Ah, life..you never cease to surprise me. Rattle my cages. Put a fire in my heart. If I was ever going to do it, NOW is when I get back into writing...really writing.

Life is a tumultuous, roller coaster of an ordeal. One second, you are climbing that mountain, inch-by-inch, bracing with anticipation for the wild ride. Until you find yourself falling, flying, fast tracking it toward a destination unknown. Your surroundings, your life, just a blur as you whiz by. Sometimes fearfully, other times full of that childish zeal for life..complete and unfounded joy. Sometimes both.

I am on that roller coaster, experiencing that indescribable energy of fear, excitement, and giddiness all balled into a knot in my stomach that propels me forward. Even on my worst days, I am blessed beyond measure.

When I have no time to breathe, that is exactly when I want to stop, take a moment to let it all settle in, and just be still. To revel in my children's puffy eyed, wild haired, cuddles in the morning. The sounds of mischievous giggles in the dark. My life is beautiful, and I cherish it. I want to remember these times forever.

I want to find the good in all this crazy, hectic, frenzy-ish life has to offer. My heart is just filled to the brim right now with gratitude, expectancy, inspiration! I'm writing it down to remember, so I can look back and see where I've been and what everything meant to me. Before it's just a fleeting moment I passed on my way between the mountains and valleys.

God, you are so good.

Leading Ladies

 I felt the calling to start a women's small group at Freedom with my friend Teresa. Up until last night, I was wondering whether or not I was just nuts. Those feelings of doubt and insecurity crept in, and left me feeling completely inadequate to move forward. Was I spiritual enough for this? Can I lead people who are further in their walk than I am? Do I have it in me to be as transparent enough to lead a discussion full of real life issues women face daily?

I still don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know this, it really doesn't matter what I think, or question for that matter. I don't even have the right to question! God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. How profound! I don't have to work for it. I don't have to reach this particular milestone I have set out for myself before moving forward. I can just rest in knowing my God in heaven has called me to do this, and that means I'm ready, whether I think so or not.

And although I was feeling inadequate, that could never supersede the feelings of excitement and gratitude I had by being given the chance to do this. I have an incredible woman of God to lean on, and I could not be more excited to do this with her. The ladies in our group are incredible, and I am so BLESSED to call them my friends. We had a great discussion! There were laughs, there were cries, but most importantly, there was the chance to love others, and love Jesus, and that's exactly what we did. God showed up and showed off last night! Can't wait until next week so He can do it again!

She Surfaces!

Oh blogger, how I've missed you! More so than that, I have missed down time. Life can just be hectic and too busy sometimes. I like a controlled chaos...I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have a purpose or something to do with my time. But then there are those moments, or collection of moments, when it seems like every purpose you have falls onto the to-do list at once.

• Relay for Life
• Cheerleading
• Room Mom (may I add, the only class in the entire school with only 1 room rep...YOURS TRULY!)
• Birthdays of my dad, Skylar, Joseph Jay, and myself...all in 1 month!
• School
• Transitioning into Double A
• 2 cars in/out of the shop
• Launching an online store

and then when you add in running a household and all that comes with it, 2 kids that need more of me than any of the rest of that combined, and 3 dogs who think they run the show...it gets a little hectic.

That's what I am submerging from right now, that's insanity. I am glad I am a get and go kind of person. I can really shoulder a lot, but I know I cannot do that to myself again. Come to think of it, at this very moment, I am sitting on the couch in silence for the first time in weeks. I realize that's not a good thing, but I do feel accomplished, and I am appreciating this little sliver in time much more so than I usually would have.

I'm a to-do list person. I probably make lists every day of my life. Literally, my heart smiles when I look at a completely checked off list at the end of the day. Simple pleasures! Or eccentricities, depending on how you choose to look at it. Either way, life is happier when you have some of it to yourself. I am definitely guilty of letting busyness replace reflection. It was something that had to be done to make it through this season, but now it's time to breathe.

So blogger, I have resolved myself to making sure I mark 'me time' on that daily to-do list. Not only is it important for my general well-being, it's time well spent because it enables me to give more of myself to the people who give so much of themselves to me. I must make time to restore myself, so tonight I'm going to edit some pictures, catch up the blog, and have some quiet time with the restorer Himself.

Skylar Faith turns 7!

This girl turns 7 today. She's not so little anymore! 

I do realize, that in 10 years, I'm sure that I will be looking back at THIS picture, saying the same thing.

No, she's not a baby anymore, but there is much more growing up left to do, and plenty of little girl still left within to nurture and love on. The realization flooded over me at just the right time... I crept into her room at 11:59pm. One minute until the clock struck midnight, August 19th, the day my Skylar Faith came into this world. I kissed the remnant of what once was a plump, full, rosy baby cheek, for the very last moment that I could still kiss it on 6 year old girl. Brushed her hair back, checked the clock again, and then kissed a seven year old. 

She was fast asleep, but I needed that moment with her, just as it was. I will probably never forget, I hope I don't. I hope that I continue to marvel at who she is as a person - every year, and every day. God really did bless me with an incredible child. She is so kind-hearted, loyal, patient and forgiving. 

She loves with this fullness I only wish I could tap into, it is so innocent and true. It could only come from a child, and I've really never seen anything much like it. She doesn't keep score yet. She just loves..she's going to be beautiful inside and out, and I can't wait to see how her natural born characteristics begin to develop with time. I just know she's going to make a difference in the lives of others in a big way....she already has in my own.

It is such an honor to be the mom of this girl. Time really goes by before your eyes. I can hardly remember life without her. Who am I kidding? There was no life before this girl! I was just a baby myself when I had her, and we've both grown together in these past seven years. She taught me what true, unconditional love is...that sacrifice is nothing without someone to sacrifice for. I can honestly say I'm a better person for having this girl in my life. I can only hope that she will say the same of me someday. Until then, I'm going to celebrate her life, help her prepare for her future, and keep kissing those cheeks as long as she'll let me.

Walking out of the Darkness

When I lost my mom four years ago to addiction and suicide, I vowed to myself that I would do whatever it took to help whoever I can in the future. Survivors of suicide often struggle with feelings of guilt or project fault onto themselves for the loss of their loved ones. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have "what if" moments, but I promised myself that instead of letting guilt take over, that I wanted to pay it forward.

 I knew that in order to help others, the thought of what I've been through couldn't tear me apart. I am now ready. It has taken me awhile to come to a place of strength and peace in this situation, but I am finally there. I have my days, it will always hurt, but I want nothing more than to move forward and use my experiences to reach others in a positive way.

To start off this exciting step in my healing, I am participating in a walk called 'Out of the Darkness' that helps to fund the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I am so excited to help raise awareness about depression, mental health, and suicide. Most importantly, this is THE FIRST positive step I have taken in honoring my mom's memory and the beautiful life she lived before a tragic end.

I hope that through the steps I am taking, I can help shed a positive light on the people who do suffer from these type of illness. Nobody has to live in darkness, and I want to help bring out happiness on the other side of life. Hopefully in the process, I can begin to remember the light in my life that was my mom, for who she was before she left this memory in my heart. It's hard to get past, but I am on my way.

All in honor of you mama, I promise I'll never forget our times together.

Your memory will always be precious to me.

Part 2: Weight Loss - Mind, Heart, and Body

(You can see Part 1 here)

One of the biggest things I have learned is that you have to be healthy mentally before you can ever pursue getting healthy physically. I have had too many failed attempts at dieting to give up that easily this time around, so after making my initial decision to devote myself to weight loss, I gave myself about a month to prepare my mind. I spent a lot of time reflecting on what had gotten me here, and where I wanted to be by the end of it. I prayed, meditated, and spent time talking to trusted loved ones.

I feel like that time with myself was a very necessary part of my success thus far. I spent so much time running away from the reality I was facing, I really needed to connect what I was running from, to what I am now running toward. It was key, and valuable time spent. I'd do it again if I had the chance, and I recommend a similar approach to anyone about to undertake a drastic life change. Prepare your mind and heart, and your body will follow - it has no choice!

That's the approach I took too, I gave my body no choice but to follow the path I designated. It's all in the mind, and if you are controlling yourself, you will see nothing but success. Because I knew I was devoted to this process, no matter what it took, I was going to stay on course. I got on track immediately by establishing a diet and exercise plan, and sticking to it no matter what I felt like. I couldn't believe how fast the weight began to drop off once I got serious about doing the work. In the very first week alone I lost 15 lbs, and within 3 months I had hit 50lbs in weight loss. 

I counted every calorie and weighed every serving out. If I was unsure (like at a restaurant) I split the portion in half and took it home for another meal. I've always been a pretty healthy eater, I love vegetables, seafood, lean meats, and fresh/organic produce. What I learned through this process is I also love carbs and sauces, and didn't know how to put a healthy limitation on myself. By being calorie obsessed in the beginning, I am now much more conscious of what I put into my body. 

I also learned that I have a love/hate relationship with working out. I HATE it during, but afterward the feeling of triumph I get cannot be rivaled. I keep my eye on the prize at all times, and I won't settle for anything less than what I envision for myself. When I want to give up, I see myself as a healthy woman with no limitations, living a long life. It's always enough to keep me going. And if it's not, I yell, grunt, pray, cry, sing, and sometimes even curse to make it through. Often I do all of the above, and I am quite thankful I have an elliptical in my own house for this very reason, who wants to make a fool of themselves in public? Not I, but I don't have to. :)

When the numbers on the scale reflect the hard work I've put in, it's all worth it - every droplet of blood, sweat, and tears.  I have hit plenty of roadblocks, but I've never let them defeat me. Life happens, but it won't stop me. I'm a single mom and a full time student. Running a household and making time for myself in the mean time is nearly impossible. NEARLY, being the key word. I have to work out, even if 20 minutes is all my day allows, that's what I'll do. If it means I'm doing yoga with a 2 year old monkey man between my legs, that's what I'll do. If my success and my family's well-being means I have to fight with my kids to eat a new recipe that doesn't involve chicken nuggets or macaroni, that's what I'll do. No excuses for any reason.

I've faced 2 injuries in the midst of this, one of which barred me from my goal of completing the Peachtree Road Race. It was a heartbreaking moment for me to hear from my doctor that my rehabilitation was not going to allow the training necessary, and when the day itself came, it was bittersweet. All I could do was focus on my health and ultimate long term goals. I know that I will be well prepared to be their next year, and that's okay. As long as I am making strides daily toward a healthy life, I am satisfied with that. I won't give up on myself, I am the only person who can make this happen.

I've learned through this process, it is all about sacrifice, which is never a bad thing when done for the right reasons. Most of all, I've learned that what I THOUGHT would be a sacrifice, has turned out to be a blessing. I have gained more confidence and self-esteem than I ever knew my soul could contain. Today, I can look at myself in the mirror and love myself for who I am, flawed and all. I now fully know the depth of my potential, and that is a blessing no one can take away from me. When I thought I just had weight to lose, I found out I had everything to gain. 

Today, I am 85 lbs into this journey. I had hoped to be at 100 lbs lost by now, but my body finally decided to slow down. I am rolling with the punches - day by day and pound by pound. I haven't allowed this plateau to effect my attitude, if anything it has driven me further. I know what I want for my life, I'll stop at nothing to get it. 

I appreciate each and every one of you who have lent me your support. The encouragement and response I get from my friends and families just drives me along and puts joy in my heart. I literally have not had one discouraging day in this journey because I am SO BLESSED beyond measure by my ROCK STAR support team. I never anticipated to have so many people show their love, kindness, concern, advice, congratulations, and encouragement along this road. You guys are my inspiration, keep it coming, I still have a long ways to go, but so ready to get there. <3

Part 1: Weight Loss - Before it Began

Other than some Facebook posts every now and then on my progress, I've remained pretty mum in the blog-o-sphere on my weight loss journey. That changes today! This will be a LONG post, so I'm splitting it into two.

I can trace back my decision to do this to a single moment in time. Not to say that it hadn't been on my mind - it was ALL that was on my mind. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. My clothes didn't fit, I hated myself in every picture I was in, it was hard to get comfortable or to get up easily, and my energy level was decreasing daily. I literally hid from any situation where I would have to exert myself in front of people, so I could avoid sweating or huffing in front of others. For that matter, I also hid from myself so I didn't have to face the truth about what I had become. My weight had taken over my life and I could hardly look in the mirror.

One night I was at my best friend Mallory's house watching the season finale of Biggest Loser 10 with her and her husband. I had never seen the show before, and was amazed at the transformations. These people were some of the biggest people I'd ever seen!  The crazy part was that by the end of it, they looked like your average person, if not WAY better - from fatties to fitness buffs. I was blown away, and also shaken to my core...that could be me. It was possible, really, possible.

Then, they played some teaser footage for the next season. There I saw Courtney Crozier, a girl who lost over 100 lbs just to make it on the show. I immediately identified with her because we're the same age, and both have bubbly, outgoing personalities. I never before had the notion that there was hope for me. I resigned myself to believing this was just my life, and I was who I was. I was okay with myself inside, so why did the outside matter? It all changed for me in that moment, it began to matter.

I went home that night and spent a lot of time with myself, just thinking. I was completely honest and I really allowed myself to feel the shame and embarrassment I had swept under the rug all this time. How does a person who is as mentally and emotionally as strong as I am, end up so physically weak? How did I get here, and why had it taken me so long to care? Then, I prayed, maybe harder than I ever have...for strength, motivation, and the power to overcome when I had so far to go. I was left feeling hopeful...and determined to find a solution, but just a little doubtful.. Funny, how fear and doubt can take over any ambition you have, before you even get the chance to get started. This time, I didn't let it phase me.

The next day, I found my solution. I was approached by my Pastor and dear friend, offering help to me if it is what I wanted. Talk about perfect timing. What they didn't know then, was that I desperately needed someone to believe in me.  They came to me from a place of concern, but more than anything, a place of support. Just by opening that door of communication they let me know they believed in me enough to A) Have a pretty stinkin' awkward conversation, and B) to invest into my well-being....my life...my future.

For a girl who had gone my entire life not believing in myself enough to recognize what I was capable of, this was a huge testament to me. All I needed to hear was, "If you want this, I have your back, I believe in you, and I will give you what you need to succeed - don't be afraid to ask." It's little seeds of encouragement like that turn into life changing possibilities. It was exactly what I needed to fuel the fire burning within me and get me moving toward change. From this point forward, I was ready. I was determined to discover a new me, and that's exactly what I did.

(to be continued tomorrow with Part 2: Weight Loss )

Consuming Fire

My heart aches - not in that mopey, self-serving, woe is me kind of way. It's really not about me at all, other than I'm finding that this certain subject consumes the entirety of my soul with compassion, concern, and a desire to do something.

Maybe it stems from the environment I was in growing up. Perhaps it is because the person I loved most in this world was the last person I could save. Or, because I have seen too many old friends, acquaintances, and young people in general sell their souls and give up their very lives at the hand of an addiction. It is senseless and heartbreaking.

Mostly, I think this blinding passion stems from really knowing someone suffering from this, inside and out - mind, body, and spirit. What I've learned is that people suffering from an addiction are not just stupid and reckless. They have heart and soul, and are fully capable of radiating love just as much as the rest of us. They are never a lost cause...ever...and deserve to experience life outside the bondage of addiction.

While they may be sick, they are not hopeless; they are lost, and in need of help. And prayer. And redirection. And encouragement. And support. I cannot stress those enough. It makes me ANGRY to see people fall victim to something because they think they're hopeless. No one is hopeless. No one is outside the reach of of being saved from an addiction.

A wise man by the name of Bishop TD Jakes has said that your misery is your ministry. I am finally understanding the scope of that statement. I want to make an impact, and over and over addiction has been laid on my heart. I'm talking blinding signs, it couldn't be made anymore clear to me. I can't go a day without the burden of knowing my story and my passion could help save a life.

I have suffered unimaginable pain as a direct result of other people's addictions, but it has inspired something in me I don't think will ever subside. I no longer hurt for myself, my mother, or my past. I hurt for others futures that I know I can touch and impact in a big way. Where to go from here I am unsure, but I do know this is for me. One life would be enough, but I hope for much more than that. Now I just need to figure out how to begin...

"Mommy, I want...."

• you carry me.
• Lavaloli (at 7am) (Interpretation=ravioli)
• Choc-ee Meeeeeeeeeelk...now PLEASE!
• A big boy hug
• to see my kykyyyyyy (his sister)
• big toe pop (he ONLY likes his big toe popped)
• you be a monster (he likes mommy's monster noise...no one will hear it but him!)
• to watch batman with my batman robot guy, batman motorcycle bike, and big batman. 
• a 'jam-ich' (sandwich) and cars cheez itz
• to spin with you!...again!
• a race car
• you get me dooooown! (found him on the kitchen counter hunting for snacks AFTER lunch)

That was probably 1/10th of his requests for the day...we won't even get into the questions! He doesn't always get what he wants, but he makes sure I know it is [____T____H____I____S____] important. It must be the age, but EVERYTHING demands the utmost importance, and he doesn't easily forget or accept denials.

He's a demanding little batman loving, cabinet cleaning, inquisitive,  playful, and outspoken little guy.
I love him for every single thing he is, and will become. I pray that as he grows, he turns his demands into passion that fuels dreams, goals, and actions. He has an energy that cannot be contained, and I see a bright future for him. Thankful for this guy, even when he ensures I don't get a single moment of silence in a day. Who can resist such a voice?

It Starts with ME

This is a variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Neibuhr.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

This makes me giggle, mostly because I know and love the real serenity prayer, but also because it's so true.

 "Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change." How often do we spend our time plotting to change our significant other, our parents, our siblings, our best friend, our children. How many times have we heard you can't change people, only yourself. Loving people begins with acceptance, of who they are, where they come from, and what they believe in. Quirks, oddities, major malfunctions and all. I can't change people, but I can love them as they are....I believe there is something to love in everybody on this Earth, you just have to make it past YOUR (insert..MY..) judgments to find it.

"The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Ouch. The wisdom to know it's me. Scratch that singular boo-boo, make it a double ouch. Accept you can't change others, but know that you can always yourself. Realize that change starts with you....your perceptions, your judgments, your actions. If you want to see change in the world, or in others, model that behavior in yourself and see if it doesn't in turn change your views.

It's always me. I am responsible for my feelings, and I am the only person I can hold accountable for them. May I always know change starts in me before I can expect it anywhere else.

Who has issues?

Issues.

This has been a crazy week for me, not even schedule wise, just dealing with issues. That word really sums it up. It is amazing to me what one. single. word. can say, when at times it seems that no string of words could ever speak what is in your heart.


Obstacles.

And if I'm honest with myself, 'issues' really can't explain everything. Where are the feelings in that? While it can say 'problems, drama, and obstacles,' it doesn't lay out what goes into finding a solution to the problem, staying calm and faithful during a storm, or conquering an inconceivably large obstacle before you...or me, rather.


Overwhelmed.

'Issues' signifies that I'm going through a rough patch. It doesn't tell you I'm fighting tooth and nail against so many things that I truly feel overwhelmed. It also doesn't tell you that when I become overwhelmed with life, my past, hectic schedules, sleepless nights, or circumstances out of my control, it allows me to recognize I have something to work toward, and something to live for.


Overcome.

I overcome when I am overwhelmed. My issues will always be a catalyst for change, movement, and momentum. To me, issues means finding the strength to overcome. Having issues isn't always a bad thing, although it can sometimes seem that way when you are knee deep in raw emotions.

Thrive.

Today, I am in the midst of that storm. I am knee deep in raw emotions of all kinds; regret, fear, sadness, frustration, and impatience just to name a few. The great thing is, it won't last long. Because for me, this is a momentary valley of negativity. 'Issues' means it's time to find the strength that lies within and keep going.  'Issues' means I have the OPPORTUNITY to thrive.
...and I will.

If at first you don't succeed

Try again! So, yet again, for the 58th time in my life, I am DETERMINED to pick up blogging again. I'm not a journal-er anymore, I just don't have the time for it. I do have the time to pour it all out into my blog though - here's to typing like a beast :)

This is more for me than anything. I don't want to censor - I want to feel how I used to when I wrote. I want to let go of the filter between my brain and fingers and just let it all be, as is. Honest, uncut, and fully entwined with my emotional baggage.

Writing used to be a way I let go of the emotional baggage, and I need to get back to where I was before I lost her. It just changed everything, and feeling was not something I could handle at that time.Writing makes me feel, therefore, I had to stop. I've been on hiatus long enough...time to connect who I was, to who I am today. Let's see what I come up with...