I am a 'Suicide Survivor' which doesn't mean I tried it and didn't succeed, it is an organization for loved ones of those who have committed suicide. Most people know my mom took her own life just over 3 years ago, and suicide itself is something very close to my heart. I am completely open with my story(which I plan to write on in the near future), even when it makes me and/or someone else uncomfortable because I believe some of the most uncomfortable subjects are the ones that most need sharing.
I have not met anyone other than myself who has lost a parent to suicide, so I cannot speak for the group as a whole. I would imagine that others feel the same way as I do, but I really don't know. Speaking only for myself, I can say it is VERY difficult to remember the good times with my mom because they are so overshadowed by the horrible end to both her life and our relationship.
Yesterday in the car I was listening to Taylor Swift with the girls - they absolutely love her and ALTHOUGH I think she looks like a praying mantis (haha!) she is growing on me(she's kept herself much classier than their other idol Ms. Miley Cyrus!) Her song 'The Best Day' just brought me back to the GOOD times which are so hard for me to remember.
I attribute a lot of who I am today to her, she was not always a troubled person and was often a very good mom to me. She loved me endlessly. While my dad was my 'support' my mom was my encouragement. She really saw me for who I was and never allowed me to doubt myself. She understood me completely, and even if I was wrong she stood beside me and let me figure things out for myself. I never felt alone because I knew she was always on my side. She had the best way of relating to me and giving me the advice I needed without meddling like a lot of mothers have a tendency to do. I always respected that about her and it really kept our relationship strong.
She was my person. The one who could take away the feeling of the world being on my shoulders. The one who would never lie to me - she was always honest and real. Much of my rationality comes from her. My dad tried to keep my sheltered - which I admired and was probably necessary to balance out my mom. She wanted to make sure I wasn't faced with a situation I couldn't handle and didn't sugarcoat the reality of the world for me. She laid everything on the table for me and trusted me enough to know what to do with it. I like to think I am the person I am today because I was always given options and KNEW how to process information in order to make the best decision. I didn't ALWAYS make the best ones - but I never sacrificed my morals or character. I am thankful she taught me to be a strong, independent, woman.
Most of all, I am glad I can still recognize the positive influences she had on my life - even if I only acknowledge it every now and then. It has taken me a long time to forgive her and even longer to get back some of the memories of my childhood and my mother. Nonetheless, I am grateful. For 21 years I had a mom who loved me more than anything - she always told me I was the best thing she ever did.
Love you mama, and I really DO miss you more than anything.
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