My heart aches - not in that mopey, self-serving, woe is me kind of way. It's really not about me at all, other than I'm finding that this certain subject consumes the entirety of my soul with compassion, concern, and a desire to do something.
Maybe it stems from the environment I was in growing up. Perhaps it is because the person I loved most in this world was the last person I could save. Or, because I have seen too many old friends, acquaintances, and young people in general sell their souls and give up their very lives at the hand of an addiction. It is senseless and heartbreaking.
Mostly, I think this blinding passion stems from really knowing someone suffering from this, inside and out - mind, body, and spirit. What I've learned is that people suffering from an addiction are not just stupid and reckless. They have heart and soul, and are fully capable of radiating love just as much as the rest of us. They are never a lost cause...ever...and deserve to experience life outside the bondage of addiction.
While they may be sick, they are not hopeless; they are lost, and in need of help. And prayer. And redirection. And encouragement. And support. I cannot stress those enough. It makes me ANGRY to see people fall victim to something because they think they're hopeless. No one is hopeless. No one is outside the reach of of being saved from an addiction.
A wise man by the name of Bishop TD Jakes has said that your misery is your ministry. I am finally understanding the scope of that statement. I want to make an impact, and over and over addiction has been laid on my heart. I'm talking blinding signs, it couldn't be made anymore clear to me. I can't go a day without the burden of knowing my story and my passion could help save a life.
I have suffered unimaginable pain as a direct result of other people's addictions, but it has inspired something in me I don't think will ever subside. I no longer hurt for myself, my mother, or my past. I hurt for others futures that I know I can touch and impact in a big way. Where to go from here I am unsure, but I do know this is for me. One life would be enough, but I hope for much more than that. Now I just need to figure out how to begin...
7.23.2011
7.08.2011
"Mommy, I want...."
- you carry me.
- Lavaloli (at 7am) (Interpretation=ravioli)
- Choc-ee Meeeeeeeeeelk...now PLEASE!
- A big boy hug
- to see my kykyyyyyy (his sister)
- big toe pop (he ONLY likes his big toe popped)
- you be a monster (he likes mommy's monster noise...no one will hear it but him!)
- to watch batman with my batman robot guy, batman motorcycle bike, and big batman.
- a 'jam-ich' (sandwich) and cars cheez itz
- to spin with you!...again!
- a race car
- you get me dooooown! (found him on the kitchen counter hunting for snacks AFTER lunch)
That was probably 1/10th of his requests for the day...we won't even get into the questions! He doesn't always get what he wants, but he makes sure I know it is [____T____H____I____S____] important. It must be the age, but EVERYTHING demands the utmost importance, and he doesn't easily forget or accept denials.
He's a demanding little batman loving, cabinet cleaning, inquisitive, playful, and outspoken little guy.
I love him for every single thing he is, and will become. I pray that as he grows, he turns his demands into passion that fuels dreams, goals, and actions. He has an energy that cannot be contained, and I see a bright future for him. Thankful for this guy, even when he ensures I don't get a single moment of silence in a day. Who can resist such a voice?
7.05.2011
It Starts with ME
This is a variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Neibuhr.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
This makes me giggle, mostly because I know and love the real serenity prayer, but also because it's so true.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change." How often do we spend our time plotting to change our significant other, our parents, our siblings, our best friend, our children. How many times have we heard you can't change people, only yourself. Loving people begins with acceptance, of who they are, where they come from, and what they believe in. Quirks, oddities, major malfunctions and all. I can't change people, but I can love them as they are....I believe there is something to love in everybody on this Earth, you just have to make it past YOUR (insert..MY..) judgments to find it.
"The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Ouch. The wisdom to know it's me. Scratch that singular boo-boo, make it a double ouch. Accept you can't change others, but know that you can always yourself. Realize that change starts with you....your perceptions, your judgments, your actions. If you want to see change in the world, or in others, model that behavior in yourself and see if it doesn't in turn change your views.
It's always me. I am responsible for my feelings, and I am the only person I can hold accountable for them. May I always know change starts in me before I can expect it anywhere else.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
This makes me giggle, mostly because I know and love the real serenity prayer, but also because it's so true.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change." How often do we spend our time plotting to change our significant other, our parents, our siblings, our best friend, our children. How many times have we heard you can't change people, only yourself. Loving people begins with acceptance, of who they are, where they come from, and what they believe in. Quirks, oddities, major malfunctions and all. I can't change people, but I can love them as they are....I believe there is something to love in everybody on this Earth, you just have to make it past YOUR (insert..MY..) judgments to find it.
"The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Ouch. The wisdom to know it's me. Scratch that singular boo-boo, make it a double ouch. Accept you can't change others, but know that you can always yourself. Realize that change starts with you....your perceptions, your judgments, your actions. If you want to see change in the world, or in others, model that behavior in yourself and see if it doesn't in turn change your views.
It's always me. I am responsible for my feelings, and I am the only person I can hold accountable for them. May I always know change starts in me before I can expect it anywhere else.
7.02.2011
Who has issues?
Issues.
This has been a crazy week for me, not even schedule wise, just dealing with issues. That word really sums it up. It is amazing to me what one. single. word. can say, when at times it seems that no string of words could ever speak what is in your heart.
Obstacles.
And if I'm honest with myself, 'issues' really can't explain everything. Where are the feelings in that? While it can say 'problems, drama, and obstacles,' it doesn't lay out what goes into finding a solution to the problem, staying calm and faithful during a storm, or conquering an inconceivably large obstacle before you...or me, rather.
Overwhelmed.
'Issues' signifies that I'm going through a rough patch. It doesn't tell you I'm fighting tooth and nail against so many things that I truly feel overwhelmed. It also doesn't tell you that when I become overwhelmed with life, my past, hectic schedules, sleepless nights, or circumstances out of my control, it allows me to recognize I have something to work toward, and something to live for.
Overcome.
I overcome when I am overwhelmed. My issues will always be a catalyst for change, movement, and momentum. To me, issues means finding the strength to overcome. Having issues isn't always a bad thing, although it can sometimes seem that way when you are knee deep in raw emotions.
Thrive.
Today, I am in the midst of that storm. I am knee deep in raw emotions of all kinds; regret, fear, sadness, frustration, and impatience just to name a few. The great thing is, it won't last long. Because for me, this is a momentary valley of negativity. 'Issues' means it's time to find the strength that lies within and keep going. 'Issues' means I have the OPPORTUNITY to thrive.
...and I will.
This has been a crazy week for me, not even schedule wise, just dealing with issues. That word really sums it up. It is amazing to me what one. single. word. can say, when at times it seems that no string of words could ever speak what is in your heart.
Obstacles.
And if I'm honest with myself, 'issues' really can't explain everything. Where are the feelings in that? While it can say 'problems, drama, and obstacles,' it doesn't lay out what goes into finding a solution to the problem, staying calm and faithful during a storm, or conquering an inconceivably large obstacle before you...or me, rather.
Overwhelmed.
'Issues' signifies that I'm going through a rough patch. It doesn't tell you I'm fighting tooth and nail against so many things that I truly feel overwhelmed. It also doesn't tell you that when I become overwhelmed with life, my past, hectic schedules, sleepless nights, or circumstances out of my control, it allows me to recognize I have something to work toward, and something to live for.
Overcome.
I overcome when I am overwhelmed. My issues will always be a catalyst for change, movement, and momentum. To me, issues means finding the strength to overcome. Having issues isn't always a bad thing, although it can sometimes seem that way when you are knee deep in raw emotions.
Thrive.
Today, I am in the midst of that storm. I am knee deep in raw emotions of all kinds; regret, fear, sadness, frustration, and impatience just to name a few. The great thing is, it won't last long. Because for me, this is a momentary valley of negativity. 'Issues' means it's time to find the strength that lies within and keep going. 'Issues' means I have the OPPORTUNITY to thrive.
...and I will.
6.28.2011
If at first you don't succeed
Try again! So, yet again, for the 58th time in my life, I am DETERMINED to pick up blogging again. I'm not a journal-er anymore, I just don't have the time for it. I do have the time to pour it all out into my blog though - here's to typing like a beast :)
This is more for me than anything. I don't want to censor - I want to feel how I used to when I wrote. I want to let go of the filter between my brain and fingers and just let it all be, as is. Honest, uncut, and fully entwined with my emotional baggage.
Writing used to be a way I let go of the emotional baggage, and I need to get back to where I was before I lost her. It just changed everything, and feeling was not something I could handle at that time.Writing makes me feel, therefore, I had to stop. I've been on hiatus long enough...time to connect who I was, to who I am today. Let's see what I come up with...
This is more for me than anything. I don't want to censor - I want to feel how I used to when I wrote. I want to let go of the filter between my brain and fingers and just let it all be, as is. Honest, uncut, and fully entwined with my emotional baggage.
Writing used to be a way I let go of the emotional baggage, and I need to get back to where I was before I lost her. It just changed everything, and feeling was not something I could handle at that time.Writing makes me feel, therefore, I had to stop. I've been on hiatus long enough...time to connect who I was, to who I am today. Let's see what I come up with...
11.08.2010
Urgent Prayers
Well, per my usual I have completely forgotten to update about anything in my life. I guess that's what happens when you have a lot going on! But at this moment, if you are reading this, my family desperately needs your prayers.
My best friend's/pseudo sister/asexual soul mate's father, Scott, has been diagnosed with Stage IIIc melanoma. He is more than just her dad to me - he is in a sense, a father to me as well. I was blessed with a wonderful father of my own - and also this family, this man, who have taken me in as their own. When I think of him - I think of strength, logic, zest for life, a love of family and all things southern.
This is the man who stopped at nothing to track us down when we were up to no good. When we thought we couldn't be found out - we were wrong. He dragged our butts out of several bad situations as teenagers. He encouraged us when we needed it. At times, he kicked us straight in our posterior. He took me to football games and taught me what real man's sarcasm was and how to take it. He held my hand and reassured me everything would be OK when I was in the ER, scared to death, and strapped to a stretcher. He was never short on kind words and praise for me, and was always there when we needed him - even if we didn't think so. He loves my babies like his very own grandchildren - and they love him...and so do I.
And now, he is fighting for his life. And we are all - SO. SCARED. When we asked what the prognosis was, we were told he will have to fight hard and it will be treated aggressively. This particular type of cancer is very resistant to typical treatment and the best recommendation is clinical trials. It is very likely once treated it will come back and the 5 year survival rate is 24-29%. Drop that by 10% for the 10 year survival rate. He is 43 years old with a 24, 20, 17, and 10 year old children. He has his first grandchild on the way and a wife and family who adore him. He has to live.
He is determined and strong - and if nothing else he has his otherwise healthy and active lifestyle to help him fight this battle. If anyone can beat this, he can. We are just at the beginning stages of this journey - but every prayer counts. If you are reading this, please pray with us, for this wonderful man's strength, health, determination, and peace....it will be a long road ahead but I am as sure as I am in God above, that this is a battle than can be won by Scott Petty.
My best friend's/pseudo sister/asexual soul mate's father, Scott, has been diagnosed with Stage IIIc melanoma. He is more than just her dad to me - he is in a sense, a father to me as well. I was blessed with a wonderful father of my own - and also this family, this man, who have taken me in as their own. When I think of him - I think of strength, logic, zest for life, a love of family and all things southern.
This is the man who stopped at nothing to track us down when we were up to no good. When we thought we couldn't be found out - we were wrong. He dragged our butts out of several bad situations as teenagers. He encouraged us when we needed it. At times, he kicked us straight in our posterior. He took me to football games and taught me what real man's sarcasm was and how to take it. He held my hand and reassured me everything would be OK when I was in the ER, scared to death, and strapped to a stretcher. He was never short on kind words and praise for me, and was always there when we needed him - even if we didn't think so. He loves my babies like his very own grandchildren - and they love him...and so do I.
And now, he is fighting for his life. And we are all - SO. SCARED. When we asked what the prognosis was, we were told he will have to fight hard and it will be treated aggressively. This particular type of cancer is very resistant to typical treatment and the best recommendation is clinical trials. It is very likely once treated it will come back and the 5 year survival rate is 24-29%. Drop that by 10% for the 10 year survival rate. He is 43 years old with a 24, 20, 17, and 10 year old children. He has his first grandchild on the way and a wife and family who adore him. He has to live.
He is determined and strong - and if nothing else he has his otherwise healthy and active lifestyle to help him fight this battle. If anyone can beat this, he can. We are just at the beginning stages of this journey - but every prayer counts. If you are reading this, please pray with us, for this wonderful man's strength, health, determination, and peace....it will be a long road ahead but I am as sure as I am in God above, that this is a battle than can be won by Scott Petty.
10.04.2010
The Lights in my Life
Lately, I have been feeling a little less than great. The world, life, and love have all been laying heavily on my shoulders. So, I haven't written in awhile. Today that changes.
Many wonderful things have happened that I've missed the chance to share and linger over. I don't want to let a couple discouragements move me from the amazing work God is doing in my life. I am so blessed, at times it brings me to my knees in awe and gratitude.
First, I am developing wonderful friendships with people who understand me and everything I want to be. I don't have to feel like I need to hide or under-exaggerate the new love of my life, Jesus Christ. They just get it. They just get ME. I have true friends I imagine will grow to be life long friends, and the most amazing mentors and supporters. For the first time in a long time, I have a guiding and encouraging force in my life from people who can move me in the RIGHT direction. What a blessing God's love is when working through God's people. As a unit, we are unstoppable, I truly believe it.
Secondly, my girl accepted Christ into her life yesterday at the age of 6! It brings me so pride and indescribable joy to my heart to know she will have God with her always. She told me she prayed to Jesus to wash her heart clean - how precious. I love her so much and pray for continued growth and understanding of our God and his word. I want her to live an amazing Godly life and be a driving force of our Lord's love in her generation. God has given me this sweet, innocent life to raise up in Him - I am loving the chance at making that happen. We've been working on prayer at home, it makes her a little uncomfortable and she doesn't know what to say, but she has the Holy Spirit on her side now. I will just keep praying over her and I know one day soon she'll have the confidence to do it on her own or chime in on mine.
I just love what God is doing in my family's life. Both Marilyn and Skylar have accepted Jesus and we go in for a Baptism class on Wednesday evening. If all goes well and they feel they are ready they will be baptized on Sunday! How amazing :) Praise God!
Many wonderful things have happened that I've missed the chance to share and linger over. I don't want to let a couple discouragements move me from the amazing work God is doing in my life. I am so blessed, at times it brings me to my knees in awe and gratitude.
First, I am developing wonderful friendships with people who understand me and everything I want to be. I don't have to feel like I need to hide or under-exaggerate the new love of my life, Jesus Christ. They just get it. They just get ME. I have true friends I imagine will grow to be life long friends, and the most amazing mentors and supporters. For the first time in a long time, I have a guiding and encouraging force in my life from people who can move me in the RIGHT direction. What a blessing God's love is when working through God's people. As a unit, we are unstoppable, I truly believe it.
Secondly, my girl accepted Christ into her life yesterday at the age of 6! It brings me so pride and indescribable joy to my heart to know she will have God with her always. She told me she prayed to Jesus to wash her heart clean - how precious. I love her so much and pray for continued growth and understanding of our God and his word. I want her to live an amazing Godly life and be a driving force of our Lord's love in her generation. God has given me this sweet, innocent life to raise up in Him - I am loving the chance at making that happen. We've been working on prayer at home, it makes her a little uncomfortable and she doesn't know what to say, but she has the Holy Spirit on her side now. I will just keep praying over her and I know one day soon she'll have the confidence to do it on her own or chime in on mine.
I just love what God is doing in my family's life. Both Marilyn and Skylar have accepted Jesus and we go in for a Baptism class on Wednesday evening. If all goes well and they feel they are ready they will be baptized on Sunday! How amazing :) Praise God!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)