Other than some Facebook posts every now and then on my progress, I've remained pretty mum in the blog-o-sphere on my weight loss journey. That changes today! This will be a LONG post, so I'm splitting it into two.
I can trace back my decision to do this to a single moment in time. Not to say that it hadn't been on my mind - it was ALL that was on my mind. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. My clothes didn't fit, I hated myself in every picture I was in, it was hard to get comfortable or to get up easily, and my energy level was decreasing daily. I literally hid from any situation where I would have to exert myself in front of people, so I could avoid sweating or huffing in front of others. For that matter, I also hid from myself so I didn't have to face the truth about what I had become. My weight had taken over my life and I could hardly look in the mirror.
One night I was at my best friend Mallory's house watching the season finale of Biggest Loser 10 with her and her husband. I had never seen the show before, and was amazed at the transformations. These people were some of the biggest people I'd ever seen! The crazy part was that by the end of it, they looked like your average person, if not WAY better - from fatties to fitness buffs. I was blown away, and also shaken to my core...that could be me. It was possible, really, possible.
Then, they played some teaser footage for the next season. There I saw Courtney Crozier, a girl who lost over 100 lbs just to make it on the show. I immediately identified with her because we're the same age, and both have bubbly, outgoing personalities. I never before had the notion that there was hope for me. I resigned myself to believing this was just my life, and I was who I was. I was okay with myself inside, so why did the outside matter? It all changed for me in that moment, it began to matter.
I went home that night and spent a lot of time with myself, just thinking. I was completely honest and I really allowed myself to feel the shame and embarrassment I had swept under the rug all this time. How does a person who is as mentally and emotionally as strong as I am, end up so physically weak? How did I get here, and why had it taken me so long to care? Then, I prayed, maybe harder than I ever have...for strength, motivation, and the power to overcome when I had so far to go. I was left feeling hopeful...and determined to find a solution, but just a little doubtful.. Funny, how fear and doubt can take over any ambition you have, before you even get the chance to get started. This time, I didn't let it phase me.
The next day, I found my solution. I was approached by my Pastor and dear friend, offering help to me if it is what I wanted. Talk about perfect timing. What they didn't know then, was that I desperately needed someone to believe in me. They came to me from a place of concern, but more than anything, a place of support. Just by opening that door of communication they let me know they believed in me enough to A) Have a pretty stinkin' awkward conversation, and B) to invest into my well-being....my life...my future.
For a girl who had gone my entire life not believing in myself enough to recognize what I was capable of, this was a huge testament to me. All I needed to hear was, "If you want this, I have your back, I believe in you, and I will give you what you need to succeed - don't be afraid to ask." It's little seeds of encouragement like that turn into life changing possibilities. It was exactly what I needed to fuel the fire burning within me and get me moving toward change. From this point forward, I was ready. I was determined to discover a new me, and that's exactly what I did.
(to be continued tomorrow with Part 2: Weight Loss )
Showing posts with label Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journey. Show all posts
7.05.2011
It Starts with ME
This is a variation of an excerpt from "The Serenity Prayer" by Reinhold Neibuhr.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
This makes me giggle, mostly because I know and love the real serenity prayer, but also because it's so true.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change." How often do we spend our time plotting to change our significant other, our parents, our siblings, our best friend, our children. How many times have we heard you can't change people, only yourself. Loving people begins with acceptance, of who they are, where they come from, and what they believe in. Quirks, oddities, major malfunctions and all. I can't change people, but I can love them as they are....I believe there is something to love in everybody on this Earth, you just have to make it past YOUR (insert..MY..) judgments to find it.
"The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Ouch. The wisdom to know it's me. Scratch that singular boo-boo, make it a double ouch. Accept you can't change others, but know that you can always yourself. Realize that change starts with you....your perceptions, your judgments, your actions. If you want to see change in the world, or in others, model that behavior in yourself and see if it doesn't in turn change your views.
It's always me. I am responsible for my feelings, and I am the only person I can hold accountable for them. May I always know change starts in me before I can expect it anywhere else.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
This makes me giggle, mostly because I know and love the real serenity prayer, but also because it's so true.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change." How often do we spend our time plotting to change our significant other, our parents, our siblings, our best friend, our children. How many times have we heard you can't change people, only yourself. Loving people begins with acceptance, of who they are, where they come from, and what they believe in. Quirks, oddities, major malfunctions and all. I can't change people, but I can love them as they are....I believe there is something to love in everybody on this Earth, you just have to make it past YOUR (insert..MY..) judgments to find it.
"The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Ouch. The wisdom to know it's me. Scratch that singular boo-boo, make it a double ouch. Accept you can't change others, but know that you can always yourself. Realize that change starts with you....your perceptions, your judgments, your actions. If you want to see change in the world, or in others, model that behavior in yourself and see if it doesn't in turn change your views.
It's always me. I am responsible for my feelings, and I am the only person I can hold accountable for them. May I always know change starts in me before I can expect it anywhere else.
8.18.2010
Today Marks a New Beginning
This has been a long time coming, and up until this point I have been at excited for what may come from the changes I am making in my life. Today, I am just petrified. I woke up fearful with a heavy heart and nothing seems to make it subside.
Today is the day that Joey moves out and I start a new direction in life being a single mom. We broke up about 2 months ago, but he has been here trying to find a place to stay and getting prepared to move. At times it has been awkward and emotional , and at others it has been comforting to have him around. As much as we butt heads he is my immediate source of support. We may have faced our issues but he is someone who I will always care for.
I am certain we will both be better off after everything is said and done because my Father in heaven has promised to provide for me when I am in obedience to his word. That has driven me through this emotional roller coaster because I KNOW there is a happy ending. That doesn't stop be from being scared out of my mind to turn the page into this new chapter of my life.
Today marks a new beginning - one that I know I am capable of doing. I am familiar with this, and I am also familiar with how difficult it can be at times. However, my life at 20 was completely different than it is now. At 20 I had only one child, the help of both of my parents, and a career on which to support myself.
At age 24, I have my own 2 children and a little girl who I am very much still involved with - so 3! No job and no immediate plans to have one because I am trying to concentrate on family and school. Thank goodness for my dad stepping in and giving me some financial support until I am done with school. The part that scares me the most is living on my own - I have NEVER lived without my mom or dad, or Joey. But this time I am on my own....
ON MY OWN! I have never had so much on my plate and I am thankful and blessed to have received the opportunities I have. I am confident I can handle whatever is coming my way - it is just frightening because I don't know what that may be! I am sure that I will be stretched thin, challenged, and moved beyond my wildest dreams - which is ultimately what I want.
I have been praying for God to open my heart and mind to a life I never dreamed possible for myself. I am sure this is my opportunity to see what I am made of, and find some things out about myself I never knew were within me. When I look at it from that perspective it takes the concern I've had out of the equation and gives me a sense of peace and excitement.
PS...I feel much better now. Sometimes all I need is prayer and an outlet for what I have been internalizing. Journaling/blogging rocks my world.
Today is the day that Joey moves out and I start a new direction in life being a single mom. We broke up about 2 months ago, but he has been here trying to find a place to stay and getting prepared to move. At times it has been awkward and emotional , and at others it has been comforting to have him around. As much as we butt heads he is my immediate source of support. We may have faced our issues but he is someone who I will always care for.
I am certain we will both be better off after everything is said and done because my Father in heaven has promised to provide for me when I am in obedience to his word. That has driven me through this emotional roller coaster because I KNOW there is a happy ending. That doesn't stop be from being scared out of my mind to turn the page into this new chapter of my life.
Today marks a new beginning - one that I know I am capable of doing. I am familiar with this, and I am also familiar with how difficult it can be at times. However, my life at 20 was completely different than it is now. At 20 I had only one child, the help of both of my parents, and a career on which to support myself.
At age 24, I have my own 2 children and a little girl who I am very much still involved with - so 3! No job and no immediate plans to have one because I am trying to concentrate on family and school. Thank goodness for my dad stepping in and giving me some financial support until I am done with school. The part that scares me the most is living on my own - I have NEVER lived without my mom or dad, or Joey. But this time I am on my own....
ON MY OWN! I have never had so much on my plate and I am thankful and blessed to have received the opportunities I have. I am confident I can handle whatever is coming my way - it is just frightening because I don't know what that may be! I am sure that I will be stretched thin, challenged, and moved beyond my wildest dreams - which is ultimately what I want.
I have been praying for God to open my heart and mind to a life I never dreamed possible for myself. I am sure this is my opportunity to see what I am made of, and find some things out about myself I never knew were within me. When I look at it from that perspective it takes the concern I've had out of the equation and gives me a sense of peace and excitement.
PS...I feel much better now. Sometimes all I need is prayer and an outlet for what I have been internalizing. Journaling/blogging rocks my world.
8.11.2010
Sweeping Underneath the Rug
If you know me at all, you know I am a pretty laid back go with the flow type of person. I embrace change(really!) and try to take things with a grain of salt. I don't like to sweat the small stuff - it's no way to live and only encourages negativity. I am not a person who can handle an abundance of negative thoughts and feelings because they will drag me
D
O
W
N.
Therefore, I do not let things that don't matter in the long run get to me. I prefer to concentrate on the bright side of life - I've lived in the dark side, I don't need reminders of what lurks in those murky corners of my mind. I try to always look for a positive in any situation and firmly believe one can always be found. If there remains no positive side - it's right around the corner. Life is what you make it..and I make mine worthwhile.
Unfortunately, the tendency to look for the good and ignore the bad, at times means I look over things that do matter and need to be dealt with. I try to brush off things that do bother me down to my core, and tell myself it is not worthwhile to dwell on it. Most of the time it isn't, but there are times when sweeping things under the rug is not beneficial to anyone involved because nothing is being resolved.
Another little tidbit about myself; I can't stand confrontation! I would rather just keep issues to myself and deal with it internally than to come to a point of confrontation with someone. It is uncomfortable, undesirable, but sometimes needed. This week I confronted a situation that has hardened my heart to someone I love for years, perhaps my entire life.
I realized life is too precious and too short to just let those who matter to you trespass against you and never say anything. It is a great possibility they never realized the effect of their actions, and if you don't at least try to save that relationship - you never know. I couldn't live with that regret when their was a possibility of fixing something that had been broken.
So, I spoke my heart. I was completely honest and direct even though it was terrifying. And guess what? The person on the other end was more than receptive to what I had to say. I have no doubt in my mind things will improve exponentially and I will have another shot at building a strong relationship with a loved one.
I am committing myself to facing my problems and not pretending like they aren't there. I pray that I can continue to assert myself in a positive way when it is needed for the improvement of my life or someone else's. Fear of consequence when change is needed does nothing but squander relationships. Sometimes all it takes is a sincere heart. Resolve your issues with one another - it is the only way to love whole heartedly.
6.04.2010
Leaps of Faith
I am a newly restored believer in Christ.
I am effin proud. And I feel so enthusiastically I just needed that effin(in all clean intentioned manner) for oomph.
And then there is me who needs some oomph as well. A swift kick in the butt could do me some good b/c I am staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiing.
I just had to write THIS INSTANT I think because I need to just call myself out so I can move on.
But I digress, I am a newly restored believer in Christ. And I am completely new to this whole listening to God and acting out his will deal. I am open to it..I yearn for it even. I have been listening to my heart and God's word and acting in Him the best I know how. From the smallest decisions each day I make a conscious effort to involve God and I am listening to what He speaks into me...I have seen results daily!
Except...
(and aren't there always exceptions...darn you exceptions for you just make everything much more difficult)
...this one HUGE thing that I feel is just being SCREAMED into my very being and etched into my heart mind and body in every way.
I.
Know.
What.
To.
Do.
Except...that I can't or won't do it. I'm putting it off and putting it off and pushing it out of my mind until this more convenient moment or place. But that moment is not coming. God is funny that way. How there is this overwhelming command that you absolutely cannot ignore even when it is the most inconvenient thing you could conceive. Because ignoring it is turning you back on Him, but following it is smashing yourself into a brick wall going 100mph KNOWING that you are without a doubt making it to the other side alive. Because my God is that great and I have that much faith. I know for certain there are better things in store for me if I just DO IT. It's that smashing part that is going to hurt like hell and it is holding me back something fierce.
That is the point, I believe. I have the faith - it pulses throughout me. I have no doubts concerning what needs to be done and why. I am not worried that things won't be better...I believe they will be almost immediately. I have no doubt in myself or my children or the people around me to be supportive. I will have all the support in the world, I am more than capable of dealing with what needs to be done, and I know I will be a better person for doing so. Best and MOST importantly - closer to God and a more faithful servant. But I have just got to get past this fear of the doing itself. It will be painful and it will be LESS than convenient.
I'm beginning to learn God is not always about convenience. I am afraid to learn that MOST of the time convenience is just not even a factor. To be faithful means to follow God's will no matter the hardships you may have to go through to do so. No matter the inconvenience or the struggle, you sometimes have to just take that leap of faith to keep up. Stalling and procrastinating and avoiding are not doing me any good. Until I just take that leap of faith I am stuck here when all I want is to move forward.
I am effin proud. And I feel so enthusiastically I just needed that effin(in all clean intentioned manner) for oomph.
And then there is me who needs some oomph as well. A swift kick in the butt could do me some good b/c I am staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiing.
I just had to write THIS INSTANT I think because I need to just call myself out so I can move on.
But I digress, I am a newly restored believer in Christ. And I am completely new to this whole listening to God and acting out his will deal. I am open to it..I yearn for it even. I have been listening to my heart and God's word and acting in Him the best I know how. From the smallest decisions each day I make a conscious effort to involve God and I am listening to what He speaks into me...I have seen results daily!
Except...
(and aren't there always exceptions...darn you exceptions for you just make everything much more difficult)
...this one HUGE thing that I feel is just being SCREAMED into my very being and etched into my heart mind and body in every way.
I.
Know.
What.
To.
Do.
Except...that I can't or won't do it. I'm putting it off and putting it off and pushing it out of my mind until this more convenient moment or place. But that moment is not coming. God is funny that way. How there is this overwhelming command that you absolutely cannot ignore even when it is the most inconvenient thing you could conceive. Because ignoring it is turning you back on Him, but following it is smashing yourself into a brick wall going 100mph KNOWING that you are without a doubt making it to the other side alive. Because my God is that great and I have that much faith. I know for certain there are better things in store for me if I just DO IT. It's that smashing part that is going to hurt like hell and it is holding me back something fierce.
That is the point, I believe. I have the faith - it pulses throughout me. I have no doubts concerning what needs to be done and why. I am not worried that things won't be better...I believe they will be almost immediately. I have no doubt in myself or my children or the people around me to be supportive. I will have all the support in the world, I am more than capable of dealing with what needs to be done, and I know I will be a better person for doing so. Best and MOST importantly - closer to God and a more faithful servant. But I have just got to get past this fear of the doing itself. It will be painful and it will be LESS than convenient.
I'm beginning to learn God is not always about convenience. I am afraid to learn that MOST of the time convenience is just not even a factor. To be faithful means to follow God's will no matter the hardships you may have to go through to do so. No matter the inconvenience or the struggle, you sometimes have to just take that leap of faith to keep up. Stalling and procrastinating and avoiding are not doing me any good. Until I just take that leap of faith I am stuck here when all I want is to move forward.
5.17.2010
Plans in Motion
After an inspiring message from Pastor JR about how to hear from God, I have decided to take up a Bible reading plan - TODAY! I knew I wanted to read the Bible, it just looks SO intimidating. But I found a plan that will work with my schedule and I am excited to get started. You can view my particular plan here. There is a plan for everyone - both intense and relaxed at www.youversion.com/reading-plans/
I already know that God is speaking to my heart. I have felt it since the day I came to Freedom Church, but I am very afraid to do what he is speaking to me. Pastor JR said following the word of God can be torture. The thought of this is torture but necessary for me to continue on my walk with Jesus. Pray for my strength in this matter, as I am everyday. I am willing to listen and ready to act. I am. It's scary. It will be done, because God's will never goes against God's word. I knew that already but it took my Pastor saying it to make me realize it HAS to be done and I did not just conjure this up into my own head for selfish reasons. It is not a cop out. It is not an excuse. I know that is how it's going to be perceived by some, but those some are exactly who WOULDN'T understand because they are not heading in the same direction I am.
I am not going to let others define me and my decisions, or my motives for that matter. I am not letting myself define me. God defines me and I pray He will continue to speak into my heart. Everyday for the next year I am going to actively seek that out in my reading plan and my everyday decisions. I am willing to listen and ready to act....come get me!
I already know that God is speaking to my heart. I have felt it since the day I came to Freedom Church, but I am very afraid to do what he is speaking to me. Pastor JR said following the word of God can be torture. The thought of this is torture but necessary for me to continue on my walk with Jesus. Pray for my strength in this matter, as I am everyday. I am willing to listen and ready to act. I am. It's scary. It will be done, because God's will never goes against God's word. I knew that already but it took my Pastor saying it to make me realize it HAS to be done and I did not just conjure this up into my own head for selfish reasons. It is not a cop out. It is not an excuse. I know that is how it's going to be perceived by some, but those some are exactly who WOULDN'T understand because they are not heading in the same direction I am.
I am not going to let others define me and my decisions, or my motives for that matter. I am not letting myself define me. God defines me and I pray He will continue to speak into my heart. Everyday for the next year I am going to actively seek that out in my reading plan and my everyday decisions. I am willing to listen and ready to act....come get me!
5.03.2010
I am still awake because..
I am so excited about the things God is doing in my life!
My mind. heart. soul. will not stop racing with anticipation and energy.
Just needed to share my exuberance with the world.
"Weave in faith and God will find the thread."
My mind. heart. soul. will not stop racing with anticipation and energy.
Just needed to share my exuberance with the world.
"Weave in faith and God will find the thread."
4.30.2010
The Pursuit of Happiness
Welcome, welcome! I've tried this before, and I never stick with it. But this time things are different. I have things worth sticking to and I want to write it all down.
Why?
Because it's worth it.
Because I want to gain some insight into ME.
I want to be truthful and honest and open.
I want to face my fears.
Complete truth and nothing but the truth, publicly?
...Now that there is frightening!
But like I said, worth it.
For now, I'm sticking with the assumption no one I know will read this. Truthfully I want people to read it. I want to be an open book because there is nothing to hide. There never has been, but I am painfully private with these invisible walls, ya know? Those walls no one knows are there until they walk right into them. Well I'm done with those. So I'm telling myself you're not reading this, but if you are, thanks for being here and sharing whatever lies ahead.
Moving on.
I'm here right now writing this down because I'm at a fork in the road. I am at this like 18 way stop right now. Hey that's alot right? Well I'm not counting really, but I feel like all these different areas of my life are all converging and saying, "Pick a path and we'll follow." I'm being pushed toward this fork in the road, and for the first time in a long time I know which path to go down.
This path is full of opportunities and change - GOOD change. Happiness. Inspiration. Involvement. Spirituality. Confidence. I could go on forever, and I will, that is the point of all of this.
So there's that path, and there's the path I'm detouring from.
The path just narrow enough for me, but oh so familiar.
Comfortable.
I'm tired of comfortable and narrow. I want this path that is full of life and light, with limitless amounts of room for growth. I want all those meandering trails I veered off of to catch up with me and follow me on THIS path.
So in order to go down this path... I have to detour...and I have to climb this huge mountain.I'm talking Mt. Everest. But I am so thrilled and exhilarated to take this on.
I'm going mountain climbing - follow me.
Why?
Because it's worth it.
Because I want to gain some insight into ME.
I want to be truthful and honest and open.
I want to face my fears.
Complete truth and nothing but the truth, publicly?
...Now that there is frightening!
But like I said, worth it.
For now, I'm sticking with the assumption no one I know will read this. Truthfully I want people to read it. I want to be an open book because there is nothing to hide. There never has been, but I am painfully private with these invisible walls, ya know? Those walls no one knows are there until they walk right into them. Well I'm done with those. So I'm telling myself you're not reading this, but if you are, thanks for being here and sharing whatever lies ahead.
Moving on.
I'm here right now writing this down because I'm at a fork in the road. I am at this like 18 way stop right now. Hey that's alot right? Well I'm not counting really, but I feel like all these different areas of my life are all converging and saying, "Pick a path and we'll follow." I'm being pushed toward this fork in the road, and for the first time in a long time I know which path to go down.
This path is full of opportunities and change - GOOD change. Happiness. Inspiration. Involvement. Spirituality. Confidence. I could go on forever, and I will, that is the point of all of this.
So there's that path, and there's the path I'm detouring from.
The path just narrow enough for me, but oh so familiar.
Comfortable.
I'm tired of comfortable and narrow. I want this path that is full of life and light, with limitless amounts of room for growth. I want all those meandering trails I veered off of to catch up with me and follow me on THIS path.
So in order to go down this path... I have to detour...and I have to climb this huge mountain.I'm talking Mt. Everest. But I am so thrilled and exhilarated to take this on.
I'm going mountain climbing - follow me.
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