Daily Reflections

I have decided to start 2 new journals - just for me. After reading 'Too Busy Not to Pray' I realized I really need to amp up my prayer life. I haven't done this in years up until a few months ago, and it is important to me to make the most out of my moments with God.

So first, I have a journal for daily reflections. It is limited to one page per day, and I can write any sort of reflections I have on the previous day. I start every entry with 'Yesterday,". Nothing has to profound, it is just a way to really think about things and give myself a chance to ponder on something I may have just moved on from and forgotten about. I think I will enjoy it...I like getting in touch with myself, and it will help me get in touch with God.

The second step of this journaling process is a prayer journal. I am really ADD especially when doing anything silently. It is sometimes hard for me to just listen to things, and even harder for me to pay attention when speaking to God. My mind wanders, I start having a conversation with myself about the events of the day or something that is bothering me, rather than with God. So I am going to start writing down my prayers, also limited to a page per day. After the fact, I will read my prayers aloud, adding comments or whatnot where I see fit. That is not to say I will only have one interaction with God per day, because I pray throughout the day. But it WILL be one, concentrated and purposeful moment with God each day.

I am super excited to see where this will lead me in my walk with Christ.

Busy Gals!

Tsk tsk on moi. A brand  new blog and I can't even keep up with it! In all fairness this summer has been busy! I am not complaining because I know without a shadow of a doubt my kids have had an amazing fun-filled summer they won't forget. With the exception of Joey, unless he turns out to be some super human memory master baby...which I am highly doubtful of - but anything is possible, right?!

Here are some highlights

• Many, many, many pool days. - Girls love it, I love it, baby man not so much. He enjoys flying all around the edge of the pool and giving mommy heart attacks. We got our tans on anyway!

• 2 vacation Bible Schools - and the best part of that is MARILYN GOT SAVED! I am so happy for her and she is so dedicated to reading her Bible it just fills me with joy.

• Fun arts and crafts with the girls - in addition to some organization and PURGING of old things taking up space. I love goodwilling it and my girls do to. When I say do you think you can find some toys to give to kids who don't have any - they always shock me with their generosity. Love their little faces!

• Cheerleading camp - it was hot, it was muggy, it was buggy, but Skylar LOVED it. And she gets to cheer with one of her best friends. ...Oh, and somehow I got swindled into becoming team mom. I blame it on my dear friends who have done it before and decided it is for the newbie. Thanks guys, if I have any problems I know who to come after!

• Quality time with our family - Many dinners together..I found alot of new recipes we tried out and loved. McKenzie(Aunt Mac) has been spoiling them rotten and I love having her around. Kirsten moved back to Georgia and we are so glad to have her back...our family isn't the same without her! Spent some time with my grandparents, they just love seeing the kids, and I just love seeing them. WIN WIN!

• Playdates, playgrounds, sleepovers, and a new next door neighbor to get to know - same age!

• And MOST fun of all was our vacation to Panama City Beach! My Uncle hooked us up with an amazing deal at a the beautiful Grand Panama Resort. I got to visit with my aunt and uncle, spend lots of time with my dad and the kids, shop shop shop til I dropped(not really I could've kept going but the card wouldn't have kept up with me!), and best of all my sisters were down at the same time. It was awesome to have them there, the kids got to play with Ben, I got to visit with Lisa and Aunt Tammy, and I had my BEST friends with me - it was amazing.

Only one week left of summer! For once I got school shopping done early - no fighting crowds and depleted aisles for me! What to do to keep us busy from now until next week...

Remembering the good, bad, and all inbetween

I am a 'Suicide Survivor' which doesn't mean I tried it and didn't succeed, it is an organization for loved ones of those who have committed suicide. Most people know my mom took her own life just over 3 years ago, and suicide itself is something very close to my heart. I am completely open with my story(which I plan to write on in the near future), even when it makes me and/or someone else uncomfortable because I believe some of the most uncomfortable subjects are the ones that most need sharing.

I have not met anyone other than myself who has lost a parent to suicide, so I cannot speak for the group as a whole. I would imagine that others feel the same way as I do, but I really don't know. Speaking only for myself, I can say it is VERY difficult to remember the good times with my mom because they are so overshadowed by the horrible end to both her life and our relationship.

Yesterday in the car I was listening to Taylor Swift with the girls - they absolutely love her and ALTHOUGH I think she looks like a praying mantis (haha!) she is growing on me(she's kept herself much classier than their other idol Ms. Miley Cyrus!) Her song 'The Best Day' just brought me back to the GOOD times which are so hard for me to remember.

I attribute a lot of who I am today to her, she was not always a troubled person and was often a very good mom to me. She loved me endlessly. While my dad was my 'support' my mom was my encouragement. She really saw me for who I was and never allowed me to doubt myself. She understood me completely, and even if I was wrong she stood beside me and let me figure things out for myself. I never felt alone because I knew she was always on my side. She had the best way of relating to me and giving me the advice I needed without meddling like a lot of mothers have a tendency to do. I always respected that about her and it really kept our relationship strong.

She was my person. The one who could take away the feeling of the world being on my shoulders. The one who would never lie to me - she was always honest and real. Much of my rationality comes from her. My dad tried to keep my sheltered - which I admired and was probably necessary to balance out my mom. She wanted to make sure I wasn't faced with a situation I couldn't handle and didn't sugarcoat the reality of the world for me. She laid everything on the table for me and trusted me enough to know what to do with it. I like to think I am the person I am today because I was always given options and KNEW how to process information in order to make the best decision. I didn't ALWAYS make the best ones - but I never sacrificed my morals or character. I am thankful she taught me to be a strong, independent, woman.

Most of all, I am glad I can still recognize the positive influences she had on my life - even if I only acknowledge it every now and then. It has taken me a long time to forgive her and even longer to get back some of the memories of my childhood and my mother. Nonetheless, I am grateful. For 21 years I had a mom who loved me more than anything - she always told me I was the best thing she ever did.

Love you mama, and I really DO miss you more than anything.

Work in Progress

Once upon a time I thought that each day, month, and year was a step by step process to growing up. What I did not know that just because another day passes doesn't mean you are any closer to growing up. It is a heart wrenching and grueling process, at least it has been for me. There is nothing more true than the fact that we are all ever changing, evolving, and growing.
 

When 'change' happens it is so hard to notice because you are so focused on making it through whatever is happening. Looking back it is easier to see what a major/minor transformation has occurred. Who I was 6 months ago(let's not even go further than that!) doesn't come close to comparing to who I am today.

Once I was lost, now I am found.
I was damaged and now I am healed.
I was fearful and now I am faithful.
I was broken and now I am complete.
I was judgmental now I am 
I was self absorbed and now I live to serve others.
I was settling for less and now I am reaching for greatness.

I hope that each moment I am given in this lifetime, I am working on bettering who I am. I will never be content with just 'being' anymore. I live to serve a greater purpose outside of myself - 'me' doesn't matter...only He and His matter!

Baptism

Last Sunday I was baptized! It was an experience I couldn't put into words if I tried, and I have! More than anything I just felt this overwhelming sense of accomplishment, pride, and joy in my heart.

I have come a long way as a person in just a few short months since accepting Christ into my life. Being baptized was my symbol of commitment toward living my life by God's will. It was a beautiful day in my life and is VERY close to the top of the 'Best days of my life' list.

I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be baptized in Freedom Church by Pastor JR supported by my dad, daughter, two of my closest friends, and my Freedom family. The support and congratulations were so encouraging and I am just counting my blessings to have been given such a spectacular group of people to add to my life. I'm loving life...God is SO great!

Joni giving me congrats and well wishes. She is a doll and has been so encouraging to me. Just one of many!

Saved by grace - and dunked by Pastor JR! ;P

Overjoyed - Ecstatic - Triumphant - BLESSED!

Life Swap

I'm a little late on my updates this week, but I absolutely wanted to start with a Sunday Scribblings Post. This week #221 is about life swap - something I would assume many people would think I'd be into.

I'm not. Not in this crazy season of my life, and not the ones I've faced before. Those seasons of life that I fought tooth and nail through to climb out of the trenches, or felt like I was drowning in a sea of  doubt and hopelessness - those seasons are what seasoned me.

Some who have heard my 'testimony' are often rendered speechless or give me their condolences. In the past I would have taken them. There have been times I have longed to be someone else - somewhere else. There has been an undeniable and larger than life sadness in my life. The suicide of my mother marked the coldest and darkest season of my lifetime.

How many times did I wish to be someone other than me? I can't even answer that question. An answer I do have, is how fortunate I am to have been given this life. The value I place on my life is immeasurable. I was given a life to live by my God, and I am driven each day by a purpose that remains unknown - but still I am carried forward.

If we were given the ability to swap lives I know that I would absolutely be someone else today. Oh, the joys I would have missed! How thankful and blessed I am to have stayed the course and found that life leads you places you never expected to be.

For those who think the grass is greener on the other side - it very well may be, but don't let envy into your heart. Keep walking...I urge you. Greener pastures await if you just keep climbing those mountains laid before you.

Psalm 23 -  ¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. ² He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, ³ he restores my soul.


....and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.