Other than some Facebook posts every now and then on my progress, I've remained pretty mum in the blog-o-sphere on my weight loss journey. That changes today! This will be a LONG post, so I'm splitting it into two.
I can trace back my decision to do this to a single moment in time. Not to say that it hadn't been on my mind - it was ALL that was on my mind. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. My clothes didn't fit, I hated myself in every picture I was in, it was hard to get comfortable or to get up easily, and my energy level was decreasing daily. I literally hid from any situation where I would have to exert myself in front of people, so I could avoid sweating or huffing in front of others. For that matter, I also hid from myself so I didn't have to face the truth about what I had become. My weight had taken over my life and I could hardly look in the mirror.
One night I was at my best friend Mallory's house watching the season finale of Biggest Loser 10 with her and her husband. I had never seen the show before, and was amazed at the transformations. These people were some of the biggest people I'd ever seen! The crazy part was that by the end of it, they looked like your average person, if not WAY better - from fatties to fitness buffs. I was blown away, and also shaken to my core...that could be me. It was possible, really, possible.
Then, they played some teaser footage for the next season. There I saw Courtney Crozier, a girl who lost over 100 lbs just to make it on the show. I immediately identified with her because we're the same age, and both have bubbly, outgoing personalities. I never before had the notion that there was hope for me. I resigned myself to believing this was just my life, and I was who I was. I was okay with myself inside, so why did the outside matter? It all changed for me in that moment, it began to matter.
I went home that night and spent a lot of time with myself, just thinking. I was completely honest and I really allowed myself to feel the shame and embarrassment I had swept under the rug all this time. How does a person who is as mentally and emotionally as strong as I am, end up so physically weak? How did I get here, and why had it taken me so long to care? Then, I prayed, maybe harder than I ever have...for strength, motivation, and the power to overcome when I had so far to go. I was left feeling hopeful...and determined to find a solution, but just a little doubtful.. Funny, how fear and doubt can take over any ambition you have, before you even get the chance to get started. This time, I didn't let it phase me.
The next day, I found my solution. I was approached by my Pastor and dear friend, offering help to me if it is what I wanted. Talk about perfect timing. What they didn't know then, was that I desperately needed someone to believe in me. They came to me from a place of concern, but more than anything, a place of support. Just by opening that door of communication they let me know they believed in me enough to A) Have a pretty stinkin' awkward conversation, and B) to invest into my well-being....my life...my future.
For a girl who had gone my entire life not believing in myself enough to recognize what I was capable of, this was a huge testament to me. All I needed to hear was, "If you want this, I have your back, I believe in you, and I will give you what you need to succeed - don't be afraid to ask." It's little seeds of encouragement like that turn into life changing possibilities. It was exactly what I needed to fuel the fire burning within me and get me moving toward change. From this point forward, I was ready. I was determined to discover a new me, and that's exactly what I did.
(to be continued tomorrow with Part 2: Weight Loss )
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