Killing you is killing me

My love, my partner, my best friend.

I am so sorry.

Please forgive me for doing this...

and know that I am hurting with you.

For you.

..for us.

 And our babies,

and our life that we will still have

Just not together.

So much remains unseen,

and unanswered,

and unknown.

I do know this,

WE WILL SURVIVE THIS

All of us..

and we will be better people for it.

Whether you understand that now,

or not.

I have just found a strength that you aren't comfortable with knowing yet...

and for that reason there is nothing I can say that will make you understand. 

Please don't lose yourself.

If nothing else,

make the best of this.

Look inside and search for answers within

Seek and you shall find.

I promise.

Keep faith, keep going,

You will find happiness

When it is RIGHT

We have done everything wrong

And I cannot go back...

just forward.

I'll always be there

and you will always be a part of me.

Be strong my darling.

Writing

I love writing.
 There aren't 3 words that could better describe it - I LOVE writing!

I am one of those freaks who enjoys writing essays and papers.
I love writing personal emails and letters.
Shoot, I even love writing text messages and status updates!

Anything employing the use of language brings me joy.
I take much pride in my work and it has always come easily for me.
I've just always been a 'good' writer.
Writing is something I do not do just for school and/or work(when I'm working...ha!) but for pleasure.
I am definitely not planning on becoming a journalist or an author or even a famous blogger because I write for ME.

The funny thing is - I haven't written for ME in close to 3 years now.
It just hurt too bad and I was afraid of what I would have to say.
It doesn't hurt anymore.
...At least not enough to hold me back on something that is therapeutic to me.

I have dived back into writing by getting back into school which is all fine and dandy except that is not writing for ME. I can do it and I do it well - but I want to pick the topics and write in the way I feel comfortable.

I want to let my mind wander and my fingers do the walking and just GO.
It's better that way.
When you're not thinking of sentence structures and punctuation and APA format and citing references.
I can do that.
..But that is not writing for the soul.

I started this blog for a reason. To document some personal transformations I am going through. I want it to be so much more than that. A place to go to let it all out in whatever format I feel like. I want to find new depths to draw inspiration from and I want to develop as a writer. For those reasons I will write when I feel inspired by my own life or something I have come across. But I am also going to journey into prompts and see what I can come up with, when otherwise I would go without writing that day.

I found the cutest craft that I will have much fun making. Who wouldn't draw inspiration from such a cute idea customized to your very own style. You can find the 'tutorial' here: but it is pretty self explanatory.

I have also started following a blog called 'Sunday Scribblings' that posts one prompt a week, that you will in turn write on. You then comment their blog letting them know you have participated and they will link to your blog. Seems like a fun way to develop some creativity, read others, and possibly find yourself some readers in the process.

Happy Bloggin' Y'all!

Perpetually Perplexed.

I'm not comfortable taking criticism over my new found devotion to my Lord and Savior. Let me rephrase that...I am WILLING, by all means. I am just not certain of how to react when I face criticism and it makes me uncomfortable.

The people I've had in my life for a long time may know I used to have a relationship with God. They at least know the tragedy I have faced since then and what it did to my beliefs; however faltering those may have already been. Those whom I call my family and friends have always been so supportive of me. Christian or not, I have amazing people in my life that I have ALWAYS thanked God for. Overall I have received nothing but congratulations and interest in what is going on in my life.

On the other side, there are many other people who have only been in my life the past few years or possibly even less time than that. These people have remained mum, as to be expected, because we are not so close they would feel comfortable criticizing or congratulating me. Some I know are not close to God, and still others I have no idea about. I can imagine many of these people don't care about the transformation that is happening in my life or the overwhelming joy and passion I have now. I can imagine some people do care - they care not to hear anything about it at all.

That is okay with me. I never expected to have some sort of 100% support rate in my pursuit of God. I am not so far detached from who I used to be that I don't remember not caring about what anyone had to say concerning God. In fact I recall even being annoyed by some people relationship with God. However, I can say with all honesty I never felt the urge to discourage, criticize, or mock anyone for their beliefs.

I believe that a relationship with God(no matter what your religion) is a very personal thing.

I don't believe it should be forced on anyone who isn't ready for it - doing so will only push them further away.

I also believe that I should be able to freely express MY love for Jesus Christ. I should be able to worship, praise, study, and practice my faith without facing harsh judgments or being made fun of. I also realize that is probably not a realistic expectation and that I will inevitably encounter some who set out to destroy my relationship.

Reading the word of God and searching for meaning and inspiration is ENCOURAGING to my relationship with God. When I write or say something - it is because it has impacted ME and I wanted to share in hopes others might feel the same way.

I do not expect for everyone to feel the same way as I do. I wish I could always expect respect and honor because that is what I always try to give to others no matter what their beliefs are. Unfortunately that expectation has not been met and I don't know what to do with that.

Because I am still learning and seeking truths that have not yet been revealed to me - I feel I am vulnerable. I am not nearly who I want to be. I hope to always be able to say I am growing and changing. I want an active relationship with God and I have no problem standing up for that. But because I am so new in this life I feel like those who are blatant in their disdain or disagreement with me are hindering my growth.

I want to keep going full steam ahead into the light. It seems like people who out-rightly voice their negative opinions are just trying to hold me back. It hurts my feelings and makes me lose confidence in myself. I don't relate to wanting to stifle people's happiness or cast doubt into their beliefs.

My initial reaction when faced with someone like this is to just shake it off and move on. And then as I internalize it just feels like a personal attack and puts me into defense mode. I am non-confrontational so that displays as an all out cold shoulder. Deletion. Period.

I do not want toxic people in my life - I do not desire to be harshly criticized and made into a joke. Simply put...it pisses me off. I don't want to be pissed. I don't want to harbor negativity and bad feelings toward people AND I don't want to be hypocrite and turn my back on someone because they do not hold my beliefs. But if they aren't respecting mine as I respect theirs isn't that just a burden on my own attempt to live a life for God?

What do you do when you are offended and feel you need to protect yourself against a poison to your own heart, but desire to continue to spread the word of God and a new zeal for life?

They make me PROUD!

Marilyn and Skylar met a little girl at the pool a couple of weeks ago. She was just one of those not so nice little kids who you could tell was very much a direct effect of the example her parents set. My girls are sweet though and tried to play with her nicely and share their things. Eventually the little girl and Marilyn discovered they both went to church. The little girl asked Marilyn what church she went to and she said Freedom Church. The little girl said "Well MY church is Baptist so what kind of church is that." Marilyn replied it was a church for God. The little girl then told Marilyn that ALL churches were for God and called her a not very nice name and began to say that Baptist churches were the best and that our church wasn't a 'real' church unless it was a 'kind' of church. Marilyn's response? It's a CHRISTIAN church. 'Atta girl!


Joey Jay and Marilyn are very close and sometimes Skylar gets a little jealous. I always explain to her Marilyn is just older and is able to do more with their little brother than Skylar can. But lately he has started to bond a lot more with her and they have been playing very well together. The other day we were having a rare moment of relaxation and peace. Joey was laying with Skylar and she said "Did you know people love you? Did you know God loves you? Did you know I love you? I loooooooooooooooooove (in crazy robot voice) you!" He responded with an enthusiastic "YAH!" Speaking of who loves who...did they know I love them?



And this is just funny, surprising, and adorable...I'll post a video soon! We were walking out of church and 'We Will Rock You' by Queen was playing. I've never played this for him in his life and didn't even prompt him. Sure enough, baby man starts singing "We will we will rock!" It was adorable and I have continued to make him say it so he doesn't forget how in preparation for said video. Just wait ...my kid is awesome.

Making it Meaningful

For the most part I am well spoken and have a firm grasp on the English language. 

But words I though I knew are all taking on different meanings that I had never considered before.

Words I thought I knew are becoming so much more than they were before. They are clear and expansive and specific and my understanding of them is so much richer than it was 6 months ago.

My world is opening up before my eyes.
My horizons are widening and my perception of life is reaching new depths.
I have oceans of possibility before me and life is becoming so much more meaningful than I ever thought it could be. 

Grace.

Obedience.

Sincerity.

Redemption.

Faith.

Compassion.

Growth.

Strength.

I'm getting to know you a little more each day. 
 

Leaps of Faith

I am a newly restored believer in Christ.

I am effin proud. And I feel so enthusiastically I just needed that effin(in all clean intentioned manner) for oomph.

And then there is me who needs some oomph as well. A swift kick in the butt could do me some good b/c I am staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiing.

I just had to write THIS INSTANT I think because I need to just call myself out so I can move on.

But I digress, I am a newly restored believer in Christ. And I am completely new to this whole listening to God and acting out his will deal. I am open to it..I yearn for it even. I have been listening to my heart and God's word and acting in Him the best I know how. From the smallest decisions each day I make a conscious effort to involve God and I am listening to what He speaks into me...I have seen results daily!

Except...
(and aren't there always exceptions...darn you exceptions for you just make everything much more difficult)

...this one HUGE thing that I feel is just being SCREAMED into my very being and etched into my heart mind and body in every way.
I.
Know.
What.
To.
Do.

Except...that I can't or won't do it. I'm putting it off and putting it off and pushing it out of my mind until this more convenient moment or place. But that moment is not coming. God is funny that way. How there is this overwhelming command that you absolutely cannot ignore even when it is the most inconvenient thing you could conceive. Because ignoring it is turning you back on Him, but following it is smashing yourself into a brick wall going 100mph KNOWING that you are without a doubt making it to the other side alive. Because my God is that great and I have that much faith. I know for certain there are better things in store for me if I just DO IT. It's that smashing part that is going to hurt like hell and it is holding me back something fierce.

That is the point, I believe. I have the faith - it pulses throughout me. I have no doubts concerning what needs to be done and why. I am not worried that things won't be better...I believe they will be almost immediately. I have no doubt in myself or my children or the people around me to be supportive. I will have all the support in the world, I am more than capable of dealing with what needs to be done, and I know I will be a better person for doing so. Best and MOST importantly - closer to God and a more faithful servant. But I have just got to get past this fear of the doing itself. It will be painful and it will be LESS than convenient.

I'm beginning to learn God is not always about convenience. I am afraid to learn that MOST of the time convenience is just not even a factor. To be faithful means to follow God's will no matter the hardships you may have to go through to do so. No matter the inconvenience or the struggle, you sometimes have to just take that leap of faith to keep up. Stalling and procrastinating and avoiding are not doing me any good. Until I just take that leap of faith I am stuck here when all I want is to move forward.

Feeling better!

I took a nap after that last post...it made all the difference! I don't like being that negative and make it a point every minute of every day to find as much GOOD in life as I can...because there is tons. I am blessed to have wonderfully supportive friends and family around me and have everything I need.

I have one incredible thing to rejoice for....I quit smoking! It was really so easy and I don't know why I never did it before. I was really just a social smoker anyway and the only time I could ever finish a whole one was if I was having a drink which I'm also not really doing anymore. May I please add...I feel GREAT! No more hacking up nastiness...and hopefully no more bronchitis...we'll have to wait for fall for the answer to that though. MAYBE I'll even get my singing voice back that would be great because I really miss it!

I got ALL my school problems worked out AND money problems as well. Can we say double the amount of financial aid? Yes we can :)

AND the best part is I have come to a solid decision on my biggest problem. Now I just need to muster up the courage and resolve to get it done. I'm ready for it to be done and I am going to be okay and a much better person for doing so. I hope that I will not step on too many toes on the way I don't want to hurt anyone but unfortunately it is inevitable.

...for that reason I've been doing alot of praying. Not just for me but for the ones involved...that they might have a better sense of understanding than I expect them to.

No matter what things are in motion in the right direction and it feels so good. I am so happy with where my life is headed. So happy I chopped off all my hair and I love it!