8.24.2010
The Waci Wars
I am trying gear Joey up for the big "waci" removal. I've been taking it away when we are at home, and he only gets it during naps, night time, and outings. He has gotten pretty good about trading his paci out each morning for a sippy cup without a fight.
I have been trying to be more consistent about this, and once I do take it away I NEVER give it back unless we are about to face the 3 exceptions above. The problem is remembering to do it as soon as he gets up in the morning. If I delay even twenty minutes, it makes for a war of wills ALL DAY LONG.
Today he decided to sleep in so I took my advantage of my rare time slot of silence and was getting some cleaning done. When he woke up I was right in the middle of my cleaning spree, so I brought him out and let him keep his paci until I could get him some breakfast ready. BIG MISTAKE! After breakfast came bath time and at this time I took away his paci. He got very mad for a minute, but I calmed him down with a little talk. This is how it went;
Mommy: "Joey, you don't need that waci because you're a big boy now! Waci's are for little babies and you are growing up."
Joey: "Yeah...babies!"
Mommy: "Soon we are going to give all your waci's to another baby for them to use."
Joey: "Okay mama, babies!"
Mommy: "So are you a big boy or a baby?"
Joey: "I BABY! WAAAAAACCCCIIIII!!!!!!!!"
More indecipherable wailing ensued, which went to prove his point that he is very much a baby...at least in his eyes!(Okay and mine but we are both tryingto grow, right? RIGHT?!) Boy, did he have me fooled!
..and the waci fights to see another day.
I have been trying to be more consistent about this, and once I do take it away I NEVER give it back unless we are about to face the 3 exceptions above. The problem is remembering to do it as soon as he gets up in the morning. If I delay even twenty minutes, it makes for a war of wills ALL DAY LONG.
Today he decided to sleep in so I took my advantage of my rare time slot of silence and was getting some cleaning done. When he woke up I was right in the middle of my cleaning spree, so I brought him out and let him keep his paci until I could get him some breakfast ready. BIG MISTAKE! After breakfast came bath time and at this time I took away his paci. He got very mad for a minute, but I calmed him down with a little talk. This is how it went;
Mommy: "Joey, you don't need that waci because you're a big boy now! Waci's are for little babies and you are growing up."
Joey: "Yeah...babies!"
Mommy: "Soon we are going to give all your waci's to another baby for them to use."
Joey: "Okay mama, babies!"
Mommy: "So are you a big boy or a baby?"
Joey: "I BABY! WAAAAAACCCCIIIII!!!!!!!!"
More indecipherable wailing ensued, which went to prove his point that he is very much a baby...at least in his eyes!(Okay and mine but we are both tryingto grow, right? RIGHT?!) Boy, did he have me fooled!
..and the waci fights to see another day.
8.18.2010
Today Marks a New Beginning
This has been a long time coming, and up until this point I have been at excited for what may come from the changes I am making in my life. Today, I am just petrified. I woke up fearful with a heavy heart and nothing seems to make it subside.
Today is the day that Joey moves out and I start a new direction in life being a single mom. We broke up about 2 months ago, but he has been here trying to find a place to stay and getting prepared to move. At times it has been awkward and emotional , and at others it has been comforting to have him around. As much as we butt heads he is my immediate source of support. We may have faced our issues but he is someone who I will always care for.
I am certain we will both be better off after everything is said and done because my Father in heaven has promised to provide for me when I am in obedience to his word. That has driven me through this emotional roller coaster because I KNOW there is a happy ending. That doesn't stop be from being scared out of my mind to turn the page into this new chapter of my life.
Today marks a new beginning - one that I know I am capable of doing. I am familiar with this, and I am also familiar with how difficult it can be at times. However, my life at 20 was completely different than it is now. At 20 I had only one child, the help of both of my parents, and a career on which to support myself.
At age 24, I have my own 2 children and a little girl who I am very much still involved with - so 3! No job and no immediate plans to have one because I am trying to concentrate on family and school. Thank goodness for my dad stepping in and giving me some financial support until I am done with school. The part that scares me the most is living on my own - I have NEVER lived without my mom or dad, or Joey. But this time I am on my own....
ON MY OWN! I have never had so much on my plate and I am thankful and blessed to have received the opportunities I have. I am confident I can handle whatever is coming my way - it is just frightening because I don't know what that may be! I am sure that I will be stretched thin, challenged, and moved beyond my wildest dreams - which is ultimately what I want.
I have been praying for God to open my heart and mind to a life I never dreamed possible for myself. I am sure this is my opportunity to see what I am made of, and find some things out about myself I never knew were within me. When I look at it from that perspective it takes the concern I've had out of the equation and gives me a sense of peace and excitement.
PS...I feel much better now. Sometimes all I need is prayer and an outlet for what I have been internalizing. Journaling/blogging rocks my world.
Today is the day that Joey moves out and I start a new direction in life being a single mom. We broke up about 2 months ago, but he has been here trying to find a place to stay and getting prepared to move. At times it has been awkward and emotional , and at others it has been comforting to have him around. As much as we butt heads he is my immediate source of support. We may have faced our issues but he is someone who I will always care for.
I am certain we will both be better off after everything is said and done because my Father in heaven has promised to provide for me when I am in obedience to his word. That has driven me through this emotional roller coaster because I KNOW there is a happy ending. That doesn't stop be from being scared out of my mind to turn the page into this new chapter of my life.
Today marks a new beginning - one that I know I am capable of doing. I am familiar with this, and I am also familiar with how difficult it can be at times. However, my life at 20 was completely different than it is now. At 20 I had only one child, the help of both of my parents, and a career on which to support myself.
At age 24, I have my own 2 children and a little girl who I am very much still involved with - so 3! No job and no immediate plans to have one because I am trying to concentrate on family and school. Thank goodness for my dad stepping in and giving me some financial support until I am done with school. The part that scares me the most is living on my own - I have NEVER lived without my mom or dad, or Joey. But this time I am on my own....
ON MY OWN! I have never had so much on my plate and I am thankful and blessed to have received the opportunities I have. I am confident I can handle whatever is coming my way - it is just frightening because I don't know what that may be! I am sure that I will be stretched thin, challenged, and moved beyond my wildest dreams - which is ultimately what I want.
I have been praying for God to open my heart and mind to a life I never dreamed possible for myself. I am sure this is my opportunity to see what I am made of, and find some things out about myself I never knew were within me. When I look at it from that perspective it takes the concern I've had out of the equation and gives me a sense of peace and excitement.
PS...I feel much better now. Sometimes all I need is prayer and an outlet for what I have been internalizing. Journaling/blogging rocks my world.
8.11.2010
Sweeping Underneath the Rug
If you know me at all, you know I am a pretty laid back go with the flow type of person. I embrace change(really!) and try to take things with a grain of salt. I don't like to sweat the small stuff - it's no way to live and only encourages negativity. I am not a person who can handle an abundance of negative thoughts and feelings because they will drag me
D
O
W
N.
Therefore, I do not let things that don't matter in the long run get to me. I prefer to concentrate on the bright side of life - I've lived in the dark side, I don't need reminders of what lurks in those murky corners of my mind. I try to always look for a positive in any situation and firmly believe one can always be found. If there remains no positive side - it's right around the corner. Life is what you make it..and I make mine worthwhile.
Unfortunately, the tendency to look for the good and ignore the bad, at times means I look over things that do matter and need to be dealt with. I try to brush off things that do bother me down to my core, and tell myself it is not worthwhile to dwell on it. Most of the time it isn't, but there are times when sweeping things under the rug is not beneficial to anyone involved because nothing is being resolved.
Another little tidbit about myself; I can't stand confrontation! I would rather just keep issues to myself and deal with it internally than to come to a point of confrontation with someone. It is uncomfortable, undesirable, but sometimes needed. This week I confronted a situation that has hardened my heart to someone I love for years, perhaps my entire life.
I realized life is too precious and too short to just let those who matter to you trespass against you and never say anything. It is a great possibility they never realized the effect of their actions, and if you don't at least try to save that relationship - you never know. I couldn't live with that regret when their was a possibility of fixing something that had been broken.
So, I spoke my heart. I was completely honest and direct even though it was terrifying. And guess what? The person on the other end was more than receptive to what I had to say. I have no doubt in my mind things will improve exponentially and I will have another shot at building a strong relationship with a loved one.
I am committing myself to facing my problems and not pretending like they aren't there. I pray that I can continue to assert myself in a positive way when it is needed for the improvement of my life or someone else's. Fear of consequence when change is needed does nothing but squander relationships. Sometimes all it takes is a sincere heart. Resolve your issues with one another - it is the only way to love whole heartedly.
8.05.2010
Saying our goodbye's to summer
Because it's the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! The girls weren't too keen on the thought until Sneak - a - Peek, and then they both got EXCITED!
We got prepared by cleaning out closets and drawers, and of course I cannot forget back to school shopping which is my favorite part! Probably their's too, because who likes cleaning to get ready for school? At least I reward for good works!
After an entire summer with close to no schedule - I pulled it off in a day! I got them up early, wore them out and they were fed, bathed, and in the bed by 8:30. That is immensely better than last year and they both woke up like little jack in the boxes and started their day. We will DEFINITELY be keeping bed time this year!
I took them to school and practically had to CHASE Skylar to her classroom because she was so excited. It kind of makes me sad to have them gone but I am really happy she took going back to school so well. Nothing hurts a mama's heart more than her baby crying because they want you!
All in all, I think things will be just fine! I have a little empty nest syndrome as of now, but I know me and baby man will get used to it and might even have some fun along the way! We are hoping for a happy, successful, busy year full of learning and friendships!
We got prepared by cleaning out closets and drawers, and of course I cannot forget back to school shopping which is my favorite part! Probably their's too, because who likes cleaning to get ready for school? At least I reward for good works!
After an entire summer with close to no schedule - I pulled it off in a day! I got them up early, wore them out and they were fed, bathed, and in the bed by 8:30. That is immensely better than last year and they both woke up like little jack in the boxes and started their day. We will DEFINITELY be keeping bed time this year!
I took them to school and practically had to CHASE Skylar to her classroom because she was so excited. It kind of makes me sad to have them gone but I am really happy she took going back to school so well. Nothing hurts a mama's heart more than her baby crying because they want you!
All in all, I think things will be just fine! I have a little empty nest syndrome as of now, but I know me and baby man will get used to it and might even have some fun along the way! We are hoping for a happy, successful, busy year full of learning and friendships!
8.03.2010
Meaningful to ME.
Tattoos.
Yep, I have 'em.
..and no...
I do not care if you like them or approve of them.
I will admit that my first tattoo was a mistake - it meant nothing to me I just wanted it to say I had one. It turned out awful and it is a constant reminder never to get a tattoo that doesn't mean anything to you.
Since then - I haven't.
I have started a piece on my leg of one of my favorite artists Amy Brown. My mom and I have always loved her - she got me something Amy Brown EVERY year for Christmas. It is just us. She got her favorite fairy drawing tattooed on her leg and it has always been something I wanted to mimic ever since she died. It is VERY meaningful to me because it reminds me of our happy times together, our similarities, and has come to symbolize her in heaven looking down on me. When it is completed - I will have added a fairy that symbolizes ME and will work them in together. I will NEVER regret that.
My other two are also very close to my heart. I got 'love' tattooed on my wrist with my friend Jenny on TWLOHA day(To Write Love on Her Arms) which is an organization for suicide, self mutilation, and depression. OBVIOUSLY very close to my heart - it will always remind me of my mom and anyone else who suffers from depression - because I got it ON TWLOHA day specifically in remembrance and support of those who do live with such painful disorders. The most recent one is 'faith' on my wrist. Not only does it symbolize my walk with Christ, my transformation as a person - but it is also my daughter's middle name. I HATE name tattoos - I will never get one, but this holds double meaning for me.
No matter what anyone says, thinks, or 'sees' in me because of these tattoos, I am comfortable in my decision to have gotten them. Save the criticisms for yourself - open your mind and practice what you preach. We are all created equal in the eyes of God - He loves me AS IS and part of ME is how I choose to express myself. Instead of criticizing me for having one in the first place - ask me what it means to means.
Ask me what memories it keeps bright in my mind - ask me if I don't DESPERATELY need something to remind me of good times with someone that I loved dearly ...in which I struggle daily to remember in a positive light. Tell me that I shouldn't change anything God gave me and I'll ask you why you don't question people who dye their hair, pierce their ears, or WEAR CLOTHING for that matter.
I don't like being criticized for having tattoos - I guess that comes with the territory. At least I know that it means something to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone says to me. My tattoos bring me cherished memories and daily awareness of the things closest to my heart...that is something no one can take away!
Yep, I have 'em.
..and no...
I do not care if you like them or approve of them.
I will admit that my first tattoo was a mistake - it meant nothing to me I just wanted it to say I had one. It turned out awful and it is a constant reminder never to get a tattoo that doesn't mean anything to you.
Since then - I haven't.
I have started a piece on my leg of one of my favorite artists Amy Brown. My mom and I have always loved her - she got me something Amy Brown EVERY year for Christmas. It is just us. She got her favorite fairy drawing tattooed on her leg and it has always been something I wanted to mimic ever since she died. It is VERY meaningful to me because it reminds me of our happy times together, our similarities, and has come to symbolize her in heaven looking down on me. When it is completed - I will have added a fairy that symbolizes ME and will work them in together. I will NEVER regret that.
My other two are also very close to my heart. I got 'love' tattooed on my wrist with my friend Jenny on TWLOHA day(To Write Love on Her Arms) which is an organization for suicide, self mutilation, and depression. OBVIOUSLY very close to my heart - it will always remind me of my mom and anyone else who suffers from depression - because I got it ON TWLOHA day specifically in remembrance and support of those who do live with such painful disorders. The most recent one is 'faith' on my wrist. Not only does it symbolize my walk with Christ, my transformation as a person - but it is also my daughter's middle name. I HATE name tattoos - I will never get one, but this holds double meaning for me.
No matter what anyone says, thinks, or 'sees' in me because of these tattoos, I am comfortable in my decision to have gotten them. Save the criticisms for yourself - open your mind and practice what you preach. We are all created equal in the eyes of God - He loves me AS IS and part of ME is how I choose to express myself. Instead of criticizing me for having one in the first place - ask me what it means to means.
Ask me what memories it keeps bright in my mind - ask me if I don't DESPERATELY need something to remind me of good times with someone that I loved dearly ...in which I struggle daily to remember in a positive light. Tell me that I shouldn't change anything God gave me and I'll ask you why you don't question people who dye their hair, pierce their ears, or WEAR CLOTHING for that matter.
I don't like being criticized for having tattoos - I guess that comes with the territory. At least I know that it means something to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone says to me. My tattoos bring me cherished memories and daily awareness of the things closest to my heart...that is something no one can take away!
8.02.2010
When I am committed - I am capable!
It is sometimes hard to really look into yourself and see the good. And I don't mean that in a self loathing type of way, just that you just don't always recognize the character inside yourself because it is just you. Well, today I had a light bulb moment. I couldn't put this any more plainly than saying; I honestly like myself. I have never lacked confidence in my own abilities - and I trust in who I am.
I have always believed anything can be accomplished where desire is had. I have never met a challenge I couldn't face head on. I truly believe anything can be worked out with patience, understanding, and diligent effort. Sometimes creativity and change are a must; one must be willing to roll with the punches, so to speak. One roadblock doesn't mean there isn't an alternate route just around the next corner. If you stop and retreat at the first one - you never come to a solution and there is never a breakthrough.
Because of this I feel that I have been able to meet whatever expectation is put upon me. I like to think I have excelled at most everything that I have ever put my mind to. That is not to say I have not seen failure - but I know that with my failures there was a failure to commit on my behalf. When I am committed I am capable. I don't live my life by doing anything I am not committed to which ensures success. Anyone who tries wholeheartedly can never fail...the only failure is not trying.
Even saying this out loud sounds arrogant, because having confidence in oneself is much different from being cocky - and it is a fine line. But I feel like my own understanding of what I can handle, can do nothing but propel me forward - ultimately benefiting whatever I am channeling my energy into. I believe if I use this can do/will do attitude to serve God's calling will lead me to truly make a difference.
I've been asking God what my next step was in Freedom Church. How can I a stay at home-now single with no income momma, be generous and support my church. The answer I have received time and time again is keep experimenting. Keep joining, keep connecting, keep on keeping on. I have no super talents that stand out or lead me one direction over another - but I do have the utmost confidence in myself to do anything asked of me.
Perhaps my calling to try it all out is because I know that I can do it - whatever His will, it will be done. For the past couple of months I have felt called to experiment in different ministries, to find where my niche is. I haven't felt called to one particular thing but to try every opportunity I am capable of. For some, this may seem like a very obtuse calling, but for me it makes sense. I believe wholeheartedly that I am capable of anything - it is just a matter of do I love it or do I not.
I love God and I love my church. I feel God led me to recognize this quality about myself at this time in my life for a reason. I have always been able to understand, manage, and excel in school or my job - but I didn't have the level of commitment I now have in my life that made me feel I could do anything. It is something he instilled in me for this very season of my life. I am thankful that in a world ridden with doubt and second guesses - that God has blessed me with this little chunk of the self realization. Consequentially enough - my pastor posted this message on his blog today AS I was writing this and considering whether I would post it or not. We are in a season where we are being challenged to step up and into our calling. I can't wait to see how it will be used for the glory of God and the good of others.
I have always believed anything can be accomplished where desire is had. I have never met a challenge I couldn't face head on. I truly believe anything can be worked out with patience, understanding, and diligent effort. Sometimes creativity and change are a must; one must be willing to roll with the punches, so to speak. One roadblock doesn't mean there isn't an alternate route just around the next corner. If you stop and retreat at the first one - you never come to a solution and there is never a breakthrough.
Because of this I feel that I have been able to meet whatever expectation is put upon me. I like to think I have excelled at most everything that I have ever put my mind to. That is not to say I have not seen failure - but I know that with my failures there was a failure to commit on my behalf. When I am committed I am capable. I don't live my life by doing anything I am not committed to which ensures success. Anyone who tries wholeheartedly can never fail...the only failure is not trying.
Even saying this out loud sounds arrogant, because having confidence in oneself is much different from being cocky - and it is a fine line. But I feel like my own understanding of what I can handle, can do nothing but propel me forward - ultimately benefiting whatever I am channeling my energy into. I believe if I use this can do/will do attitude to serve God's calling will lead me to truly make a difference.
I've been asking God what my next step was in Freedom Church. How can I a stay at home-now single with no income momma, be generous and support my church. The answer I have received time and time again is keep experimenting. Keep joining, keep connecting, keep on keeping on. I have no super talents that stand out or lead me one direction over another - but I do have the utmost confidence in myself to do anything asked of me.
Perhaps my calling to try it all out is because I know that I can do it - whatever His will, it will be done. For the past couple of months I have felt called to experiment in different ministries, to find where my niche is. I haven't felt called to one particular thing but to try every opportunity I am capable of. For some, this may seem like a very obtuse calling, but for me it makes sense. I believe wholeheartedly that I am capable of anything - it is just a matter of do I love it or do I not.
I love God and I love my church. I feel God led me to recognize this quality about myself at this time in my life for a reason. I have always been able to understand, manage, and excel in school or my job - but I didn't have the level of commitment I now have in my life that made me feel I could do anything. It is something he instilled in me for this very season of my life. I am thankful that in a world ridden with doubt and second guesses - that God has blessed me with this little chunk of the self realization. Consequentially enough - my pastor posted this message on his blog today AS I was writing this and considering whether I would post it or not. We are in a season where we are being challenged to step up and into our calling. I can't wait to see how it will be used for the glory of God and the good of others.
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