I am a 'Suicide Survivor' which doesn't mean I tried it and didn't succeed, it is an organization for loved ones of those who have committed suicide. Most people know my mom took her own life just over 3 years ago, and suicide itself is something very close to my heart. I am completely open with my story(which I plan to write on in the near future), even when it makes me and/or someone else uncomfortable because I believe some of the most uncomfortable subjects are the ones that most need sharing.
I have not met anyone other than myself who has lost a parent to suicide, so I cannot speak for the group as a whole. I would imagine that others feel the same way as I do, but I really don't know. Speaking only for myself, I can say it is VERY difficult to remember the good times with my mom because they are so overshadowed by the horrible end to both her life and our relationship.
Yesterday in the car I was listening to Taylor Swift with the girls - they absolutely love her and ALTHOUGH I think she looks like a praying mantis (haha!) she is growing on me(she's kept herself much classier than their other idol Ms. Miley Cyrus!) Her song 'The Best Day' just brought me back to the GOOD times which are so hard for me to remember.
I attribute a lot of who I am today to her, she was not always a troubled person and was often a very good mom to me. She loved me endlessly. While my dad was my 'support' my mom was my encouragement. She really saw me for who I was and never allowed me to doubt myself. She understood me completely, and even if I was wrong she stood beside me and let me figure things out for myself. I never felt alone because I knew she was always on my side. She had the best way of relating to me and giving me the advice I needed without meddling like a lot of mothers have a tendency to do. I always respected that about her and it really kept our relationship strong.
She was my person. The one who could take away the feeling of the world being on my shoulders. The one who would never lie to me - she was always honest and real. Much of my rationality comes from her. My dad tried to keep my sheltered - which I admired and was probably necessary to balance out my mom. She wanted to make sure I wasn't faced with a situation I couldn't handle and didn't sugarcoat the reality of the world for me. She laid everything on the table for me and trusted me enough to know what to do with it. I like to think I am the person I am today because I was always given options and KNEW how to process information in order to make the best decision. I didn't ALWAYS make the best ones - but I never sacrificed my morals or character. I am thankful she taught me to be a strong, independent, woman.
Most of all, I am glad I can still recognize the positive influences she had on my life - even if I only acknowledge it every now and then. It has taken me a long time to forgive her and even longer to get back some of the memories of my childhood and my mother. Nonetheless, I am grateful. For 21 years I had a mom who loved me more than anything - she always told me I was the best thing she ever did.
Love you mama, and I really DO miss you more than anything.
7.04.2010
Work in Progress
Once upon a time I thought that each day, month, and year was a step by step process to growing up. What I did not know that just because another day passes doesn't mean you are any closer to growing up. It is a heart wrenching and grueling process, at least it has been for me. There is nothing more true than the fact that we are all ever changing, evolving, and growing.
When 'change' happens it is so hard to notice because you are so focused on making it through whatever is happening. Looking back it is easier to see what a major/minor transformation has occurred. Who I was 6 months ago(let's not even go further than that!) doesn't come close to comparing to who I am today.
Once I was lost, now I am found.
I was damaged and now I am healed.
I was fearful and now I am faithful.
I was broken and now I am complete.
I was judgmental now I am
I was self absorbed and now I live to serve others.
I was settling for less and now I am reaching for greatness.
I hope that each moment I am given in this lifetime, I am working on bettering who I am. I will never be content with just 'being' anymore. I live to serve a greater purpose outside of myself - 'me' doesn't matter...only He and His matter!
When 'change' happens it is so hard to notice because you are so focused on making it through whatever is happening. Looking back it is easier to see what a major/minor transformation has occurred. Who I was 6 months ago(let's not even go further than that!) doesn't come close to comparing to who I am today.
Once I was lost, now I am found.
I was damaged and now I am healed.
I was fearful and now I am faithful.
I was broken and now I am complete.
I was judgmental now I am
I was self absorbed and now I live to serve others.
I was settling for less and now I am reaching for greatness.
I hope that each moment I am given in this lifetime, I am working on bettering who I am. I will never be content with just 'being' anymore. I live to serve a greater purpose outside of myself - 'me' doesn't matter...only He and His matter!
7.02.2010
Baptism
Last Sunday I was baptized! It was an experience I couldn't put into words if I tried, and I have! More than anything I just felt this overwhelming sense of accomplishment, pride, and joy in my heart.
I have come a long way as a person in just a few short months since accepting Christ into my life. Being baptized was my symbol of commitment toward living my life by God's will. It was a beautiful day in my life and is VERY close to the top of the 'Best days of my life' list.
I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be baptized in Freedom Church by Pastor JR supported by my dad, daughter, two of my closest friends, and my Freedom family. The support and congratulations were so encouraging and I am just counting my blessings to have been given such a spectacular group of people to add to my life. I'm loving life...God is SO great!
I have come a long way as a person in just a few short months since accepting Christ into my life. Being baptized was my symbol of commitment toward living my life by God's will. It was a beautiful day in my life and is VERY close to the top of the 'Best days of my life' list.
I am so blessed to have had the opportunity to be baptized in Freedom Church by Pastor JR supported by my dad, daughter, two of my closest friends, and my Freedom family. The support and congratulations were so encouraging and I am just counting my blessings to have been given such a spectacular group of people to add to my life. I'm loving life...God is SO great!
Joni giving me congrats and well wishes. She is a doll and has been so encouraging to me. Just one of many!
Saved by grace - and dunked by Pastor JR! ;P
Overjoyed - Ecstatic - Triumphant - BLESSED!
7.01.2010
Life Swap
I'm a little late on my updates this week, but I absolutely wanted to start with a Sunday Scribblings Post. This week #221 is about life swap - something I would assume many people would think I'd be into.
I'm not. Not in this crazy season of my life, and not the ones I've faced before. Those seasons of life that I fought tooth and nail through to climb out of the trenches, or felt like I was drowning in a sea of doubt and hopelessness - those seasons are what seasoned me.
Some who have heard my 'testimony' are often rendered speechless or give me their condolences. In the past I would have taken them. There have been times I have longed to be someone else - somewhere else. There has been an undeniable and larger than life sadness in my life. The suicide of my mother marked the coldest and darkest season of my lifetime.
How many times did I wish to be someone other than me? I can't even answer that question. An answer I do have, is how fortunate I am to have been given this life. The value I place on my life is immeasurable. I was given a life to live by my God, and I am driven each day by a purpose that remains unknown - but still I am carried forward.
If we were given the ability to swap lives I know that I would absolutely be someone else today. Oh, the joys I would have missed! How thankful and blessed I am to have stayed the course and found that life leads you places you never expected to be.
For those who think the grass is greener on the other side - it very well may be, but don't let envy into your heart. Keep walking...I urge you. Greener pastures await if you just keep climbing those mountains laid before you.
Psalm 23 - 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he restores my soul.
....and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
I'm not. Not in this crazy season of my life, and not the ones I've faced before. Those seasons of life that I fought tooth and nail through to climb out of the trenches, or felt like I was drowning in a sea of doubt and hopelessness - those seasons are what seasoned me.
Some who have heard my 'testimony' are often rendered speechless or give me their condolences. In the past I would have taken them. There have been times I have longed to be someone else - somewhere else. There has been an undeniable and larger than life sadness in my life. The suicide of my mother marked the coldest and darkest season of my lifetime.
How many times did I wish to be someone other than me? I can't even answer that question. An answer I do have, is how fortunate I am to have been given this life. The value I place on my life is immeasurable. I was given a life to live by my God, and I am driven each day by a purpose that remains unknown - but still I am carried forward.
If we were given the ability to swap lives I know that I would absolutely be someone else today. Oh, the joys I would have missed! How thankful and blessed I am to have stayed the course and found that life leads you places you never expected to be.
For those who think the grass is greener on the other side - it very well may be, but don't let envy into your heart. Keep walking...I urge you. Greener pastures await if you just keep climbing those mountains laid before you.
Psalm 23 - 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, 3 he restores my soul.
....and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.
6.21.2010
Father's Day
This will be my very first inspirational response from the blog Sunday Scribblings.In response to their #220 prompt "Birth" I have chosen to incorporate that into a tribute for Father's Day....to the man who gave me life!
In today's society we make a big to do about mother's day. I am not discrediting mother's - I happen to be one and I love and miss mine dearly. I simply feel that father's don't get enough credit! Many of the tributes I saw to the dads in the world yesterday were characterized by the standard 'real' father cynicism instead of just saying Happy Father's Day. Mother's can be just as undeserving of a day in their honor, but there doesn't seem to be the same stigma attached to them...no matter the level of involvement and dedication they have to their children. Not all fathers have lackluster parenting skills. Not all fathers run away. Not all fathers are shut up and sit down disciplinarians yielding belts and beer bottles. There are many men who deserve some credit.
I for one, was born to a manic depressive, addiction prone, anxious mama. I cannot allow those to be her only descriptive qualities, because she was much more than that. But honestly, I have both many good and bad things to say about her. On the other hand, I was blessed at birth to this man who loves me more than anything on this Earth and I couldn't find a bad word to say about him if I tried.
He did it by himself. I can imagine it isn't easy raising a little girl all alone but he never let it show. I wasn't the best dressed girl because I had a very plain(I.E.unfashionable) daddy doing the buying and laundering. Today I love that my dad was never materialistic - he never bought my love and he never taught me to be more concerned with appearances than what was on the inside. Looking back, I'd much rather have time than things. And time I had.
We spent weekends camping, hiking, canoeing, horseback riding, and crafting with our Indian Guides troop in Elementary. We spent weeks of the summer in California, Texas, and Florida. Just he and I and our extended family. A single dad toting a little girl around the country without a woman's help. Unheard of. Admirable.
In middle school there were practices and games up to four or five times a week - he was at EVERY single one. He shuttled me to and from my weekly music lessons and never missed a performance. He went to church twice a week because I wanted to. He made sure I was at every bible study and youth group activities the rest of my schedule allowed. He worked ALL THE TIME. I cannot imagine he ever slept. I was a busy girl and he was a dedicated daddy.
Then we have the high school years. In which our home served as a boarding house for all of my best girlfriends EVERY weekend....all weekend. On any given weekend there were at least 4 chatty teenagers who thought the world revolved around them.The best part was he let us think that. I recall a grocery list about a page long in junk food - he looked at us like we were crazy...then brought it all home. He facilitated my numerous trips to the movies or the mall. He tolerated the INCESSANT obsession with all things NSYNC and was forced far to many times to listen to the pop music reverberating throughout his sound system. As if he could even hear it with us shrieking and giggling.. as 15 year old girls do. Did I mention the time we had tickets to the concert and I became extremely ill and couldn't go. He was our ride and he took all my friends anyway AND treated them to some late night dinner downtown afterward. He was always completely unselfish and so generous with both me and anyone who I loved.
What stands out the most about the man I am blessed to have been born to is his unending support throughout all of my trials and tribulations. I was a sharp tongued teenager who wasn't interested in rules. I got myself in trouble too many times. I never got arrested or terribly hurt but I definitely contributed as a financial burden and stress inducer. He never gave up on me. He respected my feelings and gave me space when I needed it. He screened my phone calls and followed me when he thought I was up to no good. He stuck his nose where I very much liked to believe it didn't belong and asked questions I never wanted to answer. He put strict limitations on my driving - including counting every mile I should have gone vs every mile I did go. He was in a relentless pursuit at making sure I was safe - even if that meant I held it against him.
He was there doing all those things parents don't want to have to do...especially dads with daughters. He was loving his daughter with every second, every ounce, and everything he had. Why? I can't say for sure. I was important and loved - that I know. So thank you dad for giving me your all and being so completely selfless. You are a wonderful father and grandfather. I am so blessed to have been given YOU as my father the day I was born and everyday thereafter.
In today's society we make a big to do about mother's day. I am not discrediting mother's - I happen to be one and I love and miss mine dearly. I simply feel that father's don't get enough credit! Many of the tributes I saw to the dads in the world yesterday were characterized by the standard 'real' father cynicism instead of just saying Happy Father's Day. Mother's can be just as undeserving of a day in their honor, but there doesn't seem to be the same stigma attached to them...no matter the level of involvement and dedication they have to their children. Not all fathers have lackluster parenting skills. Not all fathers run away. Not all fathers are shut up and sit down disciplinarians yielding belts and beer bottles. There are many men who deserve some credit.
I for one, was born to a manic depressive, addiction prone, anxious mama. I cannot allow those to be her only descriptive qualities, because she was much more than that. But honestly, I have both many good and bad things to say about her. On the other hand, I was blessed at birth to this man who loves me more than anything on this Earth and I couldn't find a bad word to say about him if I tried.
He did it by himself. I can imagine it isn't easy raising a little girl all alone but he never let it show. I wasn't the best dressed girl because I had a very plain(I.E.unfashionable) daddy doing the buying and laundering. Today I love that my dad was never materialistic - he never bought my love and he never taught me to be more concerned with appearances than what was on the inside. Looking back, I'd much rather have time than things. And time I had.
We spent weekends camping, hiking, canoeing, horseback riding, and crafting with our Indian Guides troop in Elementary. We spent weeks of the summer in California, Texas, and Florida. Just he and I and our extended family. A single dad toting a little girl around the country without a woman's help. Unheard of. Admirable.
In middle school there were practices and games up to four or five times a week - he was at EVERY single one. He shuttled me to and from my weekly music lessons and never missed a performance. He went to church twice a week because I wanted to. He made sure I was at every bible study and youth group activities the rest of my schedule allowed. He worked ALL THE TIME. I cannot imagine he ever slept. I was a busy girl and he was a dedicated daddy.
Then we have the high school years. In which our home served as a boarding house for all of my best girlfriends EVERY weekend....all weekend. On any given weekend there were at least 4 chatty teenagers who thought the world revolved around them.The best part was he let us think that. I recall a grocery list about a page long in junk food - he looked at us like we were crazy...then brought it all home. He facilitated my numerous trips to the movies or the mall. He tolerated the INCESSANT obsession with all things NSYNC and was forced far to many times to listen to the pop music reverberating throughout his sound system. As if he could even hear it with us shrieking and giggling.. as 15 year old girls do. Did I mention the time we had tickets to the concert and I became extremely ill and couldn't go. He was our ride and he took all my friends anyway AND treated them to some late night dinner downtown afterward. He was always completely unselfish and so generous with both me and anyone who I loved.
What stands out the most about the man I am blessed to have been born to is his unending support throughout all of my trials and tribulations. I was a sharp tongued teenager who wasn't interested in rules. I got myself in trouble too many times. I never got arrested or terribly hurt but I definitely contributed as a financial burden and stress inducer. He never gave up on me. He respected my feelings and gave me space when I needed it. He screened my phone calls and followed me when he thought I was up to no good. He stuck his nose where I very much liked to believe it didn't belong and asked questions I never wanted to answer. He put strict limitations on my driving - including counting every mile I should have gone vs every mile I did go. He was in a relentless pursuit at making sure I was safe - even if that meant I held it against him.
He was there doing all those things parents don't want to have to do...especially dads with daughters. He was loving his daughter with every second, every ounce, and everything he had. Why? I can't say for sure. I was important and loved - that I know. So thank you dad for giving me your all and being so completely selfless. You are a wonderful father and grandfather. I am so blessed to have been given YOU as my father the day I was born and everyday thereafter.
6.19.2010
Power of Prayer
I am still amazed by the power of prayer when you REALLY mean it.
I never knew how meaningful private moments with my God could be and the sense of peace that could be attained.
When I need it and I ask for it - He is there. When I desperately need my vision cleared and my heart opened and my butt pushed pulled and redirected - He is there. When I am lost - He finds me.
Every time.
I stand amazed everyday. Thank you God and thank you Jesus for guiding me, and loving me, and being all knowing, all powerful, and PERFECTLY holy.
I am undeserving but ever grateful.
I never knew how meaningful private moments with my God could be and the sense of peace that could be attained.
When I need it and I ask for it - He is there. When I desperately need my vision cleared and my heart opened and my butt pushed pulled and redirected - He is there. When I am lost - He finds me.
Every time.
I stand amazed everyday. Thank you God and thank you Jesus for guiding me, and loving me, and being all knowing, all powerful, and PERFECTLY holy.
I am undeserving but ever grateful.
6.18.2010
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